Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.



1: Not everyone feels the same way you do about things – we’re all different – so don’t assume that everyone will have the same priorities as you.

2: If you’re bursting for a wee walk in backwards to the bathroom and open your trousers before you even look at the toilet to avoid your bladder getting excited and pissing yourself.

3: Ask yourself questions before making a negative comment: What’s the point in saying this? Is there a positive suggestion to rectify the situation accompanying this statement? What is there to gain by saying this?

4: There is no point in fighting on the internet. Keep away from comment sections.

5: Compartmentalise every element of your life so if one part goes on fire that the whole thing doesn’t explode.

6: Don’t waste your time hating people. Complete waste of energy.

7: Looking back at past events can be helpful to avoid repetition. However, if you look back too much you won’t go anywhere else.

8: If you get a sweaty bum when sitting on a glossy surface before standing wipe your bum along the surface to remove the sweat shape of your arse.

9: Belly buttons are useful for storing shower gel when in the bath.

10: Instrumental music is a good background for creativity.

11: Getting up early is the only way to be productive.

12: You can’t give 100%, 100% of time. Aim for 50%, 75% of the time.

13: If you have to get up early but you’re locked sleep somewhere really uncomfortable so you wake up before your alarm.

14: Invest – at least equally – if not more, in platonic friendships – not romantic ones. You can get everything you need without being in a relationship, with lots of friends and sex toys.

15: Seriously, stop trying to rap. You’ve been doing this in private for years. You really can’t do it Caroline – get over it.

16: If you want to learn how to ‘network’ forget that fucking word and just try to make genuine human connections.

17: Accept that people don’t really know or understand you – and that’s fine – they don’t deserve that anyway.

18: Do not take kitchen knives out of their packaging and put them back in your backpack.

19: It’s better to want things than to need them. Other than essentials like food and shelter you don’t really need anything.

20: Social media can get you the ride if you play your cards right.

21: If you have heartburn in bed sleep on your left hand side.

22: Kegels are super important and do improve sex. They make your vag magic if you do them right.

23: Hug and cuddle people. Share beds with platonic friends and spoon. It’s lovely and releases oxytocin and makes ya happy and calm.

24: Laugh at people’s shite jokes – particularly men – they love that. Fragile dopes.

25: Disappear sometimes and don’t tell anyone where you are. Turn your phone off and all.

26: Being angry makes you more productive than being sad. If you work this out sooner rather than later you can turn loads of things around.

27: Constantly examine patterns in your life and if the same problems keep happening change that shit up.

28: If you’re feeling broody offer to babysit a child with colic. That’ll fix ya.

29: I don’t know if it’s just me but my period has gone nuts since I hit my thirties. If you’re like me for the first two days of the ‘red army’ hide away from anyone you may be likely to punch.

30: Eyebrows frame your face – have good eyebrows.

31: If someone touches someone from the waist down they probably fancy them.

32: Positivity is more productive than negativity, and in many cases, on a individual level, more conducive to eliciting a positive response or change.

33: If you fancy someone avoid them like the plague, unless you’re super drunk. You’ll just say something stupid anyway. At least you’ll have the excuse you were drunk.

34: Dick is abundant and of low value.

35: If attempting to pleasure a woman consistency of motion is very important. Don’t change things up just before she pops.

36: Reply to annoying messages with random facts about Skeletor or some rare parrot.

37: Expectations can ruin things so generally have none – just basics that need to be met.

38: Fear engulfment that comes with relationships. Maintain your own individuality and never expose vulnerabilities.

39: Bring up issues as soon as you can but when you feel you have processed enough emotionally to be rational.

40: Try to avoid raising your voice. Scream into a pillow later or have an angry wank later.

41: Never call a woman ‘loud’, ‘irrational’, ‘stupid’, ‘pig’ or ’emotional’ without expecting negative backlash you asshole. Never say she is ‘overreacting’ unless you want to see what overreacting actually looks like.

42: Sometimes people just want to vent – not for you to fix anything. If you don’t know what to say just actively listen.

43: Ask people questions about themselves to get to know them. I know this sounds obvious but there is literally no way of really getting to know someone without asking them things. It also shows you are interested in them.

44: Keep your coffee grounds in the fridge.

45: Always carry baby wipes. You’ll be grateful for them if there’s no jacks roll.

46: Toss a coin to make decisions like ‘who should I bring home tonight?’ or ‘should I leave my job?’

47: Let kitties come to you.

48: Show people how to make you happy in bed and if they react badly that’s their business.

49: People project onto each other loads. Listen to them. It’s not you, it’s them.

50: Avoid people who say all their ex-partners were crazy. The only common denominator there is them, innit?





A few people, (men obviously) have said to me recently that women never really say what they mean. I didn’t think this was a problem specific to women. I mean I’ve met men that expect you to be able to fucking mind read. I can’t speak for any other woman but my needs are basic – cuddles, orgasms, food, and chats – that’s pretty much it. Still, I suppose I’m a bit indirect.  Still apparently women speak this crazy code that men just can’t understand.  I suppose pleading ignorance makes it easier than actually learning how vaginas work though, eh?  Or just saying we’re crazy is easier than admitting that you’re actually just a lazy shit, ha?

Perhaps this reference chart can help you decipher the mystical female language that yiz are clearly too lazy to work out yisserselves (but I mean I’m only one woman):


I’m not angry with you


I’m not angry with you


Is that right, yeah?


Go fuck yourself, you’re so wrong


Are you happy?


Am I happy?


What do you think?


Make this decision please




Don’t push this issue


[Blows air like a horse from lips]


I thought we weren’t pushing                                                                                                        this issue.


I’m getting narky


You’re pissing me off. Stop.


It doesn’t matter


I think if we discussed this                                                                                                                    either we’ll end up fighting or                                                                                                            you can’t really help


State of ya


You’re adorable


Sorry I missed your call I was in the shower.


