Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.


In a way I was made for a lockdown – I’m chubby so I can last ages even if there is a food shortage, I work from home and really enjoy my own company.  I can keep myself entertained for endless hours without getting bored and can keep myself in some kind of routine and that rarely even involves masturbation.

When this whole lockdown thing was announced, although it escalated quite quickly, I was prepared – I had organised a lovely desk and had made a pretty decent space for myself to work and keep myself occupied, I had a checklist of things to do that I could fill my time with and I promised myself and others that we would stay in contact.  I wanted this time to be productive.  I wanted to write my own work again.  I wanted to start and actually finish new projects and learn new skills.  The emphasis here is on wanted.

This whole pandemic thing really is uncharted territory.  There is no set path for how this will work out and in my case, and I’m sure many others, I’m kind of stuck in this weird paralysis state worrying about work and how I’ll have to adapt my future plans or the tenuous nature of all non-familial relationships or when I’ll get to spend a whole day with my kid again.  Like I’m not saying I plan very far into the future, but I usually have some idea of where I’d want to go and the way things are now it’s impossible to know where that will bring us.  Some days I feel optimistic and then I’m bombarded with some news that quashes it completely.  And I don’t even want to think about the possibility of anyone dying – I’m not going to even go there.  And I have all this time, this time that I could and should be used wisely, but this is all running in the back of my mind and after an hour of sitting at my laptop I find that I’ve been staring into space more than usual.  So, to compensate for my lack of productivity I stay at the computer for longer, and work harder, and feel guilty for moving away from it, and then I worry that I’m going full-on hermit and can’t really speak to people in person anymore.  Then I have a wank, to momentarily distract myself, but feel shame immediately afterwards, eat some cheese and crackers and end up going through a photo album, whilst actively ignoring and feeling slightly irritated by phonecalls.

Honestly I don’t think anyone should particularly care about my experience of lockdown.  Nobody is on their own in that respect.  I’m still going to write about it anyway because it might make me feel a bit better.

I know that my anxiety about the whole situation is not unique and in a way, I feel guilty for feeling this way when people have worse things going on right now.  And this, in turn, makes me less likely to want to talk to people at all (I feel like I’d be the opposite of super fun to be around right now) which I suppose perpetuates the situation completely.  Instead I have naps in my room intermittently where I have dreams about having a cool pet bat who I feed berries to.  It sleeps in the front pocket of my hoodie and when I call it it lands on my arms like a motherfucking hawk.

It is difficult in some ways, to be productive, or even function properly in these situations.  Despite usually doing well on my own with my books, coffee, laptop, music and choices in film (that nobody else I know wants to watch with me) I’m finding it difficult to motivate myself to do normal everyday things like empty the dishwasher or shave my pits.  I mean, I’ll wear a full face of make-up and a ball gown, but you bet your bottom dollar I’ve been wearing no knickers for two days because I couldn’t be arsed GOING DOWNSTAIRS to put on a wash.

It may feel like there is no point and I have to an extent had to trick myself into thinking tiny goals are the point.  I have come to the conclusion that the goal for however long this may be is to function, or at least try to as best I can.  Productivity is overrated anyway and seriously, why are so many of us so concerned with being productive during a fucking stressful pandemic?!

So before it goes crazy gloomy and dark, here is a list of a few of the things that I have been doing to feel a slight sense of accomplishment and that you could emulate if you wish.

1: Get rid of all that hard skin on your feet.

Scrape all bullshit hard skin from your soles with a razor blade until you have a crazy pile of human skin in your room.  Keep going like you’re grating a load of parmesan. Keep going… That’ll make them lovely and soft… Oh shit now you’re bleeding… Oh fuck…

2: Hide a scary doll around the house to attempt to frighten your housemates.

Make it a game.  For the record, I’ve owned this doll for years but don’t know where it came from.


Hopefully, scare the shit out of them to keep morale up.


I mean this isn’t cruel, is it?  It’s just funny?


3: Spreadsheets are amazing!  I cannot emphasise this enough.

A lot of us are more on a budget these days and when you feel out of control this is the ultimate way to plan every single aspect of your life.  List every item of food, price it on Tesco, create formulas to do the sums.  List everything.

And then ignore said lists when it comes to food shopping and spending.  But it’s cool.  You felt in control for a minute.

4: Attempt to infiltrate 5G groups.


Why wouldn’t you do this?  I’ve been working on this but not getting anywhere.  I mean I’ve been accepted but my posts don’t get approved – so I think my attempts at trolling weren’t subtle enough.  I mean, it’s hard not to laugh at people who think crystals can stop 5G radiation if you put them in their router, while posting on the internet and talking about the lack of birds in their area.

Honestly, I’m not going there to fight.  I’m just going there to laugh.

Also, seriously if you believe 5G is actually a bad thing please just remove yourself from my life because I will attempt to get you to talk about it in public and, not even bully you, just let you talk and do yourself damage.

How can you not laugh at these absolute farts?


5: Buy stocks and shares on Revolut

I’ve added the amount of money that I would normally spend on drinking for two weeks (because I’ve not really been drinking) to my Revolut account and started buying things.  Honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing but did I make a spreadsheet about it?  You bet I did.

Also, one Sunday morning I woke up to this:


This was clearly a glitch, and I couldn’t do anything about it because it was a Sunday and everything is closed, but for a good half hour I thought I was going to live like a total queen.

6: Get really good at contouring.

Contouring is simple.  Just put brown and white all over your face.  You can look as good as me.


To be fair, with all this extra time my eyeliner skills have definitely improved:


7: Cook more and take a picture of everything that you’ve cooked so you can prove that you can cook you just didn’t before.

I never post pictures of food but now I like to document everything I’ve cooked because if you don’t take a picture of what you’ve cooked have you even cooked it?


Add salad to the food to make it hilarious, because salad is hilarious.

8: Sell pictures of your feet to online pervs

You don’t think I shaved all the hard skin off my feet for no reason?  Might as well put them to good use and if some harmless perv wants to pay for pictures of my feet who am I to argue?

9: Artsy stuff

Sometimes I wonder if I should bother and I’ve not been doing it as much as I should, but maaaaaannn artsy stuff relaxes the shit out of me.  At the same time, most of the stuff I draw looks either slightly wrong or like the creation of a demented woman in quarantine.  I’ll get better.  Just give it time.  It’s not like I’m going anywhere.


10: Learn to get better at controlling your dreams so you can always dream about having a cool bat land on your arm like a hawk.


Before I go, solve the riddle:





I’ve seen lots of talk of mental health stuff recently – with articles being shared all over the place about things – BUT I think they’re mostly very abstract with very little connection to the real world.  Also, I think most people that aren’t affected by any of these issues – either directly or with people super close to them – don’t really give a shit or want to learn about them.  Now, I’m no expert by any means about any of this, but I have a fairly extensive history with a few different elements of being ‘cray cray’ over the years (I’m 100% not saying this lightly) but maybe I can help make a link the reality of things and the theory and garner some sympathy, if not empathy for your friends that might be going through some crap.  Again, this is only my own experience and I am sitting here in bed at 8.30pm listening to Elliott Smith with the view of mostly shutting myself in on my own for the next few days – bar what I absolutely have to do.

