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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Nov
14

Here’s a list of things that make me super cranky – both rational and irrational – well – just because I have a few minutes to kill.  So maybe don’t do these things – cos they make me hulk out.

1:  Having to clean adult wee from a toilet seat so I can use it.  FFS – if you’re going to piss everywhere clean it up yourself.

2:  Tapping me when you’re talking to me.  I will fight you.

3:  Talking over me before I finish my point.

4:  Laughing at me when I’m trying to be serious.

5:  Reading shit over my shoulder.

6:  Not giving me enough physical personal space.

7: Loud noises.

8:  The offering of advice without having asked for it.

9:  Negative and unwarranted comments – again that were not asked for and are not constructive.  If you’re going to point something out – point out a solution too.

10:  Not waiting for people to get off the bus before getting on.

11:  Crowds.

12:  Queuing.

13:  People being controversial for the sake of it.

14:  Expecting effort on your part but making very little effort themselves.

15:  Gay Byrne.

16:  When being bitchy is considered comedy – it’s not a personality – it’s just lame.

17:  People stealing from their peers.  Rob away from large companies – I don’t give a fuck about that.

18:  People with an inability to be quiet.

19:  Being told that you’re super judgmental for judging someone based on their actions even if it has nothing to do with you.  You still wouldn’t want to be close friends with them based on the shit you’ve seen them pull, would you?

20:  Saying someone is a ‘bitch’ or ‘crazy’ but also saying that you’d ride them.  Oh how boringly superficial.

21:  Assuming things because I’m a woman.

22:  Not being listened to.

23:  The silent treatment.

24:  People getting angry when babies cry.

25:  People letting their children run around in close quarters like cafes or supermarkets.

26:  Not saying sorry.

27:  Diminishing genuine concerns in a patronising way.

28:  Aggressively disagreeing about something without knowing all the facts.

29:  People that assume they know what they’re talking about with little research.

30:  Someone explaining things to me that I know more about than they do.

31:  Bullies.

32:  Sweeping generalisations and strawmen arguments.

33:  Tapping my back during a hug.

34:  Someone (strangers mostly) forcing their way into a conversation that I don’t want to have with them (including having earphones in).

35:  Victim blaming.

36:  The phrase ‘should of’.

37:  Lying.

38:  Deflection.

39:  Menz.

40:  Sleep deprivation.

41:  Landlords and estate agents.

42:  People who measure people’s worth in terms of aesthetics.

43:  Resealable packets.

44:  The fact that only a tiny percentage of buses have USB plugs and you can never find them when you need them.

45:  Lack of compromise.

46:  Making me out to be difficult because yeah I’m awkward and a bit mental (mostly on the inside) but I’m really really not.

47:  People making loads of assumptions without asking questions.   asking questions doesn’t make you weak.

48:  People thinking men and women can’t be platonic friends.

49:  When a dude finishes during sexy times and then so does the sex.

50:  Being hungry.

 

This is not the end of this list.  There are many many more things.

 

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Nov
11

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I’ve seen lots of talk of mental health stuff recently – with articles being shared all over the place about things – BUT I think they’re mostly very abstract with very little connection to the real world.  Also, I think most people that aren’t affected by any of these issues – either directly or with people super close to them – don’t really give a shit or want to learn about them.  Now, I’m no expert by any means about any of this, but I have a fairly extensive history with a few different elements of being ‘cray cray’ over the years (I’m 100% not saying this lightly) but maybe I can help make a link the reality of things and the theory and garner some sympathy, if not empathy for your friends that might be going through some crap.  Again, this is only my own experience and I am sitting here in bed at 8.30pm listening to Elliott Smith with the view of mostly shutting myself in on my own for the next few days – bar what I absolutely have to do.

Without trying to be super heavy or self-indulgent I have amongst other things (I’m not 100% on what they are yet but I’ve finally decided to find out what they are) pretty bad anxiety as well as other things that contribute to me not being able to regulate my feelings like a ‘normal’ person.  So when I feel something – I really really feel it.  I feel it to the extent that it paralyses me or kind of forces me into some maladaptive coping mechanisms (not so much in the last year or so though anyway, which is good).  You probably can’t tell by looking at me, but it’s the truth.  I’ve spent years trying to even myself out and this is partially why I’m tired all the time and get drunk really fucking easily.  I’ve been medicated several times and at certain points probably should’ve got help but up until recently I kept it very hidden and secret because I was ashamed.  I mean I’m pretty sure I had at least one breakdown and lots of other serious shite happened that nobody knew about because I didn’t think anyone gave a fuck or because I didn’t want to put my crap on anyone.

This has been ongoing since I was a kid and I used to stay up nervously at night pulling out chunks of my hair and eating it.  I was a super duper sensitive child – happy – but nervous and then as I grew and developed into a teenager became angrier and more of an asshole.  I mean, my head wasn’t right, nobody listened to me, stopped eating, cut chunks out of myself and came home bruised (that’s a loooooong story) but being angry made me more of a badass when actually I’m very very soft.  I kind of learned how to protect myself early on and only in the last few years I realised how fucked up this was.  I had nobody to rely on.  In 1997, triggered by a series of unfortunate events I attempted suicide – which would be the first of three failed attempts – and before anyone says ‘it was a cry for help’ I didn’t really ever tell anyone till after they happened.   I’m only saying this to prove a point that not a lot of people knew.  I only really thought about these things again recently when I was talking to a friend about it and they were shocked about a few of the things that I’ve encountered over the course of my life and I was kind of surprised by their reaction.  I hadn’t given it much thought until recently – but I’m starting to think about how I’ve learned to cope with things through that kind of prism.  I’ve come a long way since then though.  I swear.