I was staring at my phone                                                                                                                     wondering why you rang.






Why bother even saying that?


I didn’t ask for your opinion


I’m crazy


I have a tendency to self-                                                                                                                      sabotage things because people                                                                                                          are turds and death awaits us                                                                                                              all anyway




I like you


[…..] UGH


Yeah, I like ya


[….] You’re OK, like


Ah, I probably                                                                                                                                      have proper feels


I couldn’t sleep


I am a bag of anxiety


I heard you before


Please do not repeat this story                                                                                                             again


Ah, I don’t want to talk about [insert specific issue]


I can only say nice things so I                                                                                                               need to just not talk about it.


[Shrieking noise]


DID YOU JUST TELL ME I WAS                                                                                                            OVERREACTING?!


Don’t be a sap


Cop on like.












No, unless you make it really                                                                                                               easy for me or you really want                                                                                                           to do it.


Go on, teach me something.




I’m crazy


I’m just warning you I have                                                                                                                 lots of feelings so you may                                                                                                                   have to reassure me a lot to                                                                                                                 calm me the fuck down.


I know.


Why are you explaining this                                                                                                                again?


Please stop talking.


I can’t hear myself think.


Are you annoyed with me?


I haven’t decided if I’m                                                                                                                           annoyed yet but your reaction                                                                                                             will dictate the outcome.


I’m a catch!


I’m not a catch – I was being                                                                                                               sarcastic.


I’m a bit overwhelmed


I’m going to have a breakdown.


It’s fine.


Seriously, it’s all good like.




Give me a hug or something.


I’ll be back in a while


Going to have a poop.


My tummy isn’t well.


I had the plops.


[Stares at something I can’t do]


Won’t ask for help but will                                                                                                                   stare at it till someone else                                                                                                                   offers.




If you touch me again… don’t…just don’t..




Pet me!


OK… (wary face)


What are you playing at?  Is                                                                                                                this a trap?

I realise now that I may be like a cat. Yup, I’m a cat. I’m not even a woman so perhaps this isn’t applicable to other women at all then.  Sorry for wasting your time – I guess you’ll never learn how women work now.



OK so I spend a lot of my time day dreaming.  Also,  I wanted to post something amusing for a change – or at least something that I find amusing.


Here is a list of words and phrases that I think should be used if they aren’t already:

freak out

‘Mind deaf’

When you cannot hear your own thoughts because someone is talking too much – usually a child or drunk person.

‘My head was wrecked because he just wouldn’t shut up.  I went completely mind deaf.’



An accidental older hipster, who doesn’t think they’re a hipster but they totally look like one and are kinda a dick.

‘Did you see him vaping outside the vegan restaurant talking about wind energy?’

What a dipster.’


‘Trench cunt’

Similar to ‘trench foot’, but obviously with a vagina.  When the area starts to go all weird from being too wet and goes all crinkley like you spent too long in the bath.  Very likely to lead to a urinary tract infection – so make sure you pee!

‘I can’t get comfortable today after all the bangs yesterday – I think I have trench cunt.’



A person who sits on the outside of the seat on a bus and/or has their bag still up on the seat when the bus is packed.

‘There were loads of bastards on the bus today and I couldn’t get a seat.’



A person who likes to interfere with whatever you are doing because they seem to think you can’t do anything correctly.

‘He kept coming in and trying to stir my shit when I was in the kitchen.  Fucking interferon.’


Old fashioned.’

A role play involving the man coming home drunk, shouting at his partner to get back in the kitchen, holding a picture of the Pope and taking his belt off to give her a good auld beating.

‘Ah man, I’m in bits today because I had an old fashioned last night.’


‘Deja vag’

The moment when you walk into a situation and notice that multiple of your past partners or people you’ve slept with (also known as the collective  ‘an awkward of exs’) are all around each other and talking.  You don’t know if they know about each other and you don’t like it or what they could be talking about.  You don’t like it one bit.

‘I got total deja vag last night and it feels like I heard the word anal mentioned.  I’m fucking mortified.’


‘Blackout bleeeeernds.’

This should just simply replace the normal noun of blackout blinds purely because it makes me laugh.  I burped trying to say blackout blinds before and it came out like this.  Now I can only say ‘blackout bleeeeernds.’

No example needed.



Use this word to deliberately infuriate a 14-year-old whilst playing chess with him, pretending you are thick, instead of the correct phrase ‘pawn.’

‘So the prawn can only move one space yeah?’


And the prawn can only move forward too yeah?’




When someone is super locko and going off on a diatribe that nobody either gets or is listening to.  Much like a monologue in Shakespearean plays.

‘He was pretty drunk.  He was all Shakespearing about the Celtic tiger and the crash… I think.’


Jambon Jovi.’

A cool name for a jambon.


‘Jammie dodger.’

Someone who won’t have sex with someone when they have their period.

‘I have such a horn on me but the red army has come to visit.’

‘Oh is he a jammie dodger?’

(Insert sad face here)


‘Amusement park’

A person you would ride continuously for the weekend but never again.  Possibly involving pre-emptive purchase of the morning after pill.

‘They’re not really relationship material to be honest.  And that’s not what I was looking for anyway but they are a decent amusement park.’


‘Hangover horn’

I’m pretty sure people use this but had to explain this concept to someone recently.  Upon awakening after an excessive night of drinking, filled with fear and a headache, there is a massive rise in vulnerability and libido.   This sometimes results in a worsening of the symptoms of the hangover but is an urge that is very hard to resist.

‘I had the worst hangover horn ever this morning.  After I had that bang I puked.’


‘Ghost whispering’

When you hear someone say the exact thing you said as if it was their idea in the first place.

‘That motherfucking prick is passing my idea off as his own about my podcast!  What am I?  The fucking ghost whisperer?’



When someone messages you that you don’t like and you pretend you got a new phone in the hopes that they’ll get the message.