Without trying to be super heavy or self-indulgent I have amongst other things (I’m not 100% on what they are yet but I’ve finally decided to find out what they are) pretty bad anxiety as well as other things that contribute to me not being able to regulate my feelings like a ‘normal’ person.  So when I feel something – I really really feel it.  I feel it to the extent that it paralyses me or kind of forces me into some maladaptive coping mechanisms (not so much in the last year or so though anyway, which is good).  You probably can’t tell by looking at me, but it’s the truth.  I’ve spent years trying to even myself out and this is partially why I’m tired all the time and get drunk really fucking easily.  I’ve been medicated several times and at certain points probably should’ve got help but up until recently I kept it very hidden and secret because I was ashamed.  I mean I’m pretty sure I had at least one breakdown and lots of other serious shite happened that nobody knew about because I didn’t think anyone gave a fuck or because I didn’t want to put my crap on anyone.

This has been ongoing since I was a kid and I used to stay up nervously at night pulling out chunks of my hair and eating it.  I was a super duper sensitive child – happy – but nervous and then as I grew and developed into a teenager became angrier and more of an asshole.  I mean, my head wasn’t right, nobody listened to me, stopped eating, cut chunks out of myself and came home bruised (that’s a loooooong story) but being angry made me more of a badass when actually I’m very very soft.  I kind of learned how to protect myself early on and only in the last few years I realised how fucked up this was.  I had nobody to rely on.  In 1997, triggered by a series of unfortunate events I attempted suicide – which would be the first of three failed attempts – and before anyone says ‘it was a cry for help’ I didn’t really ever tell anyone till after they happened.   I’m only saying this to prove a point that not a lot of people knew.  I only really thought about these things again recently when I was talking to a friend about it and they were shocked about a few of the things that I’ve encountered over the course of my life and I was kind of surprised by their reaction.  I hadn’t given it much thought until recently – but I’m starting to think about how I’ve learned to cope with things through that kind of prism.  I’ve come a long way since then though.  I swear.

A lot of the time when I tried to talk about things, before I found a good therapist, I wasn’t listened to or dismissed.  There is nothing more disheartening than trying to tell someone about what’s going on and open up, leaving yourself all vulnerable to meet either radio silence or be dismissed.  So I stopped talking and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  Or got shitfaced.  I lost my voice.  I know not everyone knows what to say to someone about these things but to be listened to is a fucking glorious thing.  Like not just hear the words but actually listen.  To grab your hand or be supportive.  I know our mental health system is a fucking joke and focuses too much on getting us to talk to each other instead of professionals and nobody should be used as a crutch but how can you open up when you’re pretty much told to stop making a fuss.  So I think because of that I was subconsciously a selfish asshole well into my 20’s (debatable) and learned for a series of serious disappointments that I was the only one who could be relied on.  At some point in my 20’s I copped on and started to throw myself into college and work (to a degree like) and tried consciously not to repeat the mistakes that I had made.

Anxiety is such a fucking bitch though.  I’m scared of so many things – sometimes specific and sometimes vague – that if I said them all out loud it seems like I’m a wuss.  I suppose if you want to imagine anxiety – well at least how I feel it – I feel like I’m constantly waiting to get punched in the face.  I watch everything and everyone and although I don’t inherently believe that everyone is bad I feel enough bad people that seem to gravitate towards me for me to hardly ever relax.  I try very hard to calm down a lot of the time but my stupid inner monologue literally never shut up, reminding me of behavioural patterns that I’ve seen before and warning me to be wary.  I mean that sounds rational enough though, right?  Based on past experiences, particularly older and less clear ones, all this has been adapted into your personality and how you cope with things, right?  I mean it makes sense.  You’re protecting yourself because you feel things too much.  But imagine your brain not allowing you to be happy for extended periods of time because you’re just waiting for it to all fuck up.  Imagine not being able to ever live in the moment or getting freaked out when you feel like people are getting that little bit too close too quickly.  Because in your head most people are dicks.  And, perhaps, because you don’t feel like you deserve it because it’s never really been a stable element of your life.  It’s an absolute pain in the dick let me tell you.  And imagine not knowing whether your instinct or your gut is right or whether you’re just being crazy?  Because at least half the time you’ve not been crazy when you’ve had a bad feeling about things.  People say trust your gut and if I did that I’d never leave the fucking house.  So you can be close with people – just not too close – like a cat would be – so you can remain suitably detached at all times to most of the people that you know.

That’s not to say that I don’t have closeness in my life.  I do.  I most certainly do.  But that has come with time and the handful of people I’ve come to that point with that I know for many years.  Still, though I’ve kept the majority of things away from them and try to compartmentalise things.  And tried to not burden people with my stuff because once the floodgates open it could very well be too much for someone.  I learned to work things out in my head for the most part… well because I had to…  So, again, to reiterate if someone does open up to you be nice and try and don’t sweep it under the carpet.

Generally, I’m pretty good at getting up and continuing when things have to be done – but now and again I can’t move.  I literally can’t move.  I’m completely overwhelmed by normal tasks.  TO be fair I can only work super hard or not at all – there is no in between with me – and I need to work on that.  There have been times where I’ve stayed in on my own for three days without talking to a soul to the point that I actually started to love it and I could see how people became recluses.  I have to disconnect my feelings and approach everything rationally, but that puts me on the other side of the scale – which is completely numb.  I may even do that now for a few days because I can’t really face much – but I’m OK like – this too shall pass.

Here is some advice for some ‘normies’ to take on board that might help ya dealing with peeps that are dealing with similar stuff:

1:  Be an active listener when people tell you stuff.  Remember they are opening up to you.  It’s OK to say ‘I don’t know what to say’ and just listen.  It’s OK to say ‘thanks for telling me you feel this way’ or ‘I’m sorry.’  It’s good to ask questions.  Advice might not be the right thing – we might have obstacles in our heads that you.

2:  Figure out what makes people you care about panic and what anxiety looks like for them.  It’s not all panic attacks – it could be super quiet, it could be a nervous tic – whatever – check in with them.

3:  If you haven’t heard from them in a while text them or something to see how they are.  If they’re being mad reclusive try your best to get them out of their rut.  Actively approach them instead of saying merely ‘you know where I am.’

4:  Be as reassuring as you can to them.  The closer you to them – the more reassuring the reassurance is.  Tell them positive things about themselves, talk them through things and don’t laugh at their worries no matter how insignificant or wrong to you they seem.

5:  Be available to talk but also set boundaries.  If you can’t talk tell them when you can.

6:  Try and distract them if they’re getting wound up.

7:  If you’re super worried about them contact their family members (depending on their relationship with them).  Again if you’re super worried about them make sure they’re not on their own.

8:  If your friend is in an abusive relationship do not abandon the friendship because it is hard to watch.  Set boundaries and keep a line of communication open.  Even if it is emotional abuse.  Isolation can make people super suicidal in these situations.

9:  Watch out for sudden changes in mood – like extreme happiness or giving away lots of their stuff.

