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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Nov
08

I’m trying this out.  Be nice.  They’re not super serious.

 

img_0712

 

[clicks fingers]

Do you

 

think
if I


hit 


enter 


enough it 


will 


look 


like 


it means


something


profound?

 

 

[redacted]

There’s a hole in the wall behind the door,

And I’m thinking that there’s some deep poetic analogy in there,

while I’m fixing it with gauze and mentally listing the other things that I need to mend.

Seriously,

there’s something in this;

hoovering all the skin out of the carpet,

washing all the stains off the sheets,

sweeping up the broken mirror shards hidden in the corners,

throwing out every single gift,

erasing photos.

When that wall is sanded over,

it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

But I can’t make the connection,

because I’m shit at poetry,

so what the fuck would I know?

 

[baby cracks]

Show me all your baby cracks

and I’ll show you mine,

although maybe they’re more obvious

without saying anything over time.

Ask questions though as if you care,

in a very non-serious way,

because to be honest, I’ll probably just get scared,

and retreat back,

pulling out lumps of my own hair.

 

[the day the fifty euro went on fire on a candle haiku]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

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Oct
22

Recent studies have shown that women in hetereosexual couples orgasm way less than the guys – as few as one for every three that their male partners have in fact.  This is complicated further by the fact that 86% of women in lesbian couples have orgasms most or all of the time (all sourced down the end of this article anyway).  I don’t know if that is surprising to anyone, particularly people with vaginas, but if it is, maybe we need to have a look at some of the sexual constructs that uphold this crap – because we all deserve orgasms, don’t we?

Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a big bash on men here – we know that women get stuff wrong too – but if porn has taught me anything – and well, real life too, women have been conditioned to be givers and our orgasm is secondary to that of the man’s pleasure.  It’s totally true.  I’ve had so many experiences over the course of my life that once the dude is done the sex ends there without even a question of how that worked out for ya.  I think women have been conditioned to just be passive about the whole thing and not ask for what they want.  I remember a guy saying to me ‘sure it’s normal women don’t cum every time, yeah?’ when I pointed out that I wanted more than one substandard ride a week that never worked out for me.  That didn’t last very long – I’ll tell you that – especially when the softest direction on how to improve my ‘time’ was met with hostility because of their fragile fucking ego.

Look, I get it – sex education is a load of arse – and focuses on the rudimentary functions – penis gets hard, goes in, cums, goes out.  So the emphasis is on the penis and the penis having a good time so it can yack in the lady parts to make a baby.  But what about the lady having fun?  Surely, it’s important for everyone to have fun or do people just want women to pretend they’re having fun (and believe me lots of women do this just to get it over with)?  Please don’t say ‘I’ve never had any complaints’ either because we (well not me) are as polite as fuck and know it’s a sensitive issue.

I will concede here that not all women can cum, but you can’t assume we won’t.  You know maybe ask us what you could do to help us along maybe.  It seems like communication about sex is just based on a lot of assumptions that no news is good news.  So guys keep thinking the riding is adequate, our enthusiasm wanes and nothing gets said.  There’s two peeps in it but you don’t want to make people feel shit and ruin any potential future boners either. Seriously, I know this is terrible to say but there have been several things that I kept going with dudes that I actually didn’t like and had nothing else going for them particularly just because they were so good at riding – so you know upping your game improves your situation vastly – although I’m a bit of a messed up person so that mightn’t be a great example.

OK so what I’ve done here is start a group chat where 8 of us tried to come up with a list of things that universally appealed to us and advice that we would give men.  You’d think some of these were obvious but apparently they’re not.  I shall also include anonymous quotes because I was in bits laughing.

 

org6

 

1:  Be careful sucking that clit – it ain’t a straw – it’s a tiny bundle of nerve endings – and that can hurt.

2:  Please avoid mashing your nose into the pubic bone or that general area for the love of God.

3:  Do not expect loads of blowies if you’re not reciprocating.

Some are better with their mouth than their fingers and vice versa. But no way in well would I go down on a guy if he refused to go down on me. Tit for tat baby.

and

I think loads of men are actually kind of crap at going down – well actually, no I don’t – I think they are deliberately crap at it so they don’t get asked to do it again.

4:  Do not attempt entry if there is no wetness.  Sometimes that hurts, and even rip things.  Foreplay is very important and should not be stopped after you’ve banged a few times:

Like, some guys seem to think that when they get you off a few times they’ve got the cheat code, and will try to run through the same routine as quickly as possible until they can get their dick wet. Keep exploring, having playful fun, It’s not “kiss the neck, honk the boobs twice, slurp on the clit and horse it in.”

5: Do not assume because you’re done that this is done.  You have a face and hands yeah?

Also- if I don’t get off, I very much consider him to still be on the clock. WE aren’t done until we’re both done so if he comes and I’m still working on it, I expect assistance.

6: Do check and see if stuff is working out for us.  I know this sounds obvious but sometimes we’re being super polite.  I’m sure you’ll know if it’s working to an extent but at least saying something can open it up to us saying ‘actually left a bit’ or ‘down’ or ‘harder’.

orgasm1

7:  There is a fine line with sexy talk.  It can be great or cheese or too much depending on what you’re into.  We seemed to overall find that it didn’t work as well with one night stands.  Also, putting people on the spot with it is super off putting.

Sexy talk isn’t efficient for a one night thing, in my experience. It’s cool when you know someone and know what they’re into and vice versa but it’s too risky with a stranger. What if I say “talk to me” And then he calls me ma or something? Nope.

and

I like Sexy talk done well. I love hearing a guy tell me how hard I make make him and how he loves my pussy. I like him to tell me what feels good and I’ll do the same for him it’s the only way to build up to amazing sex

and

Once when I ended up trying it I’d overthought it waaaaay too much and I just ended up saying ‘OH YOU’RE A STAR’, which made me laugh so much my horn went away.