Safety is a fundamental human need, yeah?  To feel secure and cosy.  Children unquestioningly have this blind faith, trust and reliance on their parents to do the right things for them – to keep them safe and protect them.  We are their role models, we need to be strong and show them not to take shit, but we also need to shield them.  At the same time parents (and I’m including myself here clearly) have an obligation to teach them how to protect themselves, because the world isn’t going to change for your child but your child clearly needs to be tough enough to be able to deal with the shite life throws up at you.

These thoughts passed through my mind as I looked at the snow from inside my house and compared the relatively calm looking snow with the weather warnings.


Someone told me the other day that I was an optimistic person which I found, to be quite frank, fucking redonkulous.  The world is a scary place and I’ve been scared, or at least super apprehensive, quite a lot in my lifetime.  It’s nearly become a complete exhaustive way of life at times.  And, this isn’t based on the bullshit that the tabloids would spew to instil fear into you – it’s based on life experience.  It has only occurred to me in the last few years that I rarely feel safe any more and I can’t remember the last time I did.

What’s your agenda?  Is this a load of lies?  Should I be left alone with this person?  How can I escape if I need to?  I should just leave.  I should just go before I get hurt.

So, yeah I’m bit of a paranoid person, perhaps.  Despite what you might think though, I’m observant – most certainly when it comes to people.  You can’t write properly without being observant to a certain degree, or at least look at things in a different way to most people.  I can see those little microexpressions, I can feel the tension in a room and I’m always on the lookout – because my dear dear friends – the world isn’t safe and people are shit.  I can tell when a fight is about to brew.  I can see when someone is in a bad mood and volatile.  I can predict whether someone is whispering shite about me or someone I care about.  I’m nearly always right too, as much as I wish I wasn’t, because things nearly always go the way I predict.  I wish I was fucking oblivious.  I wish I didn’t care.

You might think I seem relaxed but I’m not.  Even my baseline for being relaxed is really skewed.  I think the easiest way to try to describe how I feel is to get you to imagine waiting to be punched.  Maybe it’s like a second before the fist gets your face.  Imagine that anticipation for a long extended period of time.  You’re trapped in this perpetual limbo of agony.  I sound like a squirrely motherfucker don’t I? Inside I am.

And what do I do?  Freeze – play dead – literally in some cases because I can’t process stress or if I feel in super danger (or more likely someone I care about) fight mode is activated.  This is normal, I think – yeah?  The whole fight or flight thing?  But imagine someone shouting at you and literally shutting down like a powered off robot.  Well either that or just burn everything to the ground and walk away.  At best it permeates so much through my regular life that I try and avoid situations where I feel vulnerable – not so much in a physical (although that does happen) but emotionally.  So how close can you get to that, eh?

Being frightened a lot of the time and withdrawing can be exhausting.  Or constantly waiting for shit to go down isn’t really conducive to being productive – unless you want to actually run and I never do that so….  I’ve kinda tried adopting robot mode generally.  It’s super rare I trust anyone properly anyway and I don’t feel like I’ve ever really been protected so I’ve learned to protect myself.  You can’t expose that super raw little underbelly of mine – oh no!

Let’s keep it fluffy and light, eh?  I mean constant reassurance and cuddles and slowly gaining my trust with inciteful conversation could help – but seriously who has time to do that like?  And I’m not a needy fucker but that seems like I’m totally on needy street right there.

Seriously, the media are crazy for making us terrified at every single turn.  Murder, war, recession, homelessness, joblessness, rape, abuse, healthcare, pandemics….


You can’t look anywhere without fear being sold to you.  Well, maybe more even forced on you.  And scared people are easier to control.  Talk to them with any authority and they’ll let you make decisions for them.  Seriously, wear people down enough and they’re easy as fuck to manipulate.  Especially, if it seems like you’ve got the situation handled.

All I can hope in many ways that my ultra vigilance in many ways (cos although my anxiety is at an all-time low it’s inherently still a massive part of me) protects my kid and that he feels safe.

If you don’t understand these feelings still – even objectively – you might need to take a step back before casting judgement.  I still feel sometimes that people just don’t get how paralysing feeling like this can be at times and a lot of the time I feel like my feelings are invalidated or dismissed.  And there’s only so much of that I can take when I expose a tiny tiny bit of that raw underbelly only to hear that it’s not a big deal.  If you can’t empathise, try to sympathise, yeah?  You’d be a bit nuts too if you felt like this (with good fucking reason).







We’ve all reached points when suddenly we know that a date or early stage relationship isn’t going to work.  Sometimes it makes sense, like seeing some red flags, and other times it can be a strange arbitrary thing – like not liking her eyeliner or laugh.  I’m not saying I’m cool or above criticism but here are a few of the things that I have encountered that have made me reconsider seeing said person ever again.  Most of these are from my 30’s too, a time when I’m way less likely to waste time and spot signals that lead to bad places, but some of them are just stupid things that I couldn’t get over.  I am a fickle creature.  I know, I’m SUCH a catch!

I’m a dick, I get it.


They told me I was a good ‘draw-er’.

During sexy times, they continuously pinched the backs of my knees.

They said ‘but it’s normal for girls not to orgasm most of the time’ and seemed to use it as an excuse not to try.

He kept talking about his J1.

Told me that women need to be ’emotionally connected to the person’ to have sex with them.

They couldn’t pronounce ‘daiquiri’ and for some reason, ‘da-queer-ee’ really bugged me.

On a first date when I went to the bathroom they screamed ‘please come back’ at me and everyone looked.

They asked me if I wanted to go for a jog in the morning.

They seemed annoyed that I wasn’t a real red head.

They told me that my face was asymmetrical.

When they got a horrible haircut.

When they told me I had a horrible haircut – but my hair was nice.

They asked me if I’d been in prison.

They said ‘guys can finger girls, but girls can’t wank dudes.’  Tell that to my sore vag,           dude.

All their last girlfriends were ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’.