A lot of the time when I tried to talk about things, before I found a good therapist, I wasn’t listened to or dismissed.  There is nothing more disheartening than trying to tell someone about what’s going on and open up, leaving yourself all vulnerable to meet either radio silence or be dismissed.  So I stopped talking and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  Or got shitfaced.  I lost my voice.  I know not everyone knows what to say to someone about these things but to be listened to is a fucking glorious thing.  Like not just hear the words but actually listen.  To grab your hand or be supportive.  I know our mental health system is a fucking joke and focuses too much on getting us to talk to each other instead of professionals and nobody should be used as a crutch but how can you open up when you’re pretty much told to stop making a fuss.  So I think because of that I was subconsciously a selfish asshole well into my 20’s (debatable) and learned for a series of serious disappointments that I was the only one who could be relied on.  At some point in my 20’s I copped on and started to throw myself into college and work (to a degree like) and tried consciously not to repeat the mistakes that I had made.

Anxiety is such a fucking bitch though.  I’m scared of so many things – sometimes specific and sometimes vague – that if I said them all out loud it seems like I’m a wuss.  I suppose if you want to imagine anxiety – well at least how I feel it – I feel like I’m constantly waiting to get punched in the face.  I watch everything and everyone and although I don’t inherently believe that everyone is bad I feel enough bad people that seem to gravitate towards me for me to hardly ever relax.  I try very hard to calm down a lot of the time but my stupid inner monologue literally never shut up, reminding me of behavioural patterns that I’ve seen before and warning me to be wary.  I mean that sounds rational enough though, right?  Based on past experiences, particularly older and less clear ones, all this has been adapted into your personality and how you cope with things, right?  I mean it makes sense.  You’re protecting yourself because you feel things too much.  But imagine your brain not allowing you to be happy for extended periods of time because you’re just waiting for it to all fuck up.  Imagine not being able to ever live in the moment or getting freaked out when you feel like people are getting that little bit too close too quickly.  Because in your head most people are dicks.  And, perhaps, because you don’t feel like you deserve it because it’s never really been a stable element of your life.  It’s an absolute pain in the dick let me tell you.  And imagine not knowing whether your instinct or your gut is right or whether you’re just being crazy?  Because at least half the time you’ve not been crazy when you’ve had a bad feeling about things.  People say trust your gut and if I did that I’d never leave the fucking house.  So you can be close with people – just not too close – like a cat would be – so you can remain suitably detached at all times to most of the people that you know.

That’s not to say that I don’t have closeness in my life.  I do.  I most certainly do.  But that has come with time and the handful of people I’ve come to that point with that I know for many years.  Still, though I’ve kept the majority of things away from them and try to compartmentalise things.  And tried to not burden people with my stuff because once the floodgates open it could very well be too much for someone.  I learned to work things out in my head for the most part… well because I had to…  So, again, to reiterate if someone does open up to you be nice and try and don’t sweep it under the carpet.

Generally, I’m pretty good at getting up and continuing when things have to be done – but now and again I can’t move.  I literally can’t move.  I’m completely overwhelmed by normal tasks.  TO be fair I can only work super hard or not at all – there is no in between with me – and I need to work on that.  There have been times where I’ve stayed in on my own for three days without talking to a soul to the point that I actually started to love it and I could see how people became recluses.  I have to disconnect my feelings and approach everything rationally, but that puts me on the other side of the scale – which is completely numb.  I may even do that now for a few days because I can’t really face much – but I’m OK like – this too shall pass.

Here is some advice for some ‘normies’ to take on board that might help ya dealing with peeps that are dealing with similar stuff:

1:  Be an active listener when people tell you stuff.  Remember they are opening up to you.  It’s OK to say ‘I don’t know what to say’ and just listen.  It’s OK to say ‘thanks for telling me you feel this way’ or ‘I’m sorry.’  It’s good to ask questions.  Advice might not be the right thing – we might have obstacles in our heads that you.

2:  Figure out what makes people you care about panic and what anxiety looks like for them.  It’s not all panic attacks – it could be super quiet, it could be a nervous tic – whatever – check in with them.

3:  If you haven’t heard from them in a while text them or something to see how they are.  If they’re being mad reclusive try your best to get them out of their rut.  Actively approach them instead of saying merely ‘you know where I am.’

4:  Be as reassuring as you can to them.  The closer you to them – the more reassuring the reassurance is.  Tell them positive things about themselves, talk them through things and don’t laugh at their worries no matter how insignificant or wrong to you they seem.

5:  Be available to talk but also set boundaries.  If you can’t talk tell them when you can.

6:  Try and distract them if they’re getting wound up.

7:  If you’re super worried about them contact their family members (depending on their relationship with them).  Again if you’re super worried about them make sure they’re not on their own.

8:  If your friend is in an abusive relationship do not abandon the friendship because it is hard to watch.  Set boundaries and keep a line of communication open.  Even if it is emotional abuse.  Isolation can make people super suicidal in these situations.

9:  Watch out for sudden changes in mood – like extreme happiness or giving away lots of their stuff.

10:  If they like physical contact give them loads of hugs.

I mean there’s only so much you can do for people but letting them know that their feelings as well as them as a person are important to you can work wonders.  I’m serious.  As far as I’ve come I’m still a bit of a nervous paranoid wreck hiding under the guise of an independent booze loving lady.  I am a human contradiction!

Nov
08

I’m trying this out.  Be nice.  They’re not super serious.

 

img_0712

 

[clicks fingers]

Do you

 

think
if I


hit 


enter 


enough it 


will 


look 


like 


it means


something


profound?

 

 

[redacted]

There’s a hole in the wall behind the door,

And I’m thinking that there’s some deep poetic analogy in there,

while I’m fixing it with gauze and mentally listing the other things that I need to mend.

Seriously,

there’s something in this;

hoovering all the skin out of the carpet,

washing all the stains off the sheets,

sweeping up the broken mirror shards hidden in the corners,

throwing out every single gift,

erasing photos.

When that wall is sanded over,

it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

But I can’t make the connection,

because I’m shit at poetry,

so what the fuck would I know?