8:  Open up for communication a bit better and actually listen to us.  If we give you advice listen to it and take it on board because if we’re actually telling you to do something we mean it a lot stronger than it is coming across.  Don’t fucking freak out when we tell you what you’re doing isn’t working.

I told a dude that was fingering me that it was hurting me and tried to guide his hand to do things in a way I would actually enjoy.  He grabbed his hand back off me and shouted I KNOW WHAT IM DOING! and proceeded to tear the box off me and gave me a UTI.

and

Oh yeah, there was another dude who used to do this twisty thing when fingering and rub his knuckles really hard over sensitive bits. And he would get really sulky and moody if I told him to stop mangling my vag.

9:  If something isn’t working for the love of Jesus tell us.

I spent 45 minutes sucking a guy off before and it wasn’t going anywhere.  My jaw was fucking killing me but he didn’t lose his boner so I was confused.  I would’ve appreciated it if he actually had tried to stay in the moment as well as he was watching Countdown the entire time.  If it wasn’t working my jaws would’ve appreciated being told that it wasn’t working.  We’re eager to please like.

org4

10: Consistency is super important.  There is nothing worse than a constant change of rhythm (I’m sure it’s the same for guys) and that can literally ruin orgasms.  I suggested the following technique (for anything involving rhythm – be it oral, penetrative, or hand stuff) to my buddies which was met with approval across the board:  find a thing she’s reacting to well, keep doing that exactly – do not change it at all, increase pressure and speed slightly until HEY PRESTO (orgasm!)

11: Do not ask her to act like she’s enjoying herself.  If she isn’t ask why not?  Unless you’re paying her, in which case, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

12: Stay in the moment.  It’s off putting getting a handjob from someone looking off into the distance.

13: If you want anal only lube will do and don’t expect anything without it.

And a curse forever on the creeper who once poured hair conditioner onto my dry asshole with no kind of consultation.

14: Please only slobber on our gees.  Nowhere else.

15: Just because you’ve a big dick it doesn’t mean you’ve an excuse to be lazy or that you are automatically a good ride.

org3

16: Don’t assume you can just do what you want and we’ll be OK with it:

I had a dude slap me across the face when he came. It was weird. That was a one night thing.

and

I had one guy randomly grab my hair and yank it hard with no warning. .. that was painful and took me right out of it. I know some women like it.. but I feel that’s something that needs to be discussed. I’m no prude… I totally get the pain pleasure thing… but boundaries need to be be discussed first.

and

The guy who- when I moved, intending to switch positions (i said something like “wait let me just move over”), so I slid myself up the bed and he just pulled me back down to where I’d been before, by my hips. I had to proper yell at him before he’d listen.

17: Don’t openly compare us or even imply that you are to other people you’ve rode.  Especially when you don’t put in any effort.

There was this guy I used to ride and he’d talk about how all his exes were boring in bed.  I used to ride him.  The common denominator was him.  I mean he was literally one out of like three people in my life that I had fuck all chemistry with in bed, yet I still felt like I was being compared to the weird expectations of a super lazy dude and that in turn put me under pressure to try and compare and completely ruined any chance I had of an orgasm.

org218

18:  Don’t assume you can just fuck someone’s face from the offset:

Yeah calm your tits there mick, I need my oesophagus.

19: Vibrating cock rings are awesome and mean that you don’t have to use your hands on the lady parts during riding.  Although we found that we’re all super different as regards where we orgasm from – be in clitoral, g-spot or cervix.

0rg5

20: There seemed to be a bit shame from a few of us about our interests – which welcomely came up – and were extremely diverse – almost like we were real people.  One person admitted to trying things they were ashamed of to which was met by:

Dont be ashamed ever! Sure there’s some people that wanna get into nappies like.

A massive factor that also contributed to our enjoyment of sex was also tied in with how we felt about ourselves and our bodies.  We can be sensitive little creatures about these matters so we can – even if we like getting choked or squirting.

So can we all be humans about this?  I don’t think it’s difficult to give someone else and orgasm is it?  Do you not want to give other people pleasure and get repeat rides like?  We’re all self conscious.  We’re all assholes.  We should demand equality in all things.  Including orgasms.  Because although they’re not the be-all-and-end-all of sexy times they should be a prerequisite for everyone.  The more effort you put in the more we probably will.

View at Medium.com

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/orgasm-gap-sex-study-straight-women-have-fewer-orgasms-than-men/

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

Oct
05

Are you a ‘menz’?  It’s different than a man – which on its own I have no issue with.  ‘Menz’, however, are different and live in their own little world of toxic masculinity which perpetuates their own misery and this misery leads to sadz… which leads to menz tears… which is the main source of my feminist power.

Here’s a quiz to see how menzy you are.  On their own loads of these aren’t that bad but when cumulatively applied and a high score is reached you’re probably not my kind of person.

They’re simple yes or no answers and a diagram to explain it for your simple menz brains below.  If you score over 70 let me know because your tears will taste exquisite.

 

1:  Do you like to be controversial for the sake of it?

2:  Do you make shit jokes about vegetarians that weren’t even funny 10 years ago?

3:  Do you rely on the women in your life for emotional support that you wouldn’t with the male counterparts you know?

4:  Do you start sentences regularly with ‘women are’?

5:  Do you often start explaining things to women without gauging their level of expertise first (or even despite knowing that this IS their area of expertise or job)?

6:  Do you make a point of talking to women about their pleasure being important to you like it’s exceptional?

7:  Do you go asleep without checking if your partner has also orgasmed?

8:  The female body is a mystery yeah?

9:  Do you believe it’s weak for men to cry?

10: Have you ever referred to yourself as ‘woke’?

11: Do you diminish women’s looks, personality or intellect when chatting them up?