Accused me of posting pictures of them on the internet while they slept.

Repeated use of the phrase ‘I am a man’ or ‘I am nice.’

They said: ‘People kept saying she was retarded – she wasn’t – it’s just the education             system in America is really bad.’

I saw socks and sandals.

They asked me to let them piss on me.

She wouldn’t stop talking about her ex.

They told me they hated falafel like it would mortally wound me.

Criticised my parenting.

They wouldn’t let me talk.

Showed up for food with no money and didn’t tell me till we were paying so I had to pay for them as well.  I don’t mind paying for my own shit, don’t get me wrong – but I wouldn’t show up with no money.

Got angry when I said I was considering piercing my septum.

They were too sensitive about me making requests for stuff in the bedroom and took everything as a criticism.

Said sex once a week would be enough.

They mentioned marriage.

Clearly did not listen to a word I said.

They made too much of a point saying that looks aren’t everything.

After an ‘accident’ kept asking me to let them know if there was ‘any news.’

Thought that we pee out our vaginas.  They were in their late 30’s.

I realised I didn’t like the smell of their sweat

They shouted ‘how many orgasms did you have?’ at me in a cafe.  I’d had none.

They asked if we were exclusive after 3 dates.

They bought me flowers from a petrol station.

Thought Mrs Brown’s Boys was funny.

Explained women to me.

I realised they looked like Bryan Adams.

They insulted me all night, talked over me, told me to ‘shut up’ and then tried to kiss me in a fridge in Centra while I was trying to grab chocolate milk.

They never asked me any questions about me.

When I returned to the house after 12 hours they were in the exact same position as when I had left them.  This happened every day.

They were forceful about getting nudes.

When they told me I had lovely blue eyes.  They’re green.

Got angry because I didn’t reply straight away.

They opened a wallet stuffed with cash deliberately slowly in front of me.

They laughed about giving an ex an STI.

‘Should you be eating that?’

Pretended they knew what a clitoris was – cos they clearly didn’t.

Other things that could be added to this list include messaging me a minimum of 20 times an hour, ringing me in the middle of the night AND scratching right inside their butthole in front of me (and smelling their hand).  Get ta fuck like.







To whom it may concern,


I’m only applying for this job in the hopes that you turn me down because I just want to tell people that I have been looking for ‘gainful employment’.  I would much rather gouge my own eyes out than work for you, but, if you decide I have ‘what it takes’ I can promise you that I will work moderately hard for the first few months until I inevitably get bored and leave.  I won’t thank you for minimum wage and obviously resent being micromanaged to the point that you won’t want to talk to me anymore. 

I have terrible communication skills due to actually being a nervous introvert who unfortunately gets pegged as an extrovert all the time.  I am incapable of small talk.  Don’t worry though, I won’t ride anyone in the office either, or if I do you’ll never find out.  

I think my greatest accomplishment is actually preventing others around me from being productive.  You want to have races on the wheeled chairs or see who can put the most pegs on their face – I am your woman.

Please find my CV attached.

Fuck you,

Caroline Egan


Caroline Egan

DOB:  I’m probably too old for this job.

The 5th address I’ve had in 4 years, fuck everything, Dublin.

Technical Skills

I am proficient in editing, correcting grammar and syntax.

I am a regular user of online resources such as WordPress, Facebook, Twitter, Quora and Instagram – but really I just spend ages refreshing Facebook pages and snooping people.

I have a proven track record in meeting deadlines – no matter how tight.

Conflict resolution – between intoxicated people.

Have learned strong digital marketing skills with Facebook, Adwords etc.

Video and audio production and editing.

Decent memory for song lyrics from the specific period 1995 – 2000

I have a strong academic background.

Taking selfies that make me look attractive.

I have a certificate in photography.

Looking after adult children.

Appearing busy by moving around but actually just have a really short

attention span.

Solid research skills.

Pooing quietly.

Making lists.

Real life puzzles: I can McGyver the shit out of anything.


Personal Skills

I have a strong network of contacts in arts, culture and music.

Believable fake listening.

I have a very strong insider knowledge of Dublin through personal


Shutting down emotionally like a robot.

Flexibility and straight forward, honest communication.

Pretending I don’t have mental health issues.

I am willing and open to create content about subjects that I am

unfamiliar with.

Going out the night before and STILL going into work.

I have the creativity to explore different angles with topics that

others have covered before in a different way.

Not exploding.

Running away from problems.

Pretending that I’m thick so I don’t have to do things.



Trinity College, Dublin
PhD in English Literature,
[dropped out like a loser]
DIT Aungier Street, Dublin
MA in Media Studies, 2.1
IT Tallaght, Dublin
BA in Audio Visual Communications, 1.1
(pure fluke because I wrote a good thesis)

Rathmines Senior College

Certificate in Journalism, PR and Communications
Essentially, I have spent 12 years in college accumulating
useless skills.
Whilst, I am moderately clever this relies highly
on my memory more than my actual capabilities and
allowed me to procrastinate
and not mature fully as an adult.


I will not list the 20+ jobs that I have also had over the

years as I seem unfocused and distracted. I have always

worked but I get very bored and change profession often. 

I promise to do the same for you in the future.

Freelance Journalist

I lie at home writing articles chain smoking.

This job enabled me to stay in my PJs for as long as possible

and masturbate whenever I want.

English Tutor, Dublin

2012 -2014

During this period I tutored students in Post-colonial Theory,

Popular Literature and Non-Realist Fiction.

I was completely out of my depth here.

Head Film Columnist for University Times

2013 -2014

‘Flick Support’ was the name, that I came up with,

of a column in the UT paper that offered both editorial

and longer feature articles that I was primarily responsible

for on a monthly basis.

This was unpaid, for experience, so it’s not real.


TV and Video Production Lecturer 


I was given completely free reign with designing a

course in TV and Video Production with a group of

ten students. I set them coursework, created a lesson plan

with easy-to-follow notes and corrected their end of year projects.