 

[baby cracks]

Show me all your baby cracks

and I’ll show you mine,

although maybe they’re more obvious

without saying anything over time.

Ask questions though as if you care,

in a very non-serious way,

because to be honest, I’ll probably just get scared,

and retreat back,

pulling out lumps of my own hair.

 

[the day the fifty euro went on fire on a candle haiku]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

Oct
22

Recent studies have shown that women in hetereosexual couples orgasm way less than the guys – as few as one for every three that their male partners have in fact.  This is complicated further by the fact that 86% of women in lesbian couples have orgasms most or all of the time (all sourced down the end of this article anyway).  I don’t know if that is surprising to anyone, particularly people with vaginas, but if it is, maybe we need to have a look at some of the sexual constructs that uphold this crap – because we all deserve orgasms, don’t we?

Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a big bash on men here – we know that women get stuff wrong too – but if porn has taught me anything – and well, real life too, women have been conditioned to be givers and our orgasm is secondary to that of the man’s pleasure.  It’s totally true.  I’ve had so many experiences over the course of my life that once the dude is done the sex ends there without even a question of how that worked out for ya.  I think women have been conditioned to just be passive about the whole thing and not ask for what they want.  I remember a guy saying to me ‘sure it’s normal women don’t cum every time, yeah?’ when I pointed out that I wanted more than one substandard ride a week that never worked out for me.  That didn’t last very long – I’ll tell you that – especially when the softest direction on how to improve my ‘time’ was met with hostility because of their fragile fucking ego.

Look, I get it – sex education is a load of arse – and focuses on the rudimentary functions – penis gets hard, goes in, cums, goes out.  So the emphasis is on the penis and the penis having a good time so it can yack in the lady parts to make a baby.  But what about the lady having fun?  Surely, it’s important for everyone to have fun or do people just want women to pretend they’re having fun (and believe me lots of women do this just to get it over with)?  Please don’t say ‘I’ve never had any complaints’ either because we (well not me) are as polite as fuck and know it’s a sensitive issue.

I will concede here that not all women can cum, but you can’t assume we won’t.  You know maybe ask us what you could do to help us along maybe.  It seems like communication about sex is just based on a lot of assumptions that no news is good news.  So guys keep thinking the riding is adequate, our enthusiasm wanes and nothing gets said.  There’s two peeps in it but you don’t want to make people feel shit and ruin any potential future boners either. Seriously, I know this is terrible to say but there have been several things that I kept going with dudes that I actually didn’t like and had nothing else going for them particularly just because they were so good at riding – so you know upping your game improves your situation vastly – although I’m a bit of a messed up person so that mightn’t be a great example.

OK so what I’ve done here is start a group chat where 8 of us tried to come up with a list of things that universally appealed to us and advice that we would give men.  You’d think some of these were obvious but apparently they’re not.  I shall also include anonymous quotes because I was in bits laughing.

 

org6

 

1:  Be careful sucking that clit – it ain’t a straw – it’s a tiny bundle of nerve endings – and that can hurt.

2:  Please avoid mashing your nose into the pubic bone or that general area for the love of God.

3:  Do not expect loads of blowies if you’re not reciprocating.

Some are better with their mouth than their fingers and vice versa. But no way in well would I go down on a guy if he refused to go down on me. Tit for tat baby.

and

I think loads of men are actually kind of crap at going down – well actually, no I don’t – I think they are deliberately crap at it so they don’t get asked to do it again.

4:  Do not attempt entry if there is no wetness.  Sometimes that hurts, and even rip things.  Foreplay is very important and should not be stopped after you’ve banged a few times:

Like, some guys seem to think that when they get you off a few times they’ve got the cheat code, and will try to run through the same routine as quickly as possible until they can get their dick wet. Keep exploring, having playful fun, It’s not “kiss the neck, honk the boobs twice, slurp on the clit and horse it in.”

5: Do not assume because you’re done that this is done.  You have a face and hands yeah?

Also- if I don’t get off, I very much consider him to still be on the clock. WE aren’t done until we’re both done so if he comes and I’m still working on it, I expect assistance.

6: Do check and see if stuff is working out for us.  I know this sounds obvious but sometimes we’re being super polite.  I’m sure you’ll know if it’s working to an extent but at least saying something can open it up to us saying ‘actually left a bit’ or ‘down’ or ‘harder’.

orgasm1

7:  There is a fine line with sexy talk.  It can be great or cheese or too much depending on what you’re into.  We seemed to overall find that it didn’t work as well with one night stands.  Also, putting people on the spot with it is super off putting.

Sexy talk isn’t efficient for a one night thing, in my experience. It’s cool when you know someone and know what they’re into and vice versa but it’s too risky with a stranger. What if I say “talk to me” And then he calls me ma or something? Nope.

and

I like Sexy talk done well. I love hearing a guy tell me how hard I make make him and how he loves my pussy. I like him to tell me what feels good and I’ll do the same for him it’s the only way to build up to amazing sex

and

Once when I ended up trying it I’d overthought it waaaaay too much and I just ended up saying ‘OH YOU’RE A STAR’, which made me laugh so much my horn went away.

8:  Open up for communication a bit better and actually listen to us.  If we give you advice listen to it and take it on board because if we’re actually telling you to do something we mean it a lot stronger than it is coming across.  Don’t fucking freak out when we tell you what you’re doing isn’t working.

I told a dude that was fingering me that it was hurting me and tried to guide his hand to do things in a way I would actually enjoy.  He grabbed his hand back off me and shouted I KNOW WHAT IM DOING! and proceeded to tear the box off me and gave me a UTI.

and

Oh yeah, there was another dude who used to do this twisty thing when fingering and rub his knuckles really hard over sensitive bits. And he would get really sulky and moody if I told him to stop mangling my vag.

9:  If something isn’t working for the love of Jesus tell us.