12: Do you think women talk too much?

13: Do you think women talk more than men?

14: Do you think ‘rape culture’ is a myth?

15: Do you think Jordan Peterson is cool?

16: In a public setting do you feel the need to talk loudly and over everybody?

17: Do public displays of affection bother you?

18: Do public displays or affection bother you when it’s not a heterosexual couple?

19:  Are gay men gross but lesbians hot?

20: Do you treat your mother like shit?

21: Have you ever referred to your partner as ‘a ball and chain’, or something to that effect?

22: Do you feel the need to tell women your opinion on their physical appearance without prompting?

23: It is often negative?

24: Have you ever lied to get sex?

25: Have you ever ‘accidentally’ put your dick in the wrong hole?

26: Would you be pissed off if you only had daughters?

27: If you had a son (or have one) have you spoken to him about consent?

28:  Do you think women are worse to each other than men are to women?

29: All women are after the same thing?

30: Are you scared of men seeing your dick?

31: Are you afraid to hug other men?

32: Have you ever said ‘where are all the female {insert career dominated by men here}?’

33: Have you ever played devil’s advocate about a rape case?

34: Is a woman farting gross but a man farting ok?

35: After you scratch yourself do you smell your hand?

36: Do all women love shoes?

37: There is a fine line between normal and needy, yeah?

38: Have you ever unironically said ‘not all men’?

39: When a woman or women have been discussing something relevant to them through statistics and/or experience have you said ‘what about the men’ or ‘that happens to men too’, or ‘I don’t do that.’

40: Would you laugh at a friend that was being physically abused by a female partner?

41: Do you have difficulty expressing emotion with words?

42: Do you have a hard time listening to women?

43: Have you ever had sex with someone who was waayyy drunker than you?

44: Do you think the amount of sexual partners a woman has had can have an impact on her vag?

45: If someone laughed during sex would you freak out?

46: Have you ever explained men to women by  saying ‘this is what men do?’

47: Do men have higher sex drives than women?

48: Would you refuse to buy tampons for your lady in the supermarket?

49: Do you refuse to go to the doctor until you’re super unwell?

50:  Do you deserve cookies for basic tasks?

EACH YES IS WORTH 2 POINTS.

Look yourself up below and post your results.   If you are an uber menz I will make you cry on purpose.

 

menzgraph

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jul
24

cranky

1: Not everyone feels the same way you do about things – we’re all different – so don’t assume that everyone will have the same priorities as you.

2: If you’re bursting for a wee walk in backwards to the bathroom and open your trousers before you even look at the toilet to avoid your bladder getting excited and pissing yourself.

3: Ask yourself questions before making a negative comment: What’s the point in saying this? Is there a positive suggestion to rectify the situation accompanying this statement? What is there to gain by saying this?

4: There is no point in fighting on the internet. Keep away from comment sections.

5: Compartmentalise every element of your life so if one part goes on fire that the whole thing doesn’t explode.

6: Don’t waste your time hating people. Complete waste of energy.

7: Looking back at past events can be helpful to avoid repetition. However, if you look back too much you won’t go anywhere else.

8: If you get a sweaty bum when sitting on a glossy surface before standing wipe your bum along the surface to remove the sweat shape of your arse.

9: Belly buttons are useful for storing shower gel when in the bath.

10: Instrumental music is a good background for creativity.

11: Getting up early is the only way to be productive.

12: You can’t give 100%, 100% of time. Aim for 50%, 75% of the time.

13: If you have to get up early but you’re locked sleep somewhere really uncomfortable so you wake up before your alarm.

14: Invest – at least equally – if not more, in platonic friendships – not romantic ones. You can get everything you need without being in a relationship, with lots of friends and sex toys.

15: Seriously, stop trying to rap. You’ve been doing this in private for years. You really can’t do it Caroline – get over it.

16: If you want to learn how to ‘network’ forget that fucking word and just try to make genuine human connections.

17: Accept that people don’t really know or understand you – and that’s fine – they don’t deserve that anyway.

18: Do not take kitchen knives out of their packaging and put them back in your backpack.

19: It’s better to want things than to need them. Other than essentials like food and shelter you don’t really need anything.

20: Social media can get you the ride if you play your cards right.

21: If you have heartburn in bed sleep on your left hand side.

22: Kegels are super important and do improve sex. They make your vag magic if you do them right.

23: Hug and cuddle people. Share beds with platonic friends and spoon. It’s lovely and releases oxytocin and makes ya happy and calm.

24: Laugh at people’s shite jokes – particularly men – they love that. Fragile dopes.

25: Disappear sometimes and don’t tell anyone where you are. Turn your phone off and all.

26: Being angry makes you more productive than being sad. If you work this out sooner rather than later you can turn loads of things around.

27: Constantly examine patterns in your life and if the same problems keep happening change that shit up.

28: If you’re feeling broody offer to babysit a child with colic. That’ll fix ya.

29: I don’t know if it’s just me but my period has gone nuts since I hit my thirties. If you’re like me for the first two days of the ‘red army’ hide away from anyone you may be likely to punch.

30: Eyebrows frame your face – have good eyebrows.

31: If someone touches someone from the waist down they probably fancy them.

32: Positivity is more productive than negativity, and in many cases, on a individual level, more conducive to eliciting a positive response or change.

33: If you fancy someone avoid them like the plague, unless you’re super drunk. You’ll just say something stupid anyway. At least you’ll have the excuse you were drunk.

34: Dick is abundant and of low value.

35: If attempting to pleasure a woman consistency of motion is very important. Don’t change things up just before she pops.

36: Reply to annoying messages with random facts about Skeletor or some rare parrot.

37: Expectations can ruin things so generally have none – just basics that need to be met.

38: Fear engulfment that comes with relationships. Maintain your own individuality and never expose vulnerabilities.