10:  If they like physical contact give them loads of hugs.

I mean there’s only so much you can do for people but letting them know that their feelings as well as them as a person are important to you can work wonders.  I’m serious.  As far as I’ve come I’m still a bit of a nervous paranoid wreck hiding under the guise of an independent booze loving lady.  I am a human contradiction!


Recent studies have shown that women in hetereosexual couples orgasm way less than the guys – as few as one for every three that their male partners have in fact.  This is complicated further by the fact that 86% of women in lesbian couples have orgasms most or all of the time (all sourced down the end of this article anyway).  I don’t know if that is surprising to anyone, particularly people with vaginas, but if it is, maybe we need to have a look at some of the sexual constructs that uphold this crap – because we all deserve orgasms, don’t we?

Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a big bash on men here – we know that women get stuff wrong too – but if porn has taught me anything – and well, real life too, women have been conditioned to be givers and our orgasm is secondary to that of the man’s pleasure.  It’s totally true.  I’ve had so many experiences over the course of my life that once the dude is done the sex ends there without even a question of how that worked out for ya.  I think women have been conditioned to just be passive about the whole thing and not ask for what they want.  I remember a guy saying to me ‘sure it’s normal women don’t cum every time, yeah?’ when I pointed out that I wanted more than one substandard ride a week that never worked out for me.  That didn’t last very long – I’ll tell you that – especially when the softest direction on how to improve my ‘time’ was met with hostility because of their fragile fucking ego.

Look, I get it – sex education is a load of arse – and focuses on the rudimentary functions – penis gets hard, goes in, cums, goes out.  So the emphasis is on the penis and the penis having a good time so it can yack in the lady parts to make a baby.  But what about the lady having fun?  Surely, it’s important for everyone to have fun or do people just want women to pretend they’re having fun (and believe me lots of women do this just to get it over with)?  Please don’t say ‘I’ve never had any complaints’ either because we (well not me) are as polite as fuck and know it’s a sensitive issue.

I will concede here that not all women can cum, but you can’t assume we won’t.  You know maybe ask us what you could do to help us along maybe.  It seems like communication about sex is just based on a lot of assumptions that no news is good news.  So guys keep thinking the riding is adequate, our enthusiasm wanes and nothing gets said.  There’s two peeps in it but you don’t want to make people feel shit and ruin any potential future boners either. Seriously, I know this is terrible to say but there have been several things that I kept going with dudes that I actually didn’t like and had nothing else going for them particularly just because they were so good at riding – so you know upping your game improves your situation vastly – although I’m a bit of a messed up person so that mightn’t be a great example.

OK so what I’ve done here is start a group chat where 8 of us tried to come up with a list of things that universally appealed to us and advice that we would give men.  You’d think some of these were obvious but apparently they’re not.  I shall also include anonymous quotes because I was in bits laughing.




1:  Be careful sucking that clit – it ain’t a straw – it’s a tiny bundle of nerve endings – and that can hurt.

2:  Please avoid mashing your nose into the pubic bone or that general area for the love of God.

3:  Do not expect loads of blowies if you’re not reciprocating.

Some are better with their mouth than their fingers and vice versa. But no way in well would I go down on a guy if he refused to go down on me. Tit for tat baby.


I think loads of men are actually kind of crap at going down – well actually, no I don’t – I think they are deliberately crap at it so they don’t get asked to do it again.

4:  Do not attempt entry if there is no wetness.  Sometimes that hurts, and even rip things.  Foreplay is very important and should not be stopped after you’ve banged a few times:

Like, some guys seem to think that when they get you off a few times they’ve got the cheat code, and will try to run through the same routine as quickly as possible until they can get their dick wet. Keep exploring, having playful fun, It’s not “kiss the neck, honk the boobs twice, slurp on the clit and horse it in.”

5: Do not assume because you’re done that this is done.  You have a face and hands yeah?

Also- if I don’t get off, I very much consider him to still be on the clock. WE aren’t done until we’re both done so if he comes and I’m still working on it, I expect assistance.

6: Do check and see if stuff is working out for us.  I know this sounds obvious but sometimes we’re being super polite.  I’m sure you’ll know if it’s working to an extent but at least saying something can open it up to us saying ‘actually left a bit’ or ‘down’ or ‘harder’.


7:  There is a fine line with sexy talk.  It can be great or cheese or too much depending on what you’re into.  We seemed to overall find that it didn’t work as well with one night stands.  Also, putting people on the spot with it is super off putting.

Sexy talk isn’t efficient for a one night thing, in my experience. It’s cool when you know someone and know what they’re into and vice versa but it’s too risky with a stranger. What if I say “talk to me” And then he calls me ma or something? Nope.


I like Sexy talk done well. I love hearing a guy tell me how hard I make make him and how he loves my pussy. I like him to tell me what feels good and I’ll do the same for him it’s the only way to build up to amazing sex


Once when I ended up trying it I’d overthought it waaaaay too much and I just ended up saying ‘OH YOU’RE A STAR’, which made me laugh so much my horn went away.

8:  Open up for communication a bit better and actually listen to us.  If we give you advice listen to it and take it on board because if we’re actually telling you to do something we mean it a lot stronger than it is coming across.  Don’t fucking freak out when we tell you what you’re doing isn’t working.

I told a dude that was fingering me that it was hurting me and tried to guide his hand to do things in a way I would actually enjoy.  He grabbed his hand back off me and shouted I KNOW WHAT IM DOING! and proceeded to tear the box off me and gave me a UTI.


Oh yeah, there was another dude who used to do this twisty thing when fingering and rub his knuckles really hard over sensitive bits. And he would get really sulky and moody if I told him to stop mangling my vag.

9:  If something isn’t working for the love of Jesus tell us.

I spent 45 minutes sucking a guy off before and it wasn’t going anywhere.  My jaw was fucking killing me but he didn’t lose his boner so I was confused.  I would’ve appreciated it if he actually had tried to stay in the moment as well as he was watching Countdown the entire time.  If it wasn’t working my jaws would’ve appreciated being told that it wasn’t working.  We’re eager to please like.


10: Consistency is super important.  There is nothing worse than a constant change of rhythm (I’m sure it’s the same for guys) and that can literally ruin orgasms.  I suggested the following technique (for anything involving rhythm – be it oral, penetrative, or hand stuff) to my buddies which was met with approval across the board:  find a thing she’s reacting to well, keep doing that exactly – do not change it at all, increase pressure and speed slightly until HEY PRESTO (orgasm!)

11: Do not ask her to act like she’s enjoying herself.  If she isn’t ask why not?  Unless you’re paying her, in which case, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

12: Stay in the moment.  It’s off putting getting a handjob from someone looking off into the distance.

13: If you want anal only lube will do and don’t expect anything without it.

And a curse forever on the creeper who once poured hair conditioner onto my dry asshole with no kind of consultation.

14: Please only slobber on our gees.  Nowhere else.

15: Just because you’ve a big dick it doesn’t mean you’ve an excuse to be lazy or that you are automatically a good ride.