I spent 45 minutes sucking a guy off before and it wasn’t going anywhere.  My jaw was fucking killing me but he didn’t lose his boner so I was confused.  I would’ve appreciated it if he actually had tried to stay in the moment as well as he was watching Countdown the entire time.  If it wasn’t working my jaws would’ve appreciated being told that it wasn’t working.  We’re eager to please like.

org4

10: Consistency is super important.  There is nothing worse than a constant change of rhythm (I’m sure it’s the same for guys) and that can literally ruin orgasms.  I suggested the following technique (for anything involving rhythm – be it oral, penetrative, or hand stuff) to my buddies which was met with approval across the board:  find a thing she’s reacting to well, keep doing that exactly – do not change it at all, increase pressure and speed slightly until HEY PRESTO (orgasm!)

11: Do not ask her to act like she’s enjoying herself.  If she isn’t ask why not?  Unless you’re paying her, in which case, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

12: Stay in the moment.  It’s off putting getting a handjob from someone looking off into the distance.

13: If you want anal only lube will do and don’t expect anything without it.

And a curse forever on the creeper who once poured hair conditioner onto my dry asshole with no kind of consultation.

14: Please only slobber on our gees.  Nowhere else.

15: Just because you’ve a big dick it doesn’t mean you’ve an excuse to be lazy or that you are automatically a good ride.

org3

16: Don’t assume you can just do what you want and we’ll be OK with it:

I had a dude slap me across the face when he came. It was weird. That was a one night thing.

and

I had one guy randomly grab my hair and yank it hard with no warning. .. that was painful and took me right out of it. I know some women like it.. but I feel that’s something that needs to be discussed. I’m no prude… I totally get the pain pleasure thing… but boundaries need to be be discussed first.

and

The guy who- when I moved, intending to switch positions (i said something like “wait let me just move over”), so I slid myself up the bed and he just pulled me back down to where I’d been before, by my hips. I had to proper yell at him before he’d listen.

17: Don’t openly compare us or even imply that you are to other people you’ve rode.  Especially when you don’t put in any effort.

There was this guy I used to ride and he’d talk about how all his exes were boring in bed.  I used to ride him.  The common denominator was him.  I mean he was literally one out of like three people in my life that I had fuck all chemistry with in bed, yet I still felt like I was being compared to the weird expectations of a super lazy dude and that in turn put me under pressure to try and compare and completely ruined any chance I had of an orgasm.

org218

18:  Don’t assume you can just fuck someone’s face from the offset:

Yeah calm your tits there mick, I need my oesophagus.

19: Vibrating cock rings are awesome and mean that you don’t have to use your hands on the lady parts during riding.  Although we found that we’re all super different as regards where we orgasm from – be in clitoral, g-spot or cervix.

0rg5

20: There seemed to be a bit shame from a few of us about our interests – which welcomely came up – and were extremely diverse – almost like we were real people.  One person admitted to trying things they were ashamed of to which was met by:

Dont be ashamed ever! Sure there’s some people that wanna get into nappies like.

A massive factor that also contributed to our enjoyment of sex was also tied in with how we felt about ourselves and our bodies.  We can be sensitive little creatures about these matters so we can – even if we like getting choked or squirting.

So can we all be humans about this?  I don’t think it’s difficult to give someone else and orgasm is it?  Do you not want to give other people pleasure and get repeat rides like?  We’re all self conscious.  We’re all assholes.  We should demand equality in all things.  Including orgasms.  Because although they’re not the be-all-and-end-all of sexy times they should be a prerequisite for everyone.  The more effort you put in the more we probably will.

View story at Medium.com

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/orgasm-gap-sex-study-straight-women-have-fewer-orgasms-than-men/

View story at Medium.com

View story at Medium.com

Oct
05

Are you a ‘menz’?  It’s different than a man – which on its own I have no issue with.  ‘Menz’, however, are different and live in their own little world of toxic masculinity which perpetuates their own misery and this misery leads to sadz… which leads to menz tears… which is the main source of my feminist power.

Here’s a quiz to see how menzy you are.  On their own loads of these aren’t that bad but when cumulatively applied and a high score is reached you’re probably not my kind of person.

They’re simple yes or no answers and a diagram to explain it for your simple menz brains below.  If you score over 70 let me know because your tears will taste exquisite.

 

1:  Do you like to be controversial for the sake of it?

2:  Do you make shit jokes about vegetarians that weren’t even funny 10 years ago?

3:  Do you rely on the women in your life for emotional support that you wouldn’t with the male counterparts you know?

4:  Do you start sentences regularly with ‘women are’?

5:  Do you often start explaining things to women without gauging their level of expertise first (or even despite knowing that this IS their area of expertise or job)?

6:  Do you make a point of talking to women about their pleasure being important to you like it’s exceptional?

7:  Do you go asleep without checking if your partner has also orgasmed?

8:  The female body is a mystery yeah?

9:  Do you believe it’s weak for men to cry?

10: Have you ever referred to yourself as ‘woke’?

11: Do you diminish women’s looks, personality or intellect when chatting them up?

12: Do you think women talk too much?

13: Do you think women talk more than men?

14: Do you think ‘rape culture’ is a myth?

15: Do you think Jordan Peterson is cool?

16: In a public setting do you feel the need to talk loudly and over everybody?

17: Do public displays of affection bother you?

18: Do public displays or affection bother you when it’s not a heterosexual couple?

19:  Are gay men gross but lesbians hot?

20: Do you treat your mother like shit?

21: Have you ever referred to your partner as ‘a ball and chain’, or something to that effect?

22: Do you feel the need to tell women your opinion on their physical appearance without prompting?

23: It is often negative?

24: Have you ever lied to get sex?

25: Have you ever ‘accidentally’ put your dick in the wrong hole?

26: Would you be pissed off if you only had daughters?

27: If you had a son (or have one) have you spoken to him about consent?

28:  Do you think women are worse to each other than men are to women?

29: All women are after the same thing?

30: Are you scared of men seeing your dick?

31: Are you afraid to hug other men?