39: Bring up issues as soon as you can but when you feel you have processed enough emotionally to be rational.

40: Try to avoid raising your voice. Scream into a pillow later or have an angry wank later.

41: Never call a woman ‘loud’, ‘irrational’, ‘stupid’, ‘pig’ or ’emotional’ without expecting negative backlash you asshole. Never say she is ‘overreacting’ unless you want to see what overreacting actually looks like.

42: Sometimes people just want to vent – not for you to fix anything. If you don’t know what to say just actively listen.

43: Ask people questions about themselves to get to know them. I know this sounds obvious but there is literally no way of really getting to know someone without asking them things. It also shows you are interested in them.

44: Keep your coffee grounds in the fridge.

45: Always carry baby wipes. You’ll be grateful for them if there’s no jacks roll.

46: Toss a coin to make decisions like ‘who should I bring home tonight?’ or ‘should I leave my job?’

47: Let kitties come to you.

48: Show people how to make you happy in bed and if they react badly that’s their business.

49: People project onto each other loads. Listen to them. It’s not you, it’s them.

50: Avoid people who say all their ex-partners were crazy. The only common denominator there is them, innit?

Jul
03

jacks

 

 

A few people, (men obviously) have said to me recently that women never really say what they mean. I didn’t think this was a problem specific to women. I mean I’ve met men that expect you to be able to fucking mind read. I can’t speak for any other woman but my needs are basic – cuddles, orgasms, food, and chats – that’s pretty much it. Still, I suppose I’m a bit indirect.  Still apparently women speak this crazy code that men just can’t understand.  I suppose pleading ignorance makes it easier than actually learning how vaginas work though, eh?  Or just saying we’re crazy is easier than admitting that you’re actually just a lazy shit, ha?

Perhaps this reference chart can help you decipher the mystical female language that yiz are clearly too lazy to work out yisserselves (but I mean I’m only one woman):

WHAT I SAY:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I SAY:

Is that right, yeah?

WHAT I MEAN:

Go fuck yourself, you’re so wrong

WHAT I SAY:

Are you happy?

WHAT I MEAN:

Am I happy?

WHAT I SAY:

What do you think?

WHAT I MEAN:

Make this decision please

WHAT I SAY:

Meh

WHAT I MEAN:

Don’t push this issue

WHAT I SAY:

[Blows air like a horse from lips]

WHAT I MEAN:

I thought we weren’t pushing                                                                                                        this issue.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m getting narky

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re pissing me off. Stop.

WHAT I SAY:

It doesn’t matter

WHAT I MEAN:

I think if we discussed this                                                                                                                    either we’ll end up fighting or                                                                                                            you can’t really help

WHAT I SAY:

State of ya

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re adorable

WHAT I SAY:

Sorry I missed your call I was in the shower.

WHAT I MEAN:

I was staring at my phone                                                                                                                     wondering why you rang.

WHAT I SAY:

Prick

WHAT I MEAN:

Awwwwwww

WHAT I SAY:

Why bother even saying that?

WHAT I MEAN:

I didn’t ask for your opinion

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I have a tendency to self-                                                                                                                      sabotage things because people                                                                                                          are turds and death awaits us                                                                                                              all anyway

WHAT I SAY:

[…]

WHAT I MEAN:

I like you

WHAT I SAY:

[…..] UGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Yeah, I like ya

WHAT I SAY:

[….] You’re OK, like

WHAT I MEAN:

Ah, I probably                                                                                                                                      have proper feels

WHAT I SAY:

I couldn’t sleep

WHAT I MEAN:

I am a bag of anxiety

WHAT I SAY:

I heard you before

WHAT I MEAN:

Please do not repeat this story                                                                                                             again

WHAT I SAY:

Ah, I don’t want to talk about [insert specific issue]

WHAT I MEAN:

I can only say nice things so I                                                                                                               need to just not talk about it.

WHAT I SAY:

[Shrieking noise]

WHAT I MEAN:

DID YOU JUST TELL ME I WAS                                                                                                            OVERREACTING?!

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t be a sap

WHAT I MEAN:

Cop on like.

WHAT I SAY:

No

WHAT I MEAN:

No

WHAT I SAY:

Yes

WHAT I MEAN:

Yes

WHAT I SAY:

Maybe

WHAT I MEAN:

No, unless you make it really                                                                                                               easy for me or you really want                                                                                                           to do it.

WHAT I SAY:

Go on, teach me something.

WHAT I MEAN:

I LOVE BEING PATRONISED

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m just warning you I have                                                                                                                 lots of feelings so you may                                                                                                                   have to reassure me a lot to                                                                                                                 calm me the fuck down.

WHAT I SAY:

I know.

WHAT I MEAN:

Why are you explaining this                                                                                                                again?

WHAT I SAY:

Please stop talking.

WHAT I MEAN:

I can’t hear myself think.

WHAT I SAY:

Are you annoyed with me?

WHAT I MEAN:

I haven’t decided if I’m                                                                                                                           annoyed yet but your reaction                                                                                                             will dictate the outcome.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a catch!

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not a catch – I was being                                                                                                               sarcastic.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a bit overwhelmed

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m going to have a breakdown.

WHAT I SAY:

It’s fine.

WHAT I MEAN:

Seriously, it’s all good like.

WHAT I SAY:

BLEURGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Give me a hug or something.

WHAT I SAY:

I’ll be back in a while

WHAT I MEAN:

Going to have a poop.

WHAT I SAY:

My tummy isn’t well.

WHAT I MEAN:

I had the plops.

WHAT I SAY:

[Stares at something I can’t do]

WHAT I MEAN:

Won’t ask for help but will                                                                                                                   stare at it till someone else                                                                                                                   offers.