16: Don’t assume you can just do what you want and we’ll be OK with it:

I had a dude slap me across the face when he came. It was weird. That was a one night thing.


I had one guy randomly grab my hair and yank it hard with no warning. .. that was painful and took me right out of it. I know some women like it.. but I feel that’s something that needs to be discussed. I’m no prude… I totally get the pain pleasure thing… but boundaries need to be be discussed first.


The guy who- when I moved, intending to switch positions (i said something like “wait let me just move over”), so I slid myself up the bed and he just pulled me back down to where I’d been before, by my hips. I had to proper yell at him before he’d listen.

17: Don’t openly compare us or even imply that you are to other people you’ve rode.  Especially when you don’t put in any effort.

There was this guy I used to ride and he’d talk about how all his exes were boring in bed.  I used to ride him.  The common denominator was him.  I mean he was literally one out of like three people in my life that I had fuck all chemistry with in bed, yet I still felt like I was being compared to the weird expectations of a super lazy dude and that in turn put me under pressure to try and compare and completely ruined any chance I had of an orgasm.


18:  Don’t assume you can just fuck someone’s face from the offset:

Yeah calm your tits there mick, I need my oesophagus.

19: Vibrating cock rings are awesome and mean that you don’t have to use your hands on the lady parts during riding.  Although we found that we’re all super different as regards where we orgasm from – be in clitoral, g-spot or cervix.


20: There seemed to be a bit shame from a few of us about our interests – which welcomely came up – and were extremely diverse – almost like we were real people.  One person admitted to trying things they were ashamed of to which was met by:

Dont be ashamed ever! Sure there’s some people that wanna get into nappies like.

A massive factor that also contributed to our enjoyment of sex was also tied in with how we felt about ourselves and our bodies.  We can be sensitive little creatures about these matters so we can – even if we like getting choked or squirting.

So can we all be humans about this?  I don’t think it’s difficult to give someone else and orgasm is it?  Do you not want to give other people pleasure and get repeat rides like?  We’re all self conscious.  We’re all assholes.  We should demand equality in all things.  Including orgasms.  Because although they’re not the be-all-and-end-all of sexy times they should be a prerequisite for everyone.  The more effort you put in the more we probably will.

View at Medium.com


View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com




I have started an introductory series on the basics of cryptocurrencies. Just follow the links below!


And here:


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And here:




Ah the ups and downs of life, wha?  One day you’ve talked yourself into thinking you’re doing OK and that you’re happy and doing stuff and then BOOM!  Before you know it your stomach is in perpetual knots, you’re sleeping in all your clothes and just waiting for the BIG BAD to happen.  Maybe you can’t breath any more.  Maybe you stare into space for ages completely zoning out.  Perhaps, you even start to get a bit cranky with people for being assholes but you didn’t notice so much when you weren’t like this.  Maybe, you’re even re-evaluating all the different components of your life and feeling like it’s a massive overwhelming shambles.

What caused this?  What triggered this whole thing?  Because wasn’t everything fine? Did somebody let you down?  Did something not go the way you expected and the rug was pulled out from under you?  Did you disappoint someone?  How the fuck did this flip?  You were only congratulating yourself the other week on all the progress you’ve made.  Fucking hell, dude.  Get a fucking grip.

Don’t worry!  This isn’t super cereal like.  This is just a blip.

So here are some lies I tell myself to keep myself going (and not fucking shut down, make rash decisions or decide to move across the fucking country) whilst I try to figure out what the fuck happened and why I’m not myself.

1:  I can do that later.  (I probably won’t)

2:  Just one more drink.  (Hahahahahaha)

3:  I don’t think I’ve pissed them off.

4:  That washing can wait.  (I’ve already run out of knickers).

5:  I am happy about xxx.  (When I don’t actually know how I feel).

6:  I can think about it for a while before I make a decision.  (I usually can’t)

7:  This won’t hurt.

8:  It’s OK to not know what’s going to happen. (Some stability is always nice though, but I hate not knowing where I am with things)

9:  I don’t need people.

10: I am a grown-up. (Do I need a carer though?)

11: I am a badass. (Well… I project that)

12: I can do this. (Possibly)

13: I am not hard on myself.

14: I don’t need a shower today. (Oh man, what a lie)

15: Slimfast milkshakes/crackers are proper meals.

16: Pints count as at least one of your five a day.

17: People are OK.

18: I am not confused

19: I am good at things.

20: I don’t need sleep.

21: I am sure of myself.  ( This is very rarely true unless I’m debating something)

22: I am not hard work.

23: I will answer that private number.

24: Breathing is easy.

25: Nobody is taking the piss out of you.


Repeat each 12 times per day until eventually you start to believe them without becoming self aware enough to sort out your boxes and figure out exactly where that fucking starting point is 🙂

Lather, rinse, repeat.




But a bitch ain’t one.

In fact, here are my problems, in no particular order.

1. The lyrics of Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me.

2. The Curiosity Rover singing to itself and being left there. 😢

3. Michael McIntyre

4. Getting enough fiber.

5. The part in Terminator 2 where yer man licks Sarah Connor’s face.

6. The Cork accent.

7. Feeling attractive.

8. U2

9. Not having enough money to do the things I want.

10. Washing spoons in the sink without water splashing my face.

11. The fact my child needs me less and less.

12. Saying ‘no’ to pints.

13. Routine.

14. The housing crisis

15. The amount of effort required to look somewhat human in the morning

16. How shopping trolleys end up in canals.

17. Not seeing the neighbourhood cat for nearly a week at this point.

18. Hornitus

19. The end of Rocky.

20. The noises the majority of women make in porn.

21. Anybody body shaming anyone.

22. People touching, or worse yet holding, their balls in public.

23. Men being thick fuckers.

24. The phrase ‘political correctness gone mad.’

25. Toenail related things.

26. Netflix recommendations

27. Being spoken to in the morning…

28. …let alone ask ‘what do you want to eat later?’, first thing.

29. Strangers interrupting private conversations.

30. People in public playing the sound of videos on their phones.

31. Red pen.

32. How the bees are dying.

33. The way when your bum get itchy it’s always directly right in your bum hole.

34. Overthinking

35. Existential dread

36. Blocking toilets

37. Forceful recommendations

38. Being patronized

39. Women being bitches to each other to win male approval.

40. The Chuckle Brothers

41. Winking.

42. Not being capable of being vegetarian

43. Politicians’ wages

44. Sleep apnea

45. Waiting for couriers

46. The phrase ‘communism only works in theory..’

47. The way in The Human Centipede the Dr got them up a fucking staircase.

48. Banks

49. More than six months in the future.

50. Google maps.

51. People joking about threesomes when they find out I’m bisexual.

52. Men saying they prefer women having a ‘natural look’ but having no clue about make up.

53. Saxophones

54. Sleep deprivation

55. Inability to focus on things that don’t interest me.

56. Whether cats have fucking elbows.

57. The term ‘bitches be crazy’.

58. Having sex in the shower.

59. People getting on the bus before people get off.

60. When people get to the top of a queue and aren’t ready to order or pay.

61. Being an employee.

62. Jack Black.

63. My womb

64. People saying you’re ‘offended’ but you just called them out and think they’re a dickhead.

65. On the rare instance that I’m in a church… stopping myself from saying prayers in a vampire voice

66. Public transport without headphones

67. Inspirational quotes on Facebook.

68. Minions

69. The idea of getting figs into fig rolls.

70. Non-magical mushrooms

71. Non discreet perving

72. Not having enough ‘alone time’

73. Wiping my bum with gel nail extensions on.

74. Voicemails.

75. Holding in yawns when people talk.

76. Birds.

77. Saying ‘thank you’ to ATMs.

78. That Jim Henson is dead.

79. Jordan Peterson

80. Eating 5 a day.

81. Writer’s block.

82. Phone calls.

83. Changing duvet covers.

84. Mambo no 5

85. People traveling to poor countries to ‘find themselves’

86. Ska punk

87. ‘Air quotes’