32: Have you ever said ‘where are all the female {insert career dominated by men here}?’

33: Have you ever played devil’s advocate about a rape case?

34: Is a woman farting gross but a man farting ok?

35: After you scratch yourself do you smell your hand?

36: Do all women love shoes?

37: There is a fine line between normal and needy, yeah?

38: Have you ever unironically said ‘not all men’?

39: When a woman or women have been discussing something relevant to them through statistics and/or experience have you said ‘what about the men’ or ‘that happens to men too’, or ‘I don’t do that.’

40: Would you laugh at a friend that was being physically abused by a female partner?

41: Do you have difficulty expressing emotion with words?

42: Do you have a hard time listening to women?

43: Have you ever had sex with someone who was waayyy drunker than you?

44: Do you think the amount of sexual partners a woman has had can have an impact on her vag?

45: If someone laughed during sex would you freak out?

46: Have you ever explained men to women by  saying ‘this is what men do?’

47: Do men have higher sex drives than women?

48: Would you buy tampons for your lady in the supermarket?

49: Do you refuse to go to the doctor until you’re super unwell?

50:  Do you deserve cookies for basic tasks?

Each is worth 2 points.

Look yourself up below and post your results.   If you are an uber menz I will make you cry on purpose.

 

menzgraph

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jul
24

cranky

1: Not everyone feels the same way you do about things – we’re all different – so don’t assume that everyone will have the same priorities as you.

2: If you’re bursting for a wee walk in backwards to the bathroom and open your trousers before you even look at the toilet to avoid your bladder getting excited and pissing yourself.

3: Ask yourself questions before making a negative comment: What’s the point in saying this? Is there a positive suggestion to rectify the situation accompanying this statement? What is there to gain by saying this?

4: There is no point in fighting on the internet. Keep away from comment sections.

5: Compartmentalise every element of your life so if one part goes on fire that the whole thing doesn’t explode.

6: Don’t waste your time hating people. Complete waste of energy.

7: Looking back at past events can be helpful to avoid repetition. However, if you look back too much you won’t go anywhere else.

8: If you get a sweaty bum when sitting on a glossy surface before standing wipe your bum along the surface to remove the sweat shape of your arse.

9: Belly buttons are useful for storing shower gel when in the bath.

10: Instrumental music is a good background for creativity.

11: Getting up early is the only way to be productive.

12: You can’t give 100%, 100% of time. Aim for 50%, 75% of the time.

13: If you have to get up early but you’re locked sleep somewhere really uncomfortable so you wake up before your alarm.

14: Invest – at least equally – if not more, in platonic friendships – not romantic ones. You can get everything you need without being in a relationship, with lots of friends and sex toys.

15: Seriously, stop trying to rap. You’ve been doing this in private for years. You really can’t do it Caroline – get over it.

16: If you want to learn how to ‘network’ forget that fucking word and just try to make genuine human connections.

17: Accept that people don’t really know or understand you – and that’s fine – they don’t deserve that anyway.

18: Do not take kitchen knives out of their packaging and put them back in your backpack.

19: It’s better to want things than to need them. Other than essentials like food and shelter you don’t really need anything.

20: Social media can get you the ride if you play your cards right.

21: If you have heartburn in bed sleep on your left hand side.

22: Kegels are super important and do improve sex. They make your vag magic if you do them right.

23: Hug and cuddle people. Share beds with platonic friends and spoon. It’s lovely and releases oxytocin and makes ya happy and calm.

24: Laugh at people’s shite jokes – particularly men – they love that. Fragile dopes.

25: Disappear sometimes and don’t tell anyone where you are. Turn your phone off and all.

26: Being angry makes you more productive than being sad. If you work this out sooner rather than later you can turn loads of things around.

27: Constantly examine patterns in your life and if the same problems keep happening change that shit up.

28: If you’re feeling broody offer to babysit a child with colic. That’ll fix ya.

29: I don’t know if it’s just me but my period has gone nuts since I hit my thirties. If you’re like me for the first two days of the ‘red army’ hide away from anyone you may be likely to punch.

30: Eyebrows frame your face – have good eyebrows.

31: If someone touches someone from the waist down they probably fancy them.

32: Positivity is more productive than negativity, and in many cases, on a individual level, more conducive to eliciting a positive response or change.

33: If you fancy someone avoid them like the plague, unless you’re super drunk. You’ll just say something stupid anyway. At least you’ll have the excuse you were drunk.

34: Dick is abundant and of low value.

35: If attempting to pleasure a woman consistency of motion is very important. Don’t change things up just before she pops.

36: Reply to annoying messages with random facts about Skeletor or some rare parrot.

37: Expectations can ruin things so generally have none – just basics that need to be met.

38: Fear engulfment that comes with relationships. Maintain your own individuality and never expose vulnerabilities.

39: Bring up issues as soon as you can but when you feel you have processed enough emotionally to be rational.

40: Try to avoid raising your voice. Scream into a pillow later or have an angry wank later.

41: Never call a woman ‘loud’, ‘irrational’, ‘stupid’, ‘pig’ or ’emotional’ without expecting negative backlash you asshole. Never say she is ‘overreacting’ unless you want to see what overreacting actually looks like.

42: Sometimes people just want to vent – not for you to fix anything. If you don’t know what to say just actively listen.

43: Ask people questions about themselves to get to know them. I know this sounds obvious but there is literally no way of really getting to know someone without asking them things. It also shows you are interested in them.

44: Keep your coffee grounds in the fridge.

45: Always carry baby wipes. You’ll be grateful for them if there’s no jacks roll.

46: Toss a coin to make decisions like ‘who should I bring home tonight?’ or ‘should I leave my job?’

47: Let kitties come to you.

48: Show people how to make you happy in bed and if they react badly that’s their business.

49: People project onto each other loads. Listen to them. It’s not you, it’s them.

50: Avoid people who say all their ex-partners were crazy. The only common denominator there is them, innit?