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t

WHAT I MEAN:

If you touch me again… don’t…just don’t..

WHAT I SAY:

Attention!

WHAT I MEAN:

Pet me!

WHAT I SAY:

OK… (wary face)

WHAT I MEAN:

What are you playing at?  Is                                                                                                                this a trap?

I realise now that I may be like a cat. Yup, I’m a cat. I’m not even a woman so perhaps this isn’t applicable to other women at all then.  Sorry for wasting your time – I guess you’ll never learn how women work now.

May
16

 

OK so I spend a lot of my time day dreaming.  Also,  I wanted to post something amusing for a change – or at least something that I find amusing.

 

Here is a list of words and phrases that I think should be used if they aren’t already:

freak out

‘Mind deaf’

When you cannot hear your own thoughts because someone is talking too much – usually a child or drunk person.

‘My head was wrecked because he just wouldn’t shut up.  I went completely mind deaf.’

 

‘Dipster’

An accidental older hipster, who doesn’t think they’re a hipster but they totally look like one and are kinda a dick.

‘Did you see him vaping outside the vegan restaurant talking about wind energy?’

What a dipster.’

 

‘Trench cunt’

Similar to ‘trench foot’, but obviously with a vagina.  When the area starts to go all weird from being too wet and goes all crinkley like you spent too long in the bath.  Very likely to lead to a urinary tract infection – so make sure you pee!

‘I can’t get comfortable today after all the bangs yesterday – I think I have trench cunt.’

 

‘Bastard’

A person who sits on the outside of the seat on a bus and/or has their bag still up on the seat when the bus is packed.

‘There were loads of bastards on the bus today and I couldn’t get a seat.’

 

Interferon’

A person who likes to interfere with whatever you are doing because they seem to think you can’t do anything correctly.

‘He kept coming in and trying to stir my shit when I was in the kitchen.  Fucking interferon.’

 

Old fashioned.’

A role play involving the man coming home drunk, shouting at his partner to get back in the kitchen, holding a picture of the Pope and taking his belt off to give her a good auld beating.

‘Ah man, I’m in bits today because I had an old fashioned last night.’

 

‘Deja vag’

The moment when you walk into a situation and notice that multiple of your past partners or people you’ve slept with (also known as the collective  ‘an awkward of exs’) are all around each other and talking.  You don’t know if they know about each other and you don’t like it or what they could be talking about.  You don’t like it one bit.

‘I got total deja vag last night and it feels like I heard the word anal mentioned.  I’m fucking mortified.’

 

‘Blackout bleeeeernds.’

This should just simply replace the normal noun of blackout blinds purely because it makes me laugh.  I burped trying to say blackout blinds before and it came out like this.  Now I can only say ‘blackout bleeeeernds.’

No example needed.

 

‘Prawn’

Use this word to deliberately infuriate a 14-year-old whilst playing chess with him, pretending you are thick, instead of the correct phrase ‘pawn.’

‘So the prawn can only move one space yeah?’

‘IT’S CALLED A PAWN MOTHER YOU FUCKING IDIOT!’

And the prawn can only move forward too yeah?’

‘INAUDIBLE ANGRY GIBBERISH.’

 

‘Shakespearing.’

When someone is super locko and going off on a diatribe that nobody either gets or is listening to.  Much like a monologue in Shakespearean plays.

‘He was pretty drunk.  He was all Shakespearing about the Celtic tiger and the crash… I think.’

jon

Jambon Jovi.’

A cool name for a jambon.

jam2

‘Jammie dodger.’

Someone who won’t have sex with someone when they have their period.

‘I have such a horn on me but the red army has come to visit.’

‘Oh is he a jammie dodger?’

(Insert sad face here)

fun

‘Amusement park’

A person you would ride continuously for the weekend but never again.  Possibly involving pre-emptive purchase of the morning after pill.

‘They’re not really relationship material to be honest.  And that’s not what I was looking for anyway but they are a decent amusement park.’

 

‘Hangover horn’

I’m pretty sure people use this but had to explain this concept to someone recently.  Upon awakening after an excessive night of drinking, filled with fear and a headache, there is a massive rise in vulnerability and libido.   This sometimes results in a worsening of the symptoms of the hangover but is an urge that is very hard to resist.

‘I had the worst hangover horn ever this morning.  After I had that bang I puked.’

 

‘Ghost whispering’

When you hear someone say the exact thing you said as if it was their idea in the first place.

‘That motherfucking prick is passing my idea off as his own about my podcast!  What am I?  The fucking ghost whisperer?’

 

‘Dissing’

When someone messages you that you don’t like and you pretend you got a new phone in the hopes that they’ll get the message.

‘U STILL UP?  WANT TO HAVE SUM FUN?’

‘NEW PHONE.  WHO DIS?’

 

 

May
15

Zim_serves_in_Impending_doom_one

 

Safety is a fundamental human need, yeah?  To feel secure and cosy.  Children unquestioningly have this blind faith, trust and reliance on their parents to do the right things for them – to keep them safe and protect them.  We are their role models, we need to be strong and show them not to take shit, but we also need to shield them.  At the same time parents (and I’m including myself here clearly) have an obligation to teach them how to protect themselves, because the world isn’t going to change for your child but your child clearly needs to be tough enough to be able to deal with the shite life throws up at you.

These thoughts passed through my mind as I looked at the snow from inside my house and compared the relatively calm looking snow with the weather warnings.

YOU NEED TO BE SCARED OF THE FUCKING SNOW!

Someone told me the other day that I was an optimistic person which I found, to be quite frank, fucking redonkulous.  The world is a scary place and I’ve been scared, or at least super apprehensive, quite a lot in my lifetime.  It’s nearly become a complete exhaustive way of life at times.  And, this isn’t based on the bullshit that the tabloids would spew to instil fear into you – it’s based on life experience.  It has only occurred to me in the last few years that I rarely feel safe any more and I can’t remember the last time I did.