88. Stopping biting babies.

89. The phrase ‘I don’t care’.

90. Unsolicited advice.

91. Estate agents and property management companies.

92. People showing off their money.

93. Doorbells.

94. One word messages.

95. Meanies

96. The fear the day after karaoke.

97. People saying ‘cripps’ instead of ‘crisps’

98. The word ‘moist’

99. Boob sweat.



I got all deep the other day when I considered my 37 years on the planet and decided to answer some of the AMA questions that I had received over the last few months.  It’s not that thought provoking and totally self-indulgent but sure, it’s keeping me writing wha?

What’s the difference between beauty and hotness? 

My perception of it is a level of depth. Beautiful I think encompasses the whole person outside of the physical and hotness is just the superficial elements of things (not just physical but attractive), whereas beauty is deeper than that. Hotness is more related to lust I think and beauty is more love oriented.

Which is more difficult to accept: Genuine compliments or genuine criticism?

Genuine compliments by far. Doesn’t mean I don’t want them though.

How do prefer to be loved in terms of the various spheres e.g. emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually etc.?

Emotionally – supported in the rare instances I ask for help, actively listened to and not dismissed. Openness and building up trust. I don’t need loads of attention but I do need some quality attention where there is a complete focus on each other.

Psychologically – I think I need to be challenged somewhat to not become bored. I love a healthy debate. I like being pushed and motivated a bit. Not in a negative way though. That makes me do the opposite.

Physically – I need lots of cuddles and the more sex the better. Cuddles are more important though.

Do you believe you could become consciously aware of just how much you are loved by people around you? 

I don’t believe I have a massive impact on anybody’s life to be honest. I am mildly amusing. I have good friends and I’m happy enough.

Is who you are becoming better than who you intended to be?

It’s always a case of two steps forward, one step back in many aspects of my life. Motivation is a massive problem for me and although I try very hard I’m always tired. I think I’ve become a better person overall, having created boundaries, learning not to constantly ride rings around myself and to cut the shit out of my life, whilst attempting to be kind and stop people being arseholes to each other.

If you could sent a text to your 20 year old self, what would be 3 pieces of advice you would give her?

*look after yourself before attempting to care for others
*you’re not going to ever please certain people

Would you consider yourself a Dom or sub or a switch?

Every relationship is different so I’m going to say switch as it depends on the dynamics of the individual relationship.

My partner keeps buttering the wrong side of a cream cracker. At first I thought it was ignorance, but now I think its to spite me. Be Honest. Should I leave him?

Clearly. This is a definite act of defiance.

What are your top pet peeves?

Men dismissing women with legitimate arguments as ‘women are crazy’ when men’s bad behavior is simply ignored.

Double standards and gaslighting… wowowow!
People pressing buttons on lifts and crossing lights repeatedly.

People visibly letching on people.

People telling me that being bisexual isn’t an actual thing.

Leaving my house without headphones.

People not waiting for people to get off the bus before getting on.
Why did you shit on the grass?

I have never done this but if I did I’d say it was because I could drag my ass along it like a dog afterward.

What are your views on marriage?

It’s grand for other people I suppose. I don’t like thinking about anything more than 6 months in the future so eh… yeah.

What is a typical day like for you?

Working from home it involves sitting in bed and throwing things into the bin across the room, going for a walk, coming back and reading psychology articles, getting overwhelmed by the list of things I have to do, getting distracted and ending up wanking several times, having a panic attack, realizing I haven’t eaten, reading a book, writing for several hours, making lists that I will never follow, rationalizing not going to the launderette before watching things for several hours, picking a song I like and looking up the lyrics and attempting to learn the words, paint my nails, message several people (or vice versa) and getting a maximum of 5 hours sleep.

What famous person do you find the most attractive and why? 

Aesop Rock because he is a full assed package of perfect – artistic, clever, feminist seeming lyrics without being overtly so, articulate as fuck, hardworking, hilarious, good mental health lyrics, super relatable lyrics, lovely hands and face and a bit odd.

What is the best way to get over an ex?

By getting under someone within 24 hours.

What is the best revenge you’ve got on anyone?

Wrote their phone number in toilets saying they sold excellent cocaine.
Changed someone’s message minder to say ‘I’m a Cunt’
Pissed over and in many of their things.
Got into their Facebook and wrote mad statuses.
Stole every lighter from their house.

What tips do you have for parenting?

You’re going to feel guilty no matter what you do so look after you anyway.
Make sure your child feels listened to.
It’s ok to think they’re an asshole sometimes.
Be super affectionate with your child.
Don’t pander to them too much.

How has mental illness impacted on your life? What stigma do think still exists?

People think people are still putting it on or are lazy. And people don’t want to learn about things. Some people are super dismissive of it.

I can tell you now some days I can’t leave the gaff cos I’m exhausted. I don’t trust people. I won’t let people help me generally cos I feel they’ll use it against me or that they’ll let me down. I have issues becoming attached to people (dismissive-avoidant) and if I’m upset I have some extreme coping mechanisms. However, I am self-aware enough and generally have them under control. I think it’s easier for people a lot of the time to be dismissive than bothering to consider the fact that certain things that they take fro granted are difficult for others.

How are you so confident?

I know the state of me, right?!

I’m not. I’m realistic. I’m not insecure even though I know I’m not hot but I’m clever and funny and a decent human. And I’m lucky enough that most of the time when I like another human they like me back too so I’ve not experienced a massive amount of rejection.

What are you trying to change about yourself?

I don’t like being chubby so there’s that. But I also love pints so…

What have been the best compliments that you’ve got?

That I was brave. Or someone said they were proud of me. Or that I included everyone and never let people feel left out.

The weirdest one was during sex that a dude said ‘you’re so muscley’ about my bits. I mean I laughed but the vagina exercises have definitely worked 😂

Favourite smells

Cut grass
Sweat from someone I’m attracted to
Karma from Lush

Name some stuff you’re grateful for

My kid

My peeps

Having somewhere to live (it might be small and expensive but I’ve made it my own)

My glorious glorious hair

The ability to see the bigger picture



1: Not every woman cares about muscles or money.

2: Revealing clothes are not an invitation.

3: Pineapple does not belong on a pizza.

4: Good riding can keep a shit relationship going.

