Recent studies have shown that women in hetereosexual couples orgasm way less than the guys – as few as one for every three that their male partners have in fact. This is complicated further by the fact that 86% of women in lesbian couples have orgasms most or all of the time (all sourced down the end of this article anyway). I don’t know if that is surprising to anyone, particularly people with vaginas, but if it is, maybe we need to have a look at some of the sexual constructs that uphold this crap – because we all deserve orgasms, don’t we?
Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a big bash on men here – we know that women get stuff wrong too – but if porn has taught me anything – and well, real life too, women have been conditioned to be givers and our orgasm is secondary to that of the man’s pleasure. It’s totally true. I’ve had so many experiences over the course of my life that once the dude is done the sex ends there without even a question of how that worked out for ya. I think women have been conditioned to just be passive about the whole thing and not ask for what they want. I remember a guy saying to me ‘sure it’s normal women don’t cum every time, yeah?’ when I pointed out that I wanted more than one substandard ride a week that never worked out for me. That didn’t last very long – I’ll tell you that – especially when the softest direction on how to improve my ‘time’ was met with hostility because of their fragile fucking ego.
Look, I get it – sex education is a load of arse – and focuses on the rudimentary functions – penis gets hard, goes in, cums, goes out. So the emphasis is on the penis and the penis having a good time so it can yack in the lady parts to make a baby. But what about the lady having fun? Surely, it’s important for everyone to have fun or do people just want women to pretend they’re having fun (and believe me lots of women do this just to get it over with)? Please don’t say ‘I’ve never had any complaints’ either because we (well not me) are as polite as fuck and know it’s a sensitive issue.
I will concede here that not all women can cum, but you can’t assume we won’t. You know maybe ask us what you could do to help us along maybe. It seems like communication about sex is just based on a lot of assumptions that no news is good news. So guys keep thinking the riding is adequate, our enthusiasm wanes and nothing gets said. There’s two peeps in it but you don’t want to make people feel shit and ruin any potential future boners either. Seriously, I know this is terrible to say but there have been several things that I kept going with dudes that I actually didn’t like and had nothing else going for them particularly just because they were so good at riding – so you know upping your game improves your situation vastly – although I’m a bit of a messed up person so that mightn’t be a great example.
OK so what I’ve done here is start a group chat where 8 of us tried to come up with a list of things that universally appealed to us and advice that we would give men. You’d think some of these were obvious but apparently they’re not. I shall also include anonymous quotes because I was in bits laughing.
1: Be careful sucking that clit – it ain’t a straw – it’s a tiny bundle of nerve endings – and that can hurt.
2: Please avoid mashing your nose into the pubic bone or that general area for the love of God.
3: Do not expect loads of blowies if you’re not reciprocating.
Some are better with their mouth than their fingers and vice versa. But no way in well would I go down on a guy if he refused to go down on me. Tit for tat baby.
and
I think loads of men are actually kind of crap at going down – well actually, no I don’t – I think they are deliberately crap at it so they don’t get asked to do it again.
4: Do not attempt entry if there is no wetness. Sometimes that hurts, and even rip things. Foreplay is very important and should not be stopped after you’ve banged a few times:
Like, some guys seem to think that when they get you off a few times they’ve got the cheat code, and will try to run through the same routine as quickly as possible until they can get their dick wet. Keep exploring, having playful fun, It’s not “kiss the neck, honk the boobs twice, slurp on the clit and horse it in.”
5: Do not assume because you’re done that this is done. You have a face and hands yeah?
Also- if I don’t get off, I very much consider him to still be on the clock. WE aren’t done until we’re both done so if he comes and I’m still working on it, I expect assistance.
6: Do check and see if stuff is working out for us. I know this sounds obvious but sometimes we’re being super polite. I’m sure you’ll know if it’s working to an extent but at least saying something can open it up to us saying ‘actually left a bit’ or ‘down’ or ‘harder’.
7: There is a fine line with sexy talk. It can be great or cheese or too much depending on what you’re into. We seemed to overall find that it didn’t work as well with one night stands. Also, putting people on the spot with it is super off putting.
Sexy talk isn’t efficient for a one night thing, in my experience. It’s cool when you know someone and know what they’re into and vice versa but it’s too risky with a stranger. What if I say “talk to me” And then he calls me ma or something? Nope.
and
I like Sexy talk done well. I love hearing a guy tell me how hard I make make him and how he loves my pussy. I like him to tell me what feels good and I’ll do the same for him it’s the only way to build up to amazing sex
and
Once when I ended up trying it I’d overthought it waaaaay too much and I just ended up saying ‘OH YOU’RE A STAR’, which made me laugh so much my horn went away.