Jul
03

jacks

 

 

A few people, (men obviously) have said to me recently that women never really say what they mean. I didn’t think this was a problem specific to women. I mean I’ve met men that expect you to be able to fucking mind read. I can’t speak for any other woman but my needs are basic – cuddles, orgasms, food, and chats – that’s pretty much it. Still, I suppose I’m a bit indirect.  Still apparently women speak this crazy code that men just can’t understand.  I suppose pleading ignorance makes it easier than actually learning how vaginas work though, eh?  Or just saying we’re crazy is easier than admitting that you’re actually just a lazy shit, ha?

Perhaps this reference chart can help you decipher the mystical female language that yiz are clearly too lazy to work out yisserselves (but I mean I’m only one woman):

WHAT I SAY:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I SAY:

Is that right, yeah?

WHAT I MEAN:

Go fuck yourself, you’re so wrong

WHAT I SAY:

Are you happy?

WHAT I MEAN:

Am I happy?

WHAT I SAY:

What do you think?

WHAT I MEAN:

Make this decision please

WHAT I SAY:

Meh

WHAT I MEAN:

Don’t push this issue

WHAT I SAY:

[Blows air like a horse from lips]

WHAT I MEAN:

I thought we weren’t pushing                                                                                                        this issue.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m getting narky

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re pissing me off. Stop.

WHAT I SAY:

It doesn’t matter

WHAT I MEAN:

I think if we discussed this                                                                                                                    either we’ll end up fighting or                                                                                                            you can’t really help

WHAT I SAY:

State of ya

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re adorable

WHAT I SAY:

Sorry I missed your call I was in the shower.

WHAT I MEAN:

I was staring at my phone                                                                                                                     wondering why you rang.

WHAT I SAY:

Prick

WHAT I MEAN:

Awwwwwww

WHAT I SAY:

Why bother even saying that?

WHAT I MEAN:

I didn’t ask for your opinion

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I have a tendency to self-                                                                                                                      sabotage things because people                                                                                                          are turds and death awaits us                                                                                                              all anyway

WHAT I SAY:

[…]

WHAT I MEAN:

I like you

WHAT I SAY:

[…..] UGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Yeah, I like ya

WHAT I SAY:

[….] You’re OK, like

WHAT I MEAN:

Ah, I probably                                                                                                                                      have proper feels

WHAT I SAY:

I couldn’t sleep

WHAT I MEAN:

I am a bag of anxiety

WHAT I SAY:

I heard you before

WHAT I MEAN:

Please do not repeat this story                                                                                                             again

WHAT I SAY:

Ah, I don’t want to talk about [insert specific issue]

WHAT I MEAN:

I can only say nice things so I                                                                                                               need to just not talk about it.

WHAT I SAY:

[Shrieking noise]

WHAT I MEAN:

DID YOU JUST TELL ME I WAS                                                                                                            OVERREACTING?!

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t be a sap

WHAT I MEAN:

Cop on like.

WHAT I SAY:

No

WHAT I MEAN:

No

WHAT I SAY:

Yes

WHAT I MEAN:

Yes

WHAT I SAY:

Maybe

WHAT I MEAN:

No, unless you make it really                                                                                                               easy for me or you really want                                                                                                           to do it.

WHAT I SAY:

Go on, teach me something.

WHAT I MEAN:

I LOVE BEING PATRONISED

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m just warning you I have                                                                                                                 lots of feelings so you may                                                                                                                   have to reassure me a lot to                                                                                                                 calm me the fuck down.

WHAT I SAY:

I know.

WHAT I MEAN:

Why are you explaining this                                                                                                                again?

WHAT I SAY:

Please stop talking.

WHAT I MEAN:

I can’t hear myself think.

WHAT I SAY:

Are you annoyed with me?

WHAT I MEAN:

I haven’t decided if I’m                                                                                                                           annoyed yet but your reaction                                                                                                             will dictate the outcome.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a catch!

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not a catch – I was being                                                                                                               sarcastic.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a bit overwhelmed

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m going to have a breakdown.

WHAT I SAY:

It’s fine.

WHAT I MEAN:

Seriously, it’s all good like.

WHAT I SAY:

BLEURGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Give me a hug or something.

WHAT I SAY:

I’ll be back in a while

WHAT I MEAN:

Going to have a poop.

WHAT I SAY:

My tummy isn’t well.

WHAT I MEAN:

I had the plops.

WHAT I SAY:

[Stares at something I can’t do]

WHAT I MEAN:

Won’t ask for help but will                                                                                                                   stare at it till someone else                                                                                                                   offers.

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t

WHAT I MEAN:

If you touch me again… don’t…just don’t..

WHAT I SAY:

Attention!

WHAT I MEAN:

Pet me!

WHAT I SAY:

OK… (wary face)

WHAT I MEAN:

What are you playing at?  Is                                                                                                                this a trap?

I realise now that I may be like a cat. Yup, I’m a cat. I’m not even a woman so perhaps this isn’t applicable to other women at all then.  Sorry for wasting your time – I guess you’ll never learn how women work now.

May
16

 

OK so I spend a lot of my time day dreaming.  Also,  I wanted to post something amusing for a change – or at least something that I find amusing.

 

Here is a list of words and phrases that I think should be used if they aren’t already:

freak out

‘Mind deaf’

When you cannot hear your own thoughts because someone is talking too much – usually a child or drunk person.

‘My head was wrecked because he just wouldn’t shut up.  I went completely mind deaf.’

 

‘Dipster’

An accidental older hipster, who doesn’t think they’re a hipster but they totally look like one and are kinda a dick.

‘Did you see him vaping outside the vegan restaurant talking about wind energy?’

What a dipster.’

 

‘Trench cunt’

Similar to ‘trench foot’, but obviously with a vagina.  When the area starts to go all weird from being too wet and goes all crinkley like you spent too long in the bath.  Very likely to lead to a urinary tract infection – so make sure you pee!