5: Most people are dickheads.

6: The most basic opinions are black and white (in most cases) and the lack of nuance shows a lack of intellect.

7: Most men are selfish.

8: The smell of want is deeply unattractive.

9: Karma is a crap made up concept to make people feel better. The universe does not restore itself.

10: Meanies and mushrooms are the devil.

11: You should work kids around your life, not the other way around.

12: Its been scientifically proven that women actually talk less than men.

13: Groups of people are dopes.

14: Having dogs is not a personality.

15: You don’t have to feel guilty for having an abortion.

16: Active listening is a dying skill.

17: There is no such thing as toxic femininity – ask me why.

18: A girls best friend will more than likely know the intimate details of her sex life.

19: Marriage is a terrifying concept.

20: It is completely possible to get what you want without asking for it.

21: You can’t be racist towards white people or sexist towards men. Ask me why.

22: It is ok to say your kid is an asshole.

23: The future is scary.

24: Body language rarely lies.

25: You aren’t entitled to anything beyond basics.

26: Moaning and not changing your situation is your own fault..

27: Desperation leads to bad decision making.




People are jerks and I’m a defensive bastard but with good reason.  I wish I’d know sooner that I was a naive dope though.  You know when you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach and you can’t tell if you’re crazy or whether you should go with it or not?  Imagine wasting years with people that were actually just psychologically fucking with you?

I suppose you should look internally here as well… I guess… Like are you blinded to these red flags or are you trying to rehash old wounds from your childhood?  Because it’s madness to think that you can keep doing the same things over and over and for different results to emerge without any change on your part.  Here was me thinking I was relatively strong-willed and capable on my own and then WHOOSH I was a fucking BASKETCASE!  I mean I’m not an expert but I’ve a fair bit of experience with this crap (well two terrible relationships about 18 years apart) and I’ve read up a lot on stuff, and some of the signs that you are wasting your time and are going to be financially, emotionally and mentally worse off for having either a friendship or relationship with people who do these things are there from the start and actually become more obvious as you become more involved and oblivious.

Now, I’m not saying that all of these can’t happen with nice or healthy people, or that people that exhibit a few of the non-malignant behaviours here are dangerous, BUT if a load of these appear stay the fuck away!  I’ve been out of anything like this for a while now SO here are some of the tactics that master manipulators and head fuckers use.


1: All their friends are trash.  Their friends are a reflection to an extent of their own belief system – why would you hang out with a load of dopes?  The behaviour of their friends will mirror their own behaviour to an extent.  Also, if they have no strong long term connections with anyone this is a massive red flag (unless they’ve just moved or something).  Or if the majority of their friends seem kinda vulnerable and think that their friend is invincible.

2:  You have found yourself explaining basic human decency to them at some point.  I remember a guy I knew robbing hash that belonged to people we knew and proudly showing it me.  When I told him that wasn’t cool he got angry with me.  Because obviously robbing our ‘friends’ was grand.  Also, this extends to how you shouldn’t have to ask to be treated better.  This is basic fucking cop on but rules don’t apply to headfuckers.

3:  Triangulation is a massive headfuck tactic that instantly rubs me up the wrong way.  This happens when a third person is introduced as an external entity in the relationship.  It could be an ex, a ‘friend’ or a family member.  The headfucker routinely brings them up as a person that doesn’t like you, wants to ride them or in the case of a family member ‘someone who doesn’t approve’.  This creation of drama makes the headfucker feel important and is an attempt to make you feel insecure when really they are projecting their own crap onto you.

4:  They are extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism – no matter how constructive it is or beneficial it would be to the relationship.  This can lead to gaslighting where the headfucker tries to make you think that you are wrong and your memories of definite situations are wrong.  This can actually make you feel crazy after a while and if enough of this happens over a long period of time you can experience PTSD related symptoms even after the relationship is finished.  Try your best to trust your gut about things.

5:  All their ex-partners are crazy or were mean to them.  All of them.  And they were a saint and a victim.  Pull the other one you sad excuse for a human.  We all have some assholes in our past but c’mon – the common denominator here is you like.

6:  Sometimes, out of nowhere, they will let their mask slip down and let you in on something that is actually truly either insane or spiteful that seems to counter everything that they aimed to project to you regarding their personality previously.  For example, someone told me that they found their mother’s vibrator and used it on their girlfriend and was surprised that I thought that that was gross.  Another person told me that they rode someone else’s girlfriend out of spite to prove a point about some stupid dick related thing and then pretended that they never said it to me. Or the real reasons that you and your last ex broke up.  I heard you, I never forget and that spoke volumes about you.


7:  There are a few ways that these assholes can shut conversations down because they simply just don’t want to have them.  One, which I find super frustrating, and have chosen not to engage in ever again, is deflection through ‘word salad’.  It is an attempt to confuse you and push the conversation away in the most annoyingly vapid non-sensical way.  For example, you would ask a simple question and they would reply with a completely unrelated question.  This backward and forwards will result in absolute nonsense with either the hope that you will leave your perfectly logical conversation, shift blame onto you or make you laugh.  It’s part of the whole deflection game and ends up making you want to scream. It’s like they are deliberately trying to misunderstand you.  Minimising and mocking in the same way too where your genuine concerns, which may seem irrational now but given the headfuckery at hand aren’t actually, are diminished and ridiculed.  Be prepared to hear phrases like ‘you’re crazy’ ‘you’re just so jealous and insecure’ and ‘if anything I should be more worried about x’ instead of the normal kind response of talking things through and trying to make them better.

8:  Promoting insecurity.  This can take the form of subtle or outright negging (backhanded compliments that include an insult), alluding to negatively to someone’s physical appearance (you never fucking do this ever), comparing you to other people, putting down your accomplishments and just generally being an overly critical asshole.  Validation junkies like myself want positive messages from close people and these bastards can smell it a mile off, dangling it like a carrot in front of your face, making you work harder while they put no fucking effort whatsoever into anything other than trying to make you feel like shit.

9:  In the early stages they are overly flattering.  Like overly flattering.  Like the proper kind of flattering that you specifically love.  Like how did they work out what compliments you actually like?!

10:  Alluding to things like babies and marriage as some kind of potential future reward.  JOKES ON YOU YOU FUCKING SAP!  I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

11:  When you watch them in social situations they have a hard time empathising (or get annoyed with strong outbursts of emotion).  This might be an indication of a few other things that aren’t actually malignant but as part of a bigger puzzle piece, they make sense.  For example, they might also constantly respond with generic responses or laugh and sometimes it is clearly inappropriate because either they weren’t listening or don’t actually care.

12:  They don’t listen.  Like ever or they keep doing things that you don’t like repeatedly that either physically hurt you or your feelings.



13:  They deliberately try to isolate you from other friends and family.  This is fucking serious.  This will escalate to more serious fuckery.  They’ll slag your friends off and give out why you spend so much time with them instead of at home.  They want you all to yourself and to be honest it’s only a matter of time before they start beating the shit out of you.  It’ll be subtle at first and then suddenly you’re trapped and all alone with no support network completely disassociating from whatever traumatic events have taken place and you have no idea what normal is anymore.