8: Open up for communication a bit better and actually listen to us. If we give you advice listen to it and take it on board because if we’re actually telling you to do something we mean it a lot stronger than it is coming across. Don’t fucking freak out when we tell you what you’re doing isn’t working.
I told a dude that was fingering me that it was hurting me and tried to guide his hand to do things in a way I would actually enjoy. He grabbed his hand back off me and shouted I KNOW WHAT IM DOING! and proceeded to tear the box off me and gave me a UTI.
and
Oh yeah, there was another dude who used to do this twisty thing when fingering and rub his knuckles really hard over sensitive bits. And he would get really sulky and moody if I told him to stop mangling my vag.
9: If something isn’t working for the love of Jesus tell us.
I spent 45 minutes sucking a guy off before and it wasn’t going anywhere. My jaw was fucking killing me but he didn’t lose his boner so I was confused. I would’ve appreciated it if he actually had tried to stay in the moment as well as he was watching Countdown the entire time. If it wasn’t working my jaws would’ve appreciated being told that it wasn’t working. We’re eager to please like.
10: Consistency is super important. There is nothing worse than a constant change of rhythm (I’m sure it’s the same for guys) and that can literally ruin orgasms. I suggested the following technique (for anything involving rhythm – be it oral, penetrative, or hand stuff) to my buddies which was met with approval across the board: find a thing she’s reacting to well, keep doing that exactly – do not change it at all, increase pressure and speed slightly until HEY PRESTO (orgasm!)
11: Do not ask her to act like she’s enjoying herself. If she isn’t ask why not? Unless you’re paying her, in which case, I guess it doesn’t really matter.
12: Stay in the moment. It’s off putting getting a handjob from someone looking off into the distance.
13: If you want anal only lube will do and don’t expect anything without it.
And a curse forever on the creeper who once poured hair conditioner onto my dry asshole with no kind of consultation.
14: Please only slobber on our gees. Nowhere else.
15: Just because you’ve a big dick it doesn’t mean you’ve an excuse to be lazy or that you are automatically a good ride.
16: Don’t assume you can just do what you want and we’ll be OK with it:
I had a dude slap me across the face when he came. It was weird. That was a one night thing.
and
I had one guy randomly grab my hair and yank it hard with no warning. .. that was painful and took me right out of it. I know some women like it.. but I feel that’s something that needs to be discussed. I’m no prude… I totally get the pain pleasure thing… but boundaries need to be be discussed first.
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The guy who- when I moved, intending to switch positions (i said something like “wait let me just move over”), so I slid myself up the bed and he just pulled me back down to where I’d been before, by my hips. I had to proper yell at him before he’d listen.
17: Don’t openly compare us or even imply that you are to other people you’ve rode. Especially when you don’t put in any effort.
There was this guy I used to ride and he’d talk about how all his exes were boring in bed. I used to ride him. The common denominator was him. I mean he was literally one out of like three people in my life that I had fuck all chemistry with in bed, yet I still felt like I was being compared to the weird expectations of a super lazy dude and that in turn put me under pressure to try and compare and completely ruined any chance I had of an orgasm.
18
18: Don’t assume you can just fuck someone’s face from the offset:
Yeah calm your tits there mick, I need my oesophagus.
19: Vibrating cock rings are awesome and mean that you don’t have to use your hands on the lady parts during riding. Although we found that we’re all super different as regards where we orgasm from – be in clitoral, g-spot or cervix.
20: There seemed to be a bit shame from a few of us about our interests – which welcomely came up – and were extremely diverse – almost like we were real people. One person admitted to trying things they were ashamed of to which was met by:
Dont be ashamed ever! Sure there’s some people that wanna get into nappies like.
A massive factor that also contributed to our enjoyment of sex was also tied in with how we felt about ourselves and our bodies. We can be sensitive little creatures about these matters so we can – even if we like getting choked or squirting.
So can we all be humans about this? I don’t think it’s difficult to give someone else and orgasm is it? Do you not want to give other people pleasure and get repeat rides like? We’re all self conscious. We’re all assholes. We should demand equality in all things. Including orgasms. Because although they’re not the be-all-and-end-all of sexy times they should be a prerequisite for everyone. The more effort you put in the more we probably will.
View at Medium.com
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/orgasm-gap-sex-study-straight-women-have-fewer-orgasms-than-men/
View at Medium.com
View at Medium.com
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