What’s your agenda?  Is this a load of lies?  Should I be left alone with this person?  How can I escape if I need to?  I should just leave.  I should just go before I get hurt.

So, yeah I’m bit of a paranoid person, perhaps.  Despite what you might think though, I’m observant – most certainly when it comes to people.  You can’t write properly without being observant to a certain degree, or at least look at things in a different way to most people.  I can see those little microexpressions, I can feel the tension in a room and I’m always on the lookout – because my dear dear friends – the world isn’t safe and people are shit.  I can tell when a fight is about to brew.  I can see when someone is in a bad mood and volatile.  I can predict whether someone is whispering shite about me or someone I care about.  I’m nearly always right too, as much as I wish I wasn’t, because things nearly always go the way I predict.  I wish I was fucking oblivious.  I wish I didn’t care.

You might think I seem relaxed but I’m not.  Even my baseline for being relaxed is really skewed.  I think the easiest way to try to describe how I feel is to get you to imagine waiting to be punched.  Maybe it’s like a second before the fist gets your face.  Imagine that anticipation for a long extended period of time.  You’re trapped in this perpetual limbo of agony.  I sound like a squirrely motherfucker don’t I? Inside I am.

And what do I do?  Freeze – play dead – literally in some cases because I can’t process stress or if I feel in super danger (or more likely someone I care about) fight mode is activated.  This is normal, I think – yeah?  The whole fight or flight thing?  But imagine someone shouting at you and literally shutting down like a powered off robot.  Well either that or just burn everything to the ground and walk away.  At best it permeates so much through my regular life that I try and avoid situations where I feel vulnerable – not so much in a physical (although that does happen) but emotionally.  So how close can you get to that, eh?

Being frightened a lot of the time and withdrawing can be exhausting.  Or constantly waiting for shit to go down isn’t really conducive to being productive – unless you want to actually run and I never do that so….  I’ve kinda tried adopting robot mode generally.  It’s super rare I trust anyone properly anyway and I don’t feel like I’ve ever really been protected so I’ve learned to protect myself.  You can’t expose that super raw little underbelly of mine – oh no!

Let’s keep it fluffy and light, eh?  I mean constant reassurance and cuddles and slowly gaining my trust with inciteful conversation could help – but seriously who has time to do that like?  And I’m not a needy fucker but that seems like I’m totally on needy street right there.

Seriously, the media are crazy for making us terrified at every single turn.  Murder, war, recession, homelessness, joblessness, rape, abuse, healthcare, pandemics….

THE WORLD IS GOING TO EXPLODE LIKE A DUMPSTER ON FIRE!

You can’t look anywhere without fear being sold to you.  Well, maybe more even forced on you.  And scared people are easier to control.  Talk to them with any authority and they’ll let you make decisions for them.  Seriously, wear people down enough and they’re easy as fuck to manipulate.  Especially, if it seems like you’ve got the situation handled.

All I can hope in many ways that my ultra vigilance in many ways (cos although my anxiety is at an all-time low it’s inherently still a massive part of me) protects my kid and that he feels safe.

If you don’t understand these feelings still – even objectively – you might need to take a step back before casting judgement.  I still feel sometimes that people just don’t get how paralysing feeling like this can be at times and a lot of the time I feel like my feelings are invalidated or dismissed.  And there’s only so much of that I can take when I expose a tiny tiny bit of that raw underbelly only to hear that it’s not a big deal.  If you can’t empathise, try to sympathise, yeah?  You’d be a bit nuts too if you felt like this (with good fucking reason).

 

May
09

 

toilet

 

 

We’ve all reached points when suddenly we know that a date or early stage relationship isn’t going to work.  Sometimes it makes sense, like seeing some red flags, and other times it can be a strange arbitrary thing – like not liking her eyeliner or laugh.  I’m not saying I’m cool or above criticism but here are a few of the things that I have encountered that have made me reconsider seeing said person ever again.  Most of these are from my 30’s too, a time when I’m way less likely to waste time and spot signals that lead to bad places, but some of them are just stupid things that I couldn’t get over.  I am a fickle creature.  I know, I’m SUCH a catch!

I’m a dick, I get it.

 

They told me I was a good ‘draw-er’.

During sexy times, they continuously pinched the backs of my knees.

They said ‘but it’s normal for girls not to orgasm most of the time’ and seemed to use it as an excuse not to try.

He kept talking about his J1.

Told me that women need to be ’emotionally connected to the person’ to have sex with them.

They couldn’t pronounce ‘daiquiri’ and for some reason, ‘da-queer-ee’ really bugged me.

On a first date when I went to the bathroom they screamed ‘please come back’ at me and everyone looked.

They asked me if I wanted to go for a jog in the morning.

They seemed annoyed that I wasn’t a real red head.

They told me that my face was asymmetrical.

When they got a horrible haircut.

When they told me I had a horrible haircut – but my hair was nice.

They asked me if I’d been in prison.

They said ‘guys can finger girls, but girls can’t wank dudes.’  Tell that to my sore vag,           dude.

All their last girlfriends were ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’.

Accused me of posting pictures of them on the internet while they slept.

Repeated use of the phrase ‘I am a man’ or ‘I am nice.’

They said: ‘People kept saying she was retarded – she wasn’t – it’s just the education             system in America is really bad.’

I saw socks and sandals.

They asked me to let them piss on me.

She wouldn’t stop talking about her ex.

They told me they hated falafel like it would mortally wound me.

Criticised my parenting.

They wouldn’t let me talk.

Showed up for food with no money and didn’t tell me till we were paying so I had to pay for them as well.  I don’t mind paying for my own shit, don’t get me wrong – but I wouldn’t show up with no money.