‘I can’t get comfortable today after all the bangs yesterday – I think I have trench cunt.’

 

‘Bastard’

A person who sits on the outside of the seat on a bus and/or has their bag still up on the seat when the bus is packed.

‘There were loads of bastards on the bus today and I couldn’t get a seat.’

 

Interferon’

A person who likes to interfere with whatever you are doing because they seem to think you can’t do anything correctly.

‘He kept coming in and trying to stir my shit when I was in the kitchen.  Fucking interferon.’

 

Old fashioned.’

A role play involving the man coming home drunk, shouting at his partner to get back in the kitchen, holding a picture of the Pope and taking his belt off to give her a good auld beating.

‘Ah man, I’m in bits today because I had an old fashioned last night.’

 

‘Deja vag’

The moment when you walk into a situation and notice that multiple of your past partners or people you’ve slept with (also known as the collective  ‘an awkward of exs’) are all around each other and talking.  You don’t know if they know about each other and you don’t like it or what they could be talking about.  You don’t like it one bit.

‘I got total deja vag last night and it feels like I heard the word anal mentioned.  I’m fucking mortified.’

 

‘Blackout bleeeeernds.’

This should just simply replace the normal noun of blackout blinds purely because it makes me laugh.  I burped trying to say blackout blinds before and it came out like this.  Now I can only say ‘blackout bleeeeernds.’

No example needed.

 

‘Prawn’

Use this word to deliberately infuriate a 14-year-old whilst playing chess with him, pretending you are thick, instead of the correct phrase ‘pawn.’

‘So the prawn can only move one space yeah?’

‘IT’S CALLED A PAWN MOTHER YOU FUCKING IDIOT!’

And the prawn can only move forward too yeah?’

‘INAUDIBLE ANGRY GIBBERISH.’

 

‘Shakespearing.’

When someone is super locko and going off on a diatribe that nobody either gets or is listening to.  Much like a monologue in Shakespearean plays.

‘He was pretty drunk.  He was all Shakespearing about the Celtic tiger and the crash… I think.’

jon

Jambon Jovi.’

A cool name for a jambon.

jam2

‘Jammie dodger.’

Someone who won’t have sex with someone when they have their period.

‘I have such a horn on me but the red army has come to visit.’

‘Oh is he a jammie dodger?’

(Insert sad face here)

fun

‘Amusement park’

A person you would ride continuously for the weekend but never again.  Possibly involving pre-emptive purchase of the morning after pill.

‘They’re not really relationship material to be honest.  And that’s not what I was looking for anyway but they are a decent amusement park.’

 

‘Hangover horn’

I’m pretty sure people use this but had to explain this concept to someone recently.  Upon awakening after an excessive night of drinking, filled with fear and a headache, there is a massive rise in vulnerability and libido.   This sometimes results in a worsening of the symptoms of the hangover but is an urge that is very hard to resist.

‘I had the worst hangover horn ever this morning.  After I had that bang I puked.’

 

‘Ghost whispering’

When you hear someone say the exact thing you said as if it was their idea in the first place.

‘That motherfucking prick is passing my idea off as his own about my podcast!  What am I?  The fucking ghost whisperer?’

 

‘Dissing’

When someone messages you that you don’t like and you pretend you got a new phone in the hopes that they’ll get the message.

‘U STILL UP?  WANT TO HAVE SUM FUN?’

‘NEW PHONE.  WHO DIS?’

 

 

May
15

Zim_serves_in_Impending_doom_one

 

Safety is a fundamental human need, yeah?  To feel secure and cosy.  Children unquestioningly have this blind faith, trust and reliance on their parents to do the right things for them – to keep them safe and protect them.  We are their role models, we need to be strong and show them not to take shit, but we also need to shield them.  At the same time parents (and I’m including myself here clearly) have an obligation to teach them how to protect themselves, because the world isn’t going to change for your child but your child clearly needs to be tough enough to be able to deal with the shite life throws up at you.

These thoughts passed through my mind as I looked at the snow from inside my house and compared the relatively calm looking snow with the weather warnings.

YOU NEED TO BE SCARED OF THE FUCKING SNOW!

Someone told me the other day that I was an optimistic person which I found, to be quite frank, fucking redonkulous.  The world is a scary place and I’ve been scared, or at least super apprehensive, quite a lot in my lifetime.  It’s nearly become a complete exhaustive way of life at times.  And, this isn’t based on the bullshit that the tabloids would spew to instil fear into you – it’s based on life experience.  It has only occurred to me in the last few years that I rarely feel safe any more and I can’t remember the last time I did.

What’s your agenda?  Is this a load of lies?  Should I be left alone with this person?  How can I escape if I need to?  I should just leave.  I should just go before I get hurt.

So, yeah I’m bit of a paranoid person, perhaps.  Despite what you might think though, I’m observant – most certainly when it comes to people.  You can’t write properly without being observant to a certain degree, or at least look at things in a different way to most people.  I can see those little microexpressions, I can feel the tension in a room and I’m always on the lookout – because my dear dear friends – the world isn’t safe and people are shit.  I can tell when a fight is about to brew.  I can see when someone is in a bad mood and volatile.  I can predict whether someone is whispering shite about me or someone I care about.  I’m nearly always right too, as much as I wish I wasn’t, because things nearly always go the way I predict.  I wish I was fucking oblivious.  I wish I didn’t care.

You might think I seem relaxed but I’m not.  Even my baseline for being relaxed is really skewed.  I think the easiest way to try to describe how I feel is to get you to imagine waiting to be punched.  Maybe it’s like a second before the fist gets your face.  Imagine that anticipation for a long extended period of time.  You’re trapped in this perpetual limbo of agony.  I sound like a squirrely motherfucker don’t I? Inside I am.