I just stayed one step ahead of the students. Literally one step.

Online Reviewer for sites.


During this period I volunteered writing reviews of albums

and films as allocated by my editors. I attended allocated

screenings chosen for me to review, wrote feature length

reviews on my own personal choices of films and from time

to time reviewed albums.


Volunteer Presenter and Researcher


Directly after college I decided I would pursue experience

in the media so I initially worked for a  station that

mainly dealt with local issues – think Joe Duffy.

Information was sourced primarily from press releases sent to

the station. It was my job to develop these into segments for

various shows, present them and read the news.  I was

given the job of head researcher and presenter for

The Magazine Show, where I did the same but also sourced

completely different topics interviewed people live regarding

issues in Dublin.

Left because I was not getting the credit for doing 95% of the work

and because it was like the Joe Duffy show.


In 1995, I won first place in the annual competition for

making tiny car sounds in Ballyfermot. My personal interests

include playing hide and seek, thumb wrestling, writing erotic fiction,

drawing dicks on people when they are asleep and Scrabble.

I have been writing since I was tiny – you think I’d be good at it by now.

I’ve kept a child alive for a good few years, does that count as

an achievement? I’ve also managed to keep a super serial

secret about one of my friends for years – even though I’m

dying to tell everyone ALL THE TIME!

2000: First place creative writing award in Rathmines Senior College.

2014: Best kissing award.


Available on demand because I need to give my friends pretend to be my old boss.








‘Bukkake is when multiple men love one woman and…’

Hahaha … nah – that’s not how it went down  I apparently did explain it to my chisler before but not like that.  Just so you know it was because it came up on a card in Cards Against Humanity and in the interest of honesty and openness I felt the need to tell him in a no-frills way what that meant.

So how did I get to the point where I don’t get embarrassed by sex talk with the kid?  Cos I feel like this is next level openness that would make a lot of people squirm.  I mean, I feel, it’s really important to be completely transparent with the kid, so that he isn’t scared of anything or awkward or ashamed or anything, and I also wanted to make sure that I never interrupt him or have to deal with the aftermath of said enjoyment.  It’s got to the point where I screamed at him not to go into a certain drawer in my room and he laughed saying ‘are there condoms in there?’ to which I sheepishly lied ‘yes.’

Ok firstly, have you met me?  If you have you know I’m a frigging open book and could potentially talk about sex stuff all day.  Thing is, I remember being traumatised by the conversation that I had about the birds and the bees with my mam.  I must have been like seven or something and had heard a woman give out to her son on some soap because he had got someone pregnant.  I followed my mam around for like two days constantly asking ‘how did he get her pregnant?’ and she fobbed me off as best she could.  But I was intrigued and relentless and finally, she gave up and explained.  SO after the basic facts were explained to me, and it seemed like a massive big deal, with a dropped jaw I asked if it hurt (because it totally sounded like that whichever way she explained it).  To which she replied with a gross little chuckle that still disturbs me ‘no’.  For days I couldn’t look at anyone with a penis.  I wouldn’t want that shit with my kid.

When he was tiny, about five or six, I decided to get it over with.  Sitting in the park I quickly explained the whole thing, thinking it would easier to get it over with sooner (and not make it sound like it fricking hurt).  ‘Any questions?’  I said somewhat apathetically afterwards and he said ‘nope’ and then we went to get ice cream.  I had contemplated if it went badly to just throw that Santa wasn’t real into the mix to throw the focus off the sex part – but it didn’t come to that thank fuck.  From there I made jokes about how he was conceived as the result of a terrible boating accident (it’s an elaborate story involving a bath and shame) but it made everything kind of funny and I could see after a while that the whole sex issue wasn’t a big deal to him.

Two years later and he’s accidentally seen a porn pop up of a lady giving some dude a blowie and because of our close relationship, I was able to wheedle that he had in fact seen it out of him.   Now, I’m not anti-porn my any stretch and it’s a fact of life that he was going to come across it.  I have some issues with certain things but overall it’s just a thing that’s there.  I just really wanted to make sure that he wasn’t mixing up fantasy and reality because this was so young and maybe it would skew his expectations of real life.  Porn wasn’t really a thing for me at all until I had been out riding at least six years so I wondered about the proliferation of porn and how that could have an impact on someone seeing it way before they would ever see another naked person in real life.  ‘It’s so unnatural – why would anyone want to put a willy in a mouth?’ he asked.  My reply was quick and to the point and something along the lines of ‘look it’s what happens sometimes.  You’ll probably want that when you’re older.  There’s nothing really wrong with it but you’re way too young to have seen that.  Also, that really isn’t like real life – people have way more hair on their bits.’  And that was that.

I wanted to remove the awkwardness and shame from the whole thing so that he wouldn’t end up having some kind of weird complex, but I didn’t want him frightened of it either.  I’ve told him it’s natural to be curious but that all this isn’t real life.  I’ve tried to make it as light-hearted as possible so that if he needs me that he’ll ask for my help.  I obviously want him to have his privacy but once the cards are on the table the stigma is removed.  We’re probably freakishly close and open and it might make people uncomfortable but I think it’s healthy enough like?

One tip though when talking to your kid that I would 100% advise is to not bring personal experience into it.  It brings the cringe factor in big time and to be honest it’s TMI even for me.  I remember going to the doctor when I was 16, asking for the morning after pill back when it was a bitch to get, (and also asking and being refused the normal pill but that’s another story) and telling the doctor that the condom split and he said ‘I hate it when that happens.’  And he was old and gross and I didn’t and still don’t want to picture that weird little man having sex.

‘Seriously you need to be careful when you start having sex, OK, Oscar?’ I said.  ‘You’re not at it now are ya?’

‘Don’t worry mam, I won’t get anyone up the duff’ he said smugly.

And then we laughed.  Oh how we laughed.

Am I doing this right?  Fucked if I know.