Got angry when I said I was considering piercing my septum.

They were too sensitive about me making requests for stuff in the bedroom and took everything as a criticism.

Said sex once a week would be enough.

They mentioned marriage.

Clearly did not listen to a word I said.

They made too much of a point saying that looks aren’t everything.

After an ‘accident’ kept asking me to let them know if there was ‘any news.’

Thought that we pee out our vaginas.  They were in their late 30’s.

I realised I didn’t like the smell of their sweat

They shouted ‘how many orgasms did you have?’ at me in a cafe.  I’d had none.

They asked if we were exclusive after 3 dates.

They bought me flowers from a petrol station.

Thought Mrs Brown’s Boys was funny.

Explained women to me.

I realised they looked like Bryan Adams.

They insulted me all night, talked over me, told me to ‘shut up’ and then tried to kiss me in a fridge in Centra while I was trying to grab chocolate milk.

They never asked me any questions about me.

When I returned to the house after 12 hours they were in the exact same position as when I had left them.  This happened every day.

They were forceful about getting nudes.

When they told me I had lovely blue eyes.  They’re green.

Got angry because I didn’t reply straight away.

They opened a wallet stuffed with cash deliberately slowly in front of me.

They laughed about giving an ex an STI.

‘Should you be eating that?’

Pretended they knew what a clitoris was – cos they clearly didn’t.

Other things that could be added to this list include messaging me a minimum of 20 times an hour, ringing me in the middle of the night AND scratching right inside their butthole in front of me (and smelling their hand).  Get ta fuck like.

 

 

 

 

May
01

feelsJPG

To whom it may concern,

 

I’m only applying for this job in the hopes that you turn me down because I just want to tell people that I have been looking for ‘gainful employment’.  I would much rather gouge my own eyes out than work for you, but, if you decide I have ‘what it takes’ I can promise you that I will work moderately hard for the first few months until I inevitably get bored and leave.  I won’t thank you for minimum wage and obviously resent being micromanaged to the point that you won’t want to talk to me anymore. 

I have terrible communication skills due to actually being a nervous introvert who unfortunately gets pegged as an extrovert all the time.  I am incapable of small talk.  Don’t worry though, I won’t ride anyone in the office either, or if I do you’ll never find out.  

I think my greatest accomplishment is actually preventing others around me from being productive.  You want to have races on the wheeled chairs or see who can put the most pegs on their face – I am your woman.

Please find my CV attached.

Fuck you,

Caroline Egan

 

Caroline Egan

DOB:  I’m probably too old for this job.

The 5th address I’ve had in 4 years, fuck everything, Dublin.

Stupidemailaddressfromcollege@hotmail.com

Technical Skills

I am proficient in editing, correcting grammar and syntax.

I am a regular user of online resources such as WordPress, Facebook, Twitter, Quora and Instagram – but really I just spend ages refreshing Facebook pages and snooping people.

I have a proven track record in meeting deadlines – no matter how tight.

Conflict resolution – between intoxicated people.

Have learned strong digital marketing skills with Facebook, Adwords etc.

Video and audio production and editing.

Decent memory for song lyrics from the specific period 1995 – 2000

I have a strong academic background.

Taking selfies that make me look attractive.

I have a certificate in photography.

Looking after adult children.

Appearing busy by moving around but actually just have a really short

attention span.

Solid research skills.

Pooing quietly.

Making lists.

Real life puzzles: I can McGyver the shit out of anything.

 

Personal Skills

I have a strong network of contacts in arts, culture and music.

Believable fake listening.

I have a very strong insider knowledge of Dublin through personal

experience.

Shutting down emotionally like a robot.

Flexibility and straight forward, honest communication.

Pretending I don’t have mental health issues.

I am willing and open to create content about subjects that I am

unfamiliar with.

Going out the night before and STILL going into work.

I have the creativity to explore different angles with topics that

others have covered before in a different way.

Not exploding.

Running away from problems.

Pretending that I’m thick so I don’t have to do things.

 
 

 EDUCATION

Trinity College, Dublin
PhD in English Literature,
[dropped out like a loser]
DIT Aungier Street, Dublin
MA in Media Studies, 2.1
IT Tallaght, Dublin
BA in Audio Visual Communications, 1.1
(pure fluke because I wrote a good thesis)
 

Rathmines Senior College

Certificate in Journalism, PR and Communications
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Essentially, I have spent 12 years in college accumulating
useless skills.
Whilst, I am moderately clever this relies highly
on my memory more than my actual capabilities and
allowed me to procrastinate
and not mature fully as an adult.

EMPLOYMENT

I will not list the 20+ jobs that I have also had over the

years as I seem unfocused and distracted. I have always

worked but I get very bored and change profession often. 

I promise to do the same for you in the future.

Freelance Journalist

I lie at home writing articles chain smoking.

This job enabled me to stay in my PJs for as long as possible

and masturbate whenever I want.

English Tutor, Dublin

2012 -2014

During this period I tutored students in Post-colonial Theory,

Popular Literature and Non-Realist Fiction.

I was completely out of my depth here.

Head Film Columnist for University Times

2013 -2014

‘Flick Support’ was the name, that I came up with,

of a column in the UT paper that offered both editorial

and longer feature articles that I was primarily responsible

for on a monthly basis.

This was unpaid, for experience, so it’s not real.

 

TV and Video Production Lecturer 

2007-2008

I was given completely free reign with designing a

course in TV and Video Production with a group of

ten students. I set them coursework, created a lesson plan

with easy-to-follow notes and corrected their end of year projects.

I just stayed one step ahead of the students. Literally one step.

Online Reviewer for sites.

2006-2010

During this period I volunteered writing reviews of albums

and films as allocated by my editors. I attended allocated

screenings chosen for me to review, wrote feature length

reviews on my own personal choices of films and from time

to time reviewed albums.