And what do I do?  Freeze – play dead – literally in some cases because I can’t process stress or if I feel in super danger (or more likely someone I care about) fight mode is activated.  This is normal, I think – yeah?  The whole fight or flight thing?  But imagine someone shouting at you and literally shutting down like a powered off robot.  Well either that or just burn everything to the ground and walk away.  At best it permeates so much through my regular life that I try and avoid situations where I feel vulnerable – not so much in a physical (although that does happen) but emotionally.  So how close can you get to that, eh?

Being frightened a lot of the time and withdrawing can be exhausting.  Or constantly waiting for shit to go down isn’t really conducive to being productive – unless you want to actually run and I never do that so….  I’ve kinda tried adopting robot mode generally.  It’s super rare I trust anyone properly anyway and I don’t feel like I’ve ever really been protected so I’ve learned to protect myself.  You can’t expose that super raw little underbelly of mine – oh no!

Let’s keep it fluffy and light, eh?  I mean constant reassurance and cuddles and slowly gaining my trust with inciteful conversation could help – but seriously who has time to do that like?  And I’m not a needy fucker but that seems like I’m totally on needy street right there.

Seriously, the media are crazy for making us terrified at every single turn.  Murder, war, recession, homelessness, joblessness, rape, abuse, healthcare, pandemics….

THE WORLD IS GOING TO EXPLODE LIKE A DUMPSTER ON FIRE!

You can’t look anywhere without fear being sold to you.  Well, maybe more even forced on you.  And scared people are easier to control.  Talk to them with any authority and they’ll let you make decisions for them.  Seriously, wear people down enough and they’re easy as fuck to manipulate.  Especially, if it seems like you’ve got the situation handled.

All I can hope in many ways that my ultra vigilance in many ways (cos although my anxiety is at an all-time low it’s inherently still a massive part of me) protects my kid and that he feels safe.

If you don’t understand these feelings still – even objectively – you might need to take a step back before casting judgement.  I still feel sometimes that people just don’t get how paralysing feeling like this can be at times and a lot of the time I feel like my feelings are invalidated or dismissed.  And there’s only so much of that I can take when I expose a tiny tiny bit of that raw underbelly only to hear that it’s not a big deal.  If you can’t empathise, try to sympathise, yeah?  You’d be a bit nuts too if you felt like this (with good fucking reason).

 

May
09

 

toilet

 

 

We’ve all reached points when suddenly we know that a date or early stage relationship isn’t going to work.  Sometimes it makes sense, like seeing some red flags, and other times it can be a strange arbitrary thing – like not liking her eyeliner or laugh.  I’m not saying I’m cool or above criticism but here are a few of the things that I have encountered that have made me reconsider seeing said person ever again.  Most of these are from my 30’s too, a time when I’m way less likely to waste time and spot signals that lead to bad places, but some of them are just stupid things that I couldn’t get over.  I am a fickle creature.  I know, I’m SUCH a catch!

I’m a dick, I get it.

 

They told me I was a good ‘draw-er’.

During sexy times, they continuously pinched the backs of my knees.

They said ‘but it’s normal for girls not to orgasm most of the time’ and seemed to use it as an excuse not to try.

He kept talking about his J1.

Told me that women need to be ’emotionally connected to the person’ to have sex with them.

They couldn’t pronounce ‘daiquiri’ and for some reason, ‘da-queer-ee’ really bugged me.

On a first date when I went to the bathroom they screamed ‘please come back’ at me and everyone looked.

They asked me if I wanted to go for a jog in the morning.

They seemed annoyed that I wasn’t a real red head.

They told me that my face was asymmetrical.

When they got a horrible haircut.

When they told me I had a horrible haircut – but my hair was nice.

They asked me if I’d been in prison.

They said ‘guys can finger girls, but girls can’t wank dudes.’  Tell that to my sore vag,           dude.

All their last girlfriends were ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’.

Accused me of posting pictures of them on the internet while they slept.

Repeated use of the phrase ‘I am a man’ or ‘I am nice.’

They said: ‘People kept saying she was retarded – she wasn’t – it’s just the education             system in America is really bad.’

I saw socks and sandals.

They asked me to let them piss on me.

She wouldn’t stop talking about her ex.

They told me they hated falafel like it would mortally wound me.

Criticised my parenting.

They wouldn’t let me talk.

Showed up for food with no money and didn’t tell me till we were paying so I had to pay for them as well.  I don’t mind paying for my own shit, don’t get me wrong – but I wouldn’t show up with no money.

Got angry when I said I was considering piercing my septum.

They were too sensitive about me making requests for stuff in the bedroom and took everything as a criticism.

Said sex once a week would be enough.

They mentioned marriage.

Clearly did not listen to a word I said.

They made too much of a point saying that looks aren’t everything.

After an ‘accident’ kept asking me to let them know if there was ‘any news.’

Thought that we pee out our vaginas.  They were in their late 30’s.

I realised I didn’t like the smell of their sweat

They shouted ‘how many orgasms did you have?’ at me in a cafe.  I’d had none.

They asked if we were exclusive after 3 dates.

They bought me flowers from a petrol station.

Thought Mrs Brown’s Boys was funny.

Explained women to me.

I realised they looked like Bryan Adams.

They insulted me all night, talked over me, told me to ‘shut up’ and then tried to kiss me in a fridge in Centra while I was trying to grab chocolate milk.

They never asked me any questions about me.

When I returned to the house after 12 hours they were in the exact same position as when I had left them.  This happened every day.

They were forceful about getting nudes.

When they told me I had lovely blue eyes.  They’re green.

Got angry because I didn’t reply straight away.

They opened a wallet stuffed with cash deliberately slowly in front of me.

They laughed about giving an ex an STI.

‘Should you be eating that?’

Pretended they knew what a clitoris was – cos they clearly didn’t.

Other things that could be added to this list include messaging me a minimum of 20 times an hour, ringing me in the middle of the night AND scratching right inside their butthole in front of me (and smelling their hand).  Get ta fuck like.

 

 

 

 

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