14:  They keep moving the goalposts of expected behaviour and what constitutes success or being a good human despite the fact that they are pretty hypocritical.

15:  They are super nice to you in public and show off about all the nice things ‘that they do for you’.  Way nicer than they are in private.  Or they may provoke you into an emotional response in public at an event in order to paint themselves the victim again.  For example, I had a boyfriend who spent an entire day at a wedding slagging me off in a pretty cruel way when nobody was looking (he was super drunk telling me I was ugly and fat and that he was trapped and so unhappy with me), his mother basically told me to leave him when he went for a smoke and when I left the wedding venue (it was not in Dublin) and went home without telling anyone the headfucker used the entire experience to paint himself as the victim and me as an abusive cunt – a smear campaign had already begun secretly behind my back anyway.  By that stage, I was just so tired that I didn’t even respond to his texts about how some hot chick was cracking on to him.  I just didn’t care anymore.

16:  Inability to have a conversation that they are not directing.  They don’t let others talk or talk over them or continue pushing a conversation that nobody is interested in having.  Read the room dude – I know this might make you stupid and we all get it wrong sometimes – but consistently this would be a problem for me to deal with and I think indicative of a bigger set of hidden problems.

17:  No follow through on promises.  The promises are just words.  Show me you mean them.  You get three fucking chances max now.  I don’t want to be let down or left dangling.  Actions speak louder than words by far here fucker.

18:  They have kids that they don’t see or support.  Or they have older kids that don’t talk to them.  I don’t give a fuck what the reasoning for this is it’s a massive nope factor.

19:  They rarely apologise and accept blame.  Instead, they project and try to fob it off on you or someone else.  Or if they apologise they say the very toxic sentence of ‘I’m sorry IF I OFFENDED YOU’ or something similar without owning the specific behaviour.


20:  Brags that ‘X’ wants to sleep with them.  Why do you need to say that?  I know it’s mentioned above but it’s incredibly weird.  We all have people that would ride us.  AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL PRIVILEGED NOW?!!! (say it in a derp voice)

21:  How they treat other people they are apparently close with is indicative of how they will treat you.  If they speak badly of their ‘friends’, steal from them or do other nasty things to them, they will to you too.

22:  When something positive happens to you they piss all over it.  I remember getting the funding for my previous book and the headfucker said ‘now all you have to do is write it’ without asking if I’d written any.  I’d had 95% of it done then, said so and he was sickened.  He had to be virtually forced to go to my book launch and never once said ‘well done’ or anything.  When he initially got around to reading it he never said one positive thing – just pointed out spelling mistakes.  I think I kinda need a bit of cheerleading.

23: Disappears out of touch for ages.  Like literally days and then calls you ‘needy’ when you ask where they were.  IF ANYONE EVER CALLS YOU NEEDY TELL THEM TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR HOLE!

24:  Their friends and family have no interest in getting to know you beyond a superficial level.


25:  If they cheat on you, you find out – they don’t tell you.  And it’s never ever their fault. Cos sometimes shit happens and you can just get over it if they have the balls to say it to you.

26:  They were with someone when you started seeing them.

27:  You feel drained around them and you doubt yourself a lot.

28:  You are scared to bring up issues that bother you because you feel they will ‘flip the table and end the relationship’.

29:  They don’t respect your boundaries and privacy (and they are mad secretive).  They keep pushing it.  They actually seem to enjoy pushing your button and seeing how much they can get away with.

30:  You were better than everyone in their life. Now you aren’t and you’re being compared with your eventual replacement.


31:  They act like an expert on things without knowing all the facts – like if they are a man they make statements like ‘all women need to be emotionally attached to have sex’ (LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH) or ‘all women are interested in is money’, when we know they love large penises and lots of foreplay too.

32:  They answer for other people or you AND their answers are often wrong.

33:  Every now and then they do something nice, but it is preformative and possibly public, but expect praise.  Even if you’ve done the exact thing 20 times before.

34:  They slag you off for things they initially praised you for.

35:  They are childish and for the most part lack any real responsibility in their lives.  (MAN BABY)

36:  They don’t use your name.  They call you ‘babe’ or a generic name. Cos they have lots of girls and don’t want to mix names up.

37:  They have some major addictions that dominate their schedule.  Be it porn, riding, gambling, boozing or drugs – if you can’t give or take it – it’s potentially a big problem.  These clearly aren’t always obvious from the onset – particularly the porn one – but if a thing is more important than a person – that’s a paddlin’.

38:  One of their parents was a perpetual cheater.  Now I know monogamy isn’t for everyone and that’s cool but nobody should pawn off their insecurities, do what they want and keep you in the dark.  I think it’s the lying part of cheating that is the worst and if one parent did it a shitload it is quite likely that that behaviour will be carried with them.

39:  They won’t communicate clearly with you.  Everything is met with resistance.


40:  People notice you are wrecked all the time and some of your friends fuck off permanently.

41:  They expect you to pay for things for them without asking.

42:  Your friends don’t like them.

43:  They have no hobbies or interests.  You can’t be their lifeline when they are lost.  That’s too much.

44:  The whole situation is intense very quickly.

45:  They communicate with you constantly by text or call or any other type of controlling behaviour.


Just to clarify this is applicable to both men and women!  I didn’t look at that site above so I don’t know if it’s good or not but the meme rings true with me.

46:  They are visibly jealous of you being happy or any accomplishments.

47:  A lot of the time when they talk it could be accompanied by a tiny violin.

48:  They patronise you.

49:  They wear pointy shoes.

50:  They don’t like music.

Get out while you can!







We all know that our looks are where most of our worth comes from right? And maybe recently you’ve just come to the conclusion that you mightn’t be even average looking because somebody told you that you were an ugly bitch. Look, it’s not your fault OK? You were born with deficient genes and that whole myth of ‘marry a rich man’ that your mother sold you instead of cultivating a rich sense of independence and pride in your own interests and work ethic is kinda fucked now isn’t it? If you had just realised that you were ugly sooner. Goddammit.

Here are some tips to better your situation because if you want to bag a man you’re going to have to put in waaaay more effort than an ugly man was. TO achieve your destiny of being looked after by mediocre man, bound in contract by marriage, you really need to be good looking BUT there are a few things that you can do to improve your situation so you don’t need to start your collection of spinster cats just yet. We all know there is no way you can be happy on your own, so the first element in order to salvage anything is to just accept the cold hard reality – you are an ugly bitch.

So what do you do, eh? Well here’s what I’ve done. Hopefully it works for you, but my results aren’t in yet. Maybe it took me too long to realise that I was bet with the ugly stick because I was distracted with child rearing and college, but there is hope for you and hopefully we won’t all rot on the shelves, bemoaning a lack of average dick in our lives.

1: Buy women’s magazines constantly. There’s nothing like a load of people tearing women down for their body changes or dress choices to make you feel even slightly better about yourself. Also, it can have the flipside effect of upsetting you more, because despite their body changes, especially after having a baby, they still look better than you and this will motivate you to improve that sack of shit of a body of yours.