Something really weird happened the other day, possibly because it was nearly my birthday or some song triggered something in my head that made everything realign. I’m not going to say I’m ‘cured’ of self-doubt and my mental problems, but now all of sudden, they’re manageable. I mean I’m still messy – I mean I could spend less time on the interwebs, could eat better and exercise more and probably drink a bit less – but nobody’s perfect, wha? Whatever the fuck happened anyway it was like a massive weight lifted off me and I realised that I have developed some serious skillz when it comes to improving myself and that I’m going to continue to do it. I gave myself a little pat on the back for coming so far. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of myself exactly but my confidence is improving on a daily basis and my head is way less full of fuck.

A year ago I was half the person I am now (not physically though, somehow I’ve lost weight without actually trying). I was completely ground down, completely stressed out, drinking an insane amount, in a bad relationship with the life literally being sucked out of me. I had no motivation, very little self-esteem left, no focus, regular panic attacks and was actually reaching a serious low in my life. I won’t even get into the specifics because it was really bad and I withdrew from most of the people I knew and became a bit of a recluse. This wasn’t purely down to the crappy relationship (but it was a big part of it) because I think I was in denial about other previous issues that I didn’t want to face.

So what happened? How did I become this beaming ray of positivity that you see before you? How did I change myself back into a bad ass? How did I make the anxiety subside? Also, how did I start managing and regulating my feelings – bearing in mind that I’m highly sensitive, empathetic and anxious? Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect, and hopefully, this doesn’t seem like a massive self-indulgent and congratulatory post but maybe, just maybe, some of this might help someone else. Here’s a list of some of the things that I did that have cleared my head up. In fairness, this whole process took me about eight months, but I’m better than I have been in a long time.

Asked for help

This is not something I could’ve done before and considering I don’t really trust many people it was pretty hard. Even out of some weird kinda pride thing I wouldn’t generally ask people for any kind of help, or maybe because I thought I didn’t have any support open to me, or maybe I thought nobody gave a shit. But I did. I asked two people and went to therapy (at a cheap rate). And it all helped and the people that helped are greatly appreciated.  I stopped moping and moaning, used the talks for the heavy shit and stopped internalising some pretty bad stuff.


Rebuilt confidence/ Self-esteem

Initially, I couldn’t name one thing that I liked about myself when asked but now I’m starting to be able to see good things. I stopped comparing myself to other people full stop. I stopped looking at other people to tell me how much worth I have. You ever hear the phrase along the lines of ‘don’t place your happiness in anyone else’s hands’ – well, it’s true because people are dopes and it’s pretty much my mantra now. If you look to other people to tell you who you are or aren’t or what worth you have, you have no control over your own narrative and identity. I mean, obviously if people tell you that you’re shit every day it’s going to have an impact on you, so you need to control the narrative by telling your story and cutting the negativity loose.  Cut the fuckers out!

While I know I can’t control everything I am aware that there are things within my control. A massive source of my confidence comes particularly from my independence and ability to solve problems on my own. There is some strange satisfaction in my completion of tasks and taking charge of my own life again completely, and that makes it harder for new people to get in because if I’m honest there’s not a whole bunch anyone can give me that I can’t give myself. That’s not to say I don’t want to let people in eventually but it will be a cold day in fucking hell before I rely on another human being ever again. In saying that, my main focus was platonic relationships and making those connections stronger, and I do have lots of lovely people around me now.


Numbed myself

This was super important in the aftermath of everything and seems very extreme, but you know what? My feelings are super extreme. Most people would say that going on copious amounts of dates (this might be a funny blog in itself) to fill up your time and stop yourself being bored is a bad thing. I disagree. I went out and had fun, met new people, did all the bold things, I travelled the country, met up with friends with good connections, did everything that I wanted when I wanted, drank, kissed, attempted flirting (I still don’t think I can) and danced like a fucker. I did all of this until I grew tired of it, having had enough and was bored of dates and men being dopes and decided to just take my good stories with me and refocus my attention elsewhere. I was messy, there’s no denying it but it was fun, although not sustainable and I had some great fun. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or something to fill up all the empty space – I was trying to literally just have fun until I knew I had to cop on. I genuinely smiled and laughed and started to think about how I couldn’t be as shit as I thought I was.





Maybe it was a case of fake it until you make though, eh? Making myself this tired because I super went out loads shut down all my feelings – which for me is excellent – there was just one problem with this (and it still is a bit of an issue) and that is that they’re still shut off. I mean, this is great for being productive (maybe not so much creative though) as I got some clarity. It was like I disconnected an overloaded plugboard, but in the process, I disconnected everything. I stopped caring about the majority of things. So now, I’ve got this crazy wall up around me for the first time in a long time but maybe this is how a ‘normal’ person feels all the time.


Became more assertive

I’m not thick. I know when someone is taking the piss out of me. I can read a room. I can tell what people are feeling. I’m decent at reading people. You’d think I’d be super manipulative with this but I’m not – I use my powers for good, not evil. Disconnecting my feelings made me a bit more objective. I’ve kinda had to become a bit more selfish though. I like looking after people but now I won’t do it if they’re actually harming me or cherry-picking facts to support how I’m shit. You can’t fill a black hole with niceties, no matter how hard you try. So, I’ve told people to fuck off and played, as diplomatically as I can, to my strengths. I learned to say shit out loud when it bothered me pretty much straight away. I’ve cut out crap and I’ve told people when they’ve pissed me off rather than seething silently. I’ve taken opportunities when I’ve seen them and been as direct as I can to get what I think would benefit me. I’ve walked away from stupid arguments and not given it a second thought. Fuck it, I’ve looked after other people’s needs for way too long – time to do what betters my situation.


I am now a robot with no feels.

Spent time alone and became more positive

After having all the fun I spent a lot of time on my own. Even when I was ‘having fun’ there were still lengthy time periods that I had on my own that I didn’t before. Initially, I was at a loss what to do, watching Netflix for ages and dwelling on shit I didn’t want to, but then I suddenly became more proactive. I remembered that I love my own company. I started writing more, reading more, drawing, walking and refused to let the past determine my future. I made lists of people and things that I am grateful for and started making an effort with my appearance again. I made playlists of music to make me happier and slowly but surely let go of things. I could do whatever I wanted now and there is no reason to ever be bored. I thought about what scared me and decided whether to avoid it or force myself into it. I filled up all the space with things that I wanted to do and had enough free time to empty my clusterfuck of a head. I remembered who I was and what makes me me. I considered options in my life and made some headway with my impulsive actions. I focused on several things I’d like to change and thought about how I could do this for me and Oscar. Now, it’s hard for me to stay still for a day and my head is full of ideas and positive things to do.

I’m not saying that any of these things will work for anyone else and I’m definitely not saying I’m 100% now or anything or that I won’t fecking relapse. I mean there are things I’m scared of such as anything 6 months in the future or moving again or my proper feelings coming back. I’m still somewhat concerned, although to a much lesser extent, of what people think of me BUT I haven’t cried in weeks and I have a lot to be grateful for. I’m coming back to myself resilient as fuck and I’m not staying lodged in the bullshit of the past. Lesson learned like and I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I’ll still drink too much and swear too much but in the grand scheme of things I’ve improved, and will continue to do so, so much that I’m nearly a different person than I was last year.  Maybe the magic mushrooms have something to do with it too actually… but maybe that’s for another day.




I haven’t written in a while but this has been bugging me for years.  In this blog post I will attempt to discuss how Shaggy’s 2000 hit ‘It Wasn’t Me’ is extremely problematic – not only because of its inherent misogyny, but also, and mostly, its complete lack of logic.  My point is essentially to highlight how nonsensical this entire song is.

The song features vocals from English-Jamaican singer Rikrok. The lyrics are about a man asking his friend what to do after his girlfriend caught him having sex with another woman. For those of you who have never encountered this playful song I have included the video below.

And now for my thoughts:


‘How you can grant your woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Let’s review the situation that you’re caught up inna
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say a night, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say
And if she claims ah you tell her baby no way’


The misogyny is rife in this one.  Women clearly are just dangerous when they’re angry because you’ve been motherfuckin’ gas lighting them.  How dare you be a stupid man that gives a key to your girlfriend?  How dare you?!  Even the part ‘if she say a night, convince her say a day’ drips of emotional manipulation. I mean, I suppose if you’re into the ‘game’ and just getting your hole fine – but messing with people’s heads is pretty shitty, no?  I know it’s a playful song, but this screams abusive relationship.  Shaggy you are a mean man.


‘Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Banging on the bathroom floor
I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn’t me’


She won’t believe you because you were riding the woman in front of her, ye dope.  Also why were ya riding on the bathroom floor?  That’s a nasty gross place filled with germs.  And how did you try to keep her from seeing it exactly?  By trying to schedule different times. Man, yer a bleeding dope.


When I look at these lyrics I really can’t understand the logic of his friend’s advice:


‘But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)’


How can you honestly look at someone ‘bangin’ on the counter’ and they reply that it wasn’t them in the past tense.  Is he advising his friend to look at his girlfriend whilst banging another person and tell her that he isn’t him in the past tense?  I mean the other option is to say ‘it isn’t me’ which is not a great option either unless his body had been taken over by an alien or you have an evil twin that likes to ride people in yer gaff, but even saying that it isn’t you means essentially that it is.  Surely being caught red handed actually makes the entire thing irrefutable?  Seriously, this entire thing kept me awake at night.


‘She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn’t me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn’t me)
Heard the screams get louder (It wasn’t me)
She stayed until it was over’


Jesus dude, you were caught loads.  How did she get that far with you?  Is she really that stupid?  Also, it is pretty obvious that the marks on your shoulder weren’t from you either, were they?  So you just admitted someone else marked your shoulder by saying ‘it wasn’t me’.  And if your lady stayed until the whole thing was over (pretty nice of her by the way, but maybe she was confused and thought you were wrestling) again there’s irrefutable evidence, yeah?  Did she watch you in the all the places listed in the song in one go or was this over the period of a few weeks where she’d sneak in to watch you guys ride and then suddenly appear?  Like why at least did you not change your MO after she caught you the first time?


‘Gonna tell her that I’m sorry
For the pain that I’ve caused
I’ve been listening to your reasoning
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I’m sorry
For the pain that I’ve caused
You may think that you’re a player
But you’re completely lost
That’s why I sing’

At least we can see that this guy can see that Shaggy’s advice is pure bollox with ‘it makes no sense at all’.  It doesn’t make any sense.  He’s right.  Although why did he let him go on singing/advising him with gibberish?  I’m sure Shaggy thinks by confusing women that you can get away with anything.  Ah poor Shaggy.  Maybe Shaggy started to slowly lose his mind at this point in his life and Rikrok was just humouring him (‘let the auld fella talk shite – sure nobody even understands him anyway’). I don’t want to get hung up on semantics (but I totally am) but that was the most bothersome part of the entire defence.

I would hope Rikrok would apologise to be fair.  Although, by his definition he is not a player.  But Rikrok you were banging people all over the gaff – you’ve listed the bathroom floor, the counter, the shower and even on the camera (where exactly, unless you were literally on the camera?) – That sounds a bit like you are a player to me.  ‘But you’re completely lost/That’s why I sing’ – you’re right Rikrok, I am completely lost.  You were banging all over the gaff, but it wasn’t you in the past tense or perhaps you at all, despite being caught ‘red-handed’ and you’re not a player so you sing about the things that you do that could be construed as you being a player.  And Rikrok, you’re only sorry cos you got caught.


ARGH!  If you liked this song I hope I ruined it on you because I can’t get past these stupid lyrics.





If you died what would your instructions be?

Rena, clear out the middle drawer in my bedroom before anyone can see and scream at my body in the church saying that bit out of My Girl ‘She can’t see without her glasses!’ Also, put googley eyes on my body in the coffin.

“What is the nature of God, is God really dead or just sleeping?” (and yes, I realize that is really 3 questions, but I figured the Trinity model was most apt)

I’d say I’m agnostic but that’s possibly more hopeful than anything. So, honestly, I think I am going to answer all three questions like this:

God is a social construct to make us feel like we have order in our lives. That’s fine if it gives you a moral compass or whatever or some way of sorting out the way that life is unfair but I don’t believe in things that project some kind of reward and punishment in the chaos of real life. Like the universe does not restore itself. God isn’t asleep, dead or ignoring us – he’s not there. I think it is a bit dangerous to think that the order is maintained on a moral level in the universe – just look at animals like. As much as I would like to believe in a cosmic being looking after us it really isn’t a thing, because all the bastards get to keep being bastards and nothing happens. The universe just is – it doesn’t have morals and ‘karma’ is a stupid concept too created in order to make us feel like there will be justice.

Why have people allowed let social media give them a self-entitlement? It has made the vast majority of society obnoxious. It was meant to be social.

Because social media allows everyone to hide and/or say shit that they wouldn’t in person. Assholes can feel brave or people don’t think through the repercussions of what they say. And people can pick holes with every single little thing that people say and get overblown angry about it. I think it might be calming down a little though – or maybe that’s just my experience now because not many people that I’m friends with seem to be fighting anymore. I keep away from comment sections and unless someone brings it to my door I don’t go looking for fights.

There is no point talking about things being ‘too PC’ or ‘stop being offended’ because when people start saying that shit I start to think that they’re a dick. Maybe people shouldn’t be dicks BUT I think a lot of people need to grow thicker skins too and choose their battles. Not everything has to be a massive issue. We need to all toughen up because we can’t change society. People are inherently dicks so just be prepared for that.


Do you hate men?

No. I like men. I’m wary of men. I’m aware that not all men are pricks but I’m also aware that life for a man is very different than it is for a woman. I’m not an angry feminist but I’ll point out your shit and I’m aware that there are different factors involved than just gender. Hate is a very strong word anyway.

Watching small children eat makes me dry-heave and I have to leave the room. Apparently (source-my mother) thinks this is weird and unnatural. I disagree.

Specifically small children? It doesn’t extend to adults? If it was everyone I guess it would make sense. If it’s also purely a noise thing you could have ‘misophonia’, where you can get super distressed from it. I guess children eating are super messy and whilst it may not be usual, it makes sense. As long as you don’t puke on them it’s fine.

Introvert or extrovert?

I think I’m more of an introvert, with some extrovert parts. I like my own company an awful lot to be honest and silence/music of my choosing makes me very content. I prefer small groups of people and smoking areas than big parties or dance floors and although I am relatively confident I’m quite shy unless I’m drunk.

img_1626What gives you the horn?

Music. Beards. Ginger girls. People with nice shaped hands. Good chats. Nice kissing. Biting.

Without going into too much detail I got bored of porn a long time ago but I like erotic fiction.

Who’s the sexiest of all fictional extraterrestrials?

E.T.?! With that glowy finger. Crazy foreplay sessions.

Where do you feel you are politically?

I’m a leftie. Clearly, but I think the left has kinda gone a bit awry getting hung up on semantics, calling people out unfairly and alienating people that could potentially be our allies/converts. I think Ireland has a good mix of socialism and capitalism but could do better and perhaps place more of an emphasis on the socialism aspect and less on looking after the already rich. A combination of both models to look after everyone and encourage growth would be ideal in my mind. But hey, what do I know? I’m not an economist. Nobody should be left behind though.
Do you think Leo Varadkar abuses himself with a Maggie Thatcher sex toy? Because imo he already has enough of that evil cow inside him as it is.

Probably. He’s a total fool that appears to be liberal but clearly isn’t. Going after social welfare fraud but not bankers, landlords and builders, who have cost this country more is just misdirecting anger towards people who can’t defend themselves.

I would suspect that his dildo may be more Maggie Thatcher influenced in shape than her actual shape though as the head would be a problematic shape for entering the anus without a serious amount of bum training and lube.

Try reading this: I’d like to know what you think.

Is this about euthanasia (don’t know if I spelt that right?)? Or at least the idea that you can choose to die? Everyone should have that choice if (and when) things get too much for them when they’re seriously unwell.

What are your plans for the future?

I am planning on releasing a sequel to Fahckmylife later this year but I’ll possibly have to start a Fundit again to try and get it to a bigger audience. I’m also toying with the idea of a book or short stories and possibly another of filth fiction under a pen name (but this seems a bit daunting).

If you mean more in general, I’m not sure.  Something, something robots…

Give me an analysis on the fuckability of people with awful politics, I am sure you could say something about that.

I guess it depends on what constitutes bad politics and what you’re looking for from them. If it’s just a ride whatever like, although that rules it out going much deeper. If I thought someone was cool and their worldview ended up very different to mine, which I’ve noticed has happened, it’s disappointing and will probably end badly. That said how deep are you going to go with someone prior to a ride? I’m not going to talk to them about abortion or whatever beforehand. If it was more in relationship way they probably would have to have a similar (not completely the same mind you) mindset to mine for it to work.

What about Dirty Harry’s fucking paperwork?

He played by his own rules. Also, I doubt he’d be able to see without his glasses – you see how much he squints? And Dirty Harry with glasses doing paperwork just wouldn’t have the same impact.


What’s your biggest regret?

Not valuing myself enough to get out of certain situations sooner and letting people tell me who I am which ruined my confidence and ability to make decisions. Also starting to smoke.
Is there any way we could see the report that TV cops have to file after one of their arrests?? I’d like to see them.

Now I’m a bit unsure about this