More free stuff. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Volunteer Presenter and Researcher

2005-2006

Directly after college I decided I would pursue experience

in the media so I initially worked for a  station that

mainly dealt with local issues – think Joe Duffy.

Information was sourced primarily from press releases sent to

the station. It was my job to develop these into segments for

various shows, present them and read the news.  I was

given the job of head researcher and presenter for

The Magazine Show, where I did the same but also sourced

completely different topics interviewed people live regarding

issues in Dublin.

Left because I was not getting the credit for doing 95% of the work

and because it was like the Joe Duffy show.

PERSONAL INTERESTS AND ACHIEVEMENTS

In 1995, I won first place in the annual competition for

making tiny car sounds in Ballyfermot. My personal interests

include playing hide and seek, thumb wrestling, writing erotic fiction,

drawing dicks on people when they are asleep and Scrabble.

I have been writing since I was tiny – you think I’d be good at it by now.

I’ve kept a child alive for a good few years, does that count as

an achievement? I’ve also managed to keep a super serial

secret about one of my friends for years – even though I’m

dying to tell everyone ALL THE TIME!

2000: First place creative writing award in Rathmines Senior College.

2014: Best kissing award.

REFERENCES:

Available on demand because I need to give my friends pretend to be my old boss.

 

 

 

 

Apr
24

baby

 

‘Bukkake is when multiple men love one woman and…’

Hahaha … nah – that’s not how it went down  I apparently did explain it to my chisler before but not like that.  Just so you know it was because it came up on a card in Cards Against Humanity and in the interest of honesty and openness I felt the need to tell him in a no-frills way what that meant.

So how did I get to the point where I don’t get embarrassed by sex talk with the kid?  Cos I feel like this is next level openness that would make a lot of people squirm.  I mean, I feel, it’s really important to be completely transparent with the kid, so that he isn’t scared of anything or awkward or ashamed or anything, and I also wanted to make sure that I never interrupt him or have to deal with the aftermath of said enjoyment.  It’s got to the point where I screamed at him not to go into a certain drawer in my room and he laughed saying ‘are there condoms in there?’ to which I sheepishly lied ‘yes.’

Ok firstly, have you met me?  If you have you know I’m a frigging open book and could potentially talk about sex stuff all day.  Thing is, I remember being traumatised by the conversation that I had about the birds and the bees with my mam.  I must have been like seven or something and had heard a woman give out to her son on some soap because he had got someone pregnant.  I followed my mam around for like two days constantly asking ‘how did he get her pregnant?’ and she fobbed me off as best she could.  But I was intrigued and relentless and finally, she gave up and explained.  SO after the basic facts were explained to me, and it seemed like a massive big deal, with a dropped jaw I asked if it hurt (because it totally sounded like that whichever way she explained it).  To which she replied with a gross little chuckle that still disturbs me ‘no’.  For days I couldn’t look at anyone with a penis.  I wouldn’t want that shit with my kid.

When he was tiny, about five or six, I decided to get it over with.  Sitting in the park I quickly explained the whole thing, thinking it would easier to get it over with sooner (and not make it sound like it fricking hurt).  ‘Any questions?’  I said somewhat apathetically afterwards and he said ‘nope’ and then we went to get ice cream.  I had contemplated if it went badly to just throw that Santa wasn’t real into the mix to throw the focus off the sex part – but it didn’t come to that thank fuck.  From there I made jokes about how he was conceived as the result of a terrible boating accident (it’s an elaborate story involving a bath and shame) but it made everything kind of funny and I could see after a while that the whole sex issue wasn’t a big deal to him.

Two years later and he’s accidentally seen a porn pop up of a lady giving some dude a blowie and because of our close relationship, I was able to wheedle that he had in fact seen it out of him.   Now, I’m not anti-porn my any stretch and it’s a fact of life that he was going to come across it.  I have some issues with certain things but overall it’s just a thing that’s there.  I just really wanted to make sure that he wasn’t mixing up fantasy and reality because this was so young and maybe it would skew his expectations of real life.  Porn wasn’t really a thing for me at all until I had been out riding at least six years so I wondered about the proliferation of porn and how that could have an impact on someone seeing it way before they would ever see another naked person in real life.  ‘It’s so unnatural – why would anyone want to put a willy in a mouth?’ he asked.  My reply was quick and to the point and something along the lines of ‘look it’s what happens sometimes.  You’ll probably want that when you’re older.  There’s nothing really wrong with it but you’re way too young to have seen that.  Also, that really isn’t like real life – people have way more hair on their bits.’  And that was that.

I wanted to remove the awkwardness and shame from the whole thing so that he wouldn’t end up having some kind of weird complex, but I didn’t want him frightened of it either.  I’ve told him it’s natural to be curious but that all this isn’t real life.  I’ve tried to make it as light-hearted as possible so that if he needs me that he’ll ask for my help.  I obviously want him to have his privacy but once the cards are on the table the stigma is removed.  We’re probably freakishly close and open and it might make people uncomfortable but I think it’s healthy enough like?

One tip though when talking to your kid that I would 100% advise is to not bring personal experience into it.  It brings the cringe factor in big time and to be honest it’s TMI even for me.  I remember going to the doctor when I was 16, asking for the morning after pill back when it was a bitch to get, (and also asking and being refused the normal pill but that’s another story) and telling the doctor that the condom split and he said ‘I hate it when that happens.’  And he was old and gross and I didn’t and still don’t want to picture that weird little man having sex.

‘Seriously you need to be careful when you start having sex, OK, Oscar?’ I said.  ‘You’re not at it now are ya?’

‘Don’t worry mam, I won’t get anyone up the duff’ he said smugly.

And then we laughed.  Oh how we laughed.

Am I doing this right?  Fucked if I know.

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