2: You can trick men online and lure them in by using filters on your social media selfies. Want giant eyes or dog ears? Those gullible guys will be believing it no bother. Show a bit of tit to get a bit of sausage in your inbox and requests to show ‘bobs and vagine’ from enthusiastic foreign men.

3: Use copious amounts of concealer. Concealer is amazing. It covers blemishes, redness, your puffy eyes from crying all night because you’re lonely… When used correctly it even covers all definable features. That’s right – cover up every inch of your ugly face with concealer so that you are indistinguishable from your former self. It’s better to be a blank expressionless slate than have a horrible face – which you do.

4: As part of accepting that you are worthless and ugly, ensure that you take all criticisms on board. Random men will tell you how you’re ugly so just politely listen to their suggestions, no matter how hypocritical it may appear or how you didn’t ask in the first place. They are doing you a favour. Do not and I repeat, do not, get angry with them as there is absolutely nothing more unattractive than an angry ugly woman – who is probably some kind of feminazi or something. You’ll never get a dicking acting like that.

5: If all your clothing is as bad as your face and body you should set it on fire and just wear bin bags.

6: Work on your personality – now, I know you didn’t want it to come to this but you really should consider it. No longer will you be an empty receptacle waiting for men to come and fill you with their thoughts, ideas and ejaculate. Now, I’m not saying be clever – because if The Big Bang Theory has taught me anything – it’s that the more intelligent a woman is the less physically attractive she is but also men are intimidated by those rare few women that have bigger brains than them. Instead, try (and the emphasis is on ‘try’ here as science has shown that women aren’t as funny as men) to be funny. Use this as a last resort, obviously, but there are quite a few relatively funny unattractive women who have used this to their advantage.

7: Accept that you are chubby because you are lazy and eat too much. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with having had a kid, loose skin, PCOS or that drinking problem that started because you had a bit of a mental breakdown. Nope, it’s cos you eat like a bastard. Anyone calling you obese knows that. Remember even if you did love yourself and your body, in all your chubby glory it’s wrong because you’re clearly actively promoting an unhealthy lifestyle choice.

8: Women aren’t meant to be hairy either FFS. Despite the fact that hair grows pretty much in all the same places as men have hair it’s gross for us to have it. It has nothing to do with an attempt during World War II to generate more income for razors by opening up a new market towards women. Nada. Your natural body hair is gross and you should be ashamed. Seriously remove it or do you want to start collecting spinster kitties now?

9: I think your standards as an ugly lady may have been too high? I mean have you been single long like? What about that guy that’s been messaging you every day for the last year sending dick pics? He seems OK when you put it in perspective right? Why don’t you give him a chance before you dry up? Lower those standards – even if you have nothing in common with those unattractive guys, cos let’s face it you’ve a face like an 80-year-old ballsack.

10: If you have big tits get them out as much as you can, in a good bra to take the focus away from that trainwreck of a face. This can even distract from your fatness too.

11: If all else fails send nudes. Nobody looks at the mantelpiece when they’re poking the fire. Just make sure your ugly mantelpiece isn’t in it and that the fire is at a flattering angle.


Good luck you ugly bastards.



Sure ya can’t even look at women now, can ya? All this #metoo stuff has gone too far and sure now ya can’t even approach a woman. Well I’m here to offer some helpful advice – advice that I feel I can freely offer as a woman and a woman who likes men and women. So get out your notebook and in no time at all you’ll have women frothing at the gash for ya.

Tell them you’re an alpha male

It’s really hard to tell if someone is an alpha male. Biologically women are drawn towards an alpha male. We spot them through status symbols such as fancy watches and clothes and also by the less subtle ‘I’m an alpha male’ dropped into conversation. Seriously, if you have nothing else going for you apart from money you’ll be grand but we won’t always know unless you boast. You are a predator. An apex predator made to dominate.


Offer them opportunities to better themselves by negging.

Not only does the backhanded compliment show that you’re paying attention and hoping for them to improve themselves, it misdirects women away from your own insecurities. Got a micro penis? Have less of a personality than a sack of spuds? It’s OK if you tell her she’d be good looking if she lost some weight. She’s lucky you chose to talk to her. Seriously, she’ll appreciate it.

Talk about how much you enjoy giving pleasure to a woman.

You’d think this is the baseline for a good sexual experience but it isn’t. Tell her about how important it is to you even if you haven’t a fucking clue what to do to a woman once you get one. You are a fucking unicorn.

If they talk to you they like you.

If a woman talks to you for more than 5 minutes she is more than likely into you. Fact.

Wear them down.

When they should disinterest they are just playing hard to get. Women generally don’t know what they want till you show them. How many romantic comedies have revolved around men showing how much they care by continuously trying to win them over. Fight for them. And keep fighting them till they get tired enough to give up. Sometimes they need to just lower their standards and not be so stuck up, am I right?

Explain how women are to them.

You can explain how women are objectively to them and women will take that on board completely. So what if you only know your mother and your cousin? Objectivity is the key.

Tell them how they’re not like other girls.

Women are shit to each other and men. Putting other women down makes the woman you’re talking to feel great. Of course, they want to be seen as different to ALL other women. They are special. And therefore of more value to men.

Nothing gets me wetter than someone talking about how great Jordan Peterson is to me.

I love him. Bring up all his conservative pseudo-science to really hammer home how men should be in charge. I mean his is a science guy, isn’t he?

Ask them a question and then talk over them anyway.

Sure you know what they are going to answer anyway.

Don’t hide your wedding ring.

Women love honest men.

If they have their boobs, legs or whatever on display – they are totally up for it.

This is a good way to select a lady.

If they smile at you, you are in there.

Even if you’ve kinda cornered them and they can’t escape and are trying to be polite.

Compliment their tits.

They love that. They’re usually super unaware of how big or firm they are.

Women need men’s guidance.

Have they a PhD in something? You probably still know more. You should tell them everything you know. That’ll impress them.

Be loud and show off.

It shows your youthful side. Women love big children.

If things aren’t going your way start a fight with one of your friends to prove how masculine you are. Women love the smell of misplaced testosterone.

Bring a guitar to a party and play songs like Wonderwall so loud that everyone has to look at you.

Talk about travelling and how it changed you.

They’re not drinking?

How are they going to loosen up for you to get in? Keep at them till they drink. Put extra smoke in their joints until they can’t see properly.

Ask them to show you where the toilets are.

Then jump them. Girls love the element of surprise.

The classic never failing mating call of the female is dancing.

This is pretty much an invitation to rub your willy off them. Do it.

Demonstrate your value by bringing your sad ex out with you who still has feelings for you. Everyone will notice her sad face when you talk to other attractive women, making you look cool, and if the worst happens, you can ride her later and then ‘regret’ it the following day.

Women aren’t funny but laugh almost hysterically at their jokes.

Hit them in the feelz about a broken heart.

If all else fails try and get a sympathy shag by talking about how your life has been horrible.

Slag beta males off in front of females.

This will impress them no end, even if they are their friends. Even if they are mid conversation. You are an alpha. You are entitled to their attention and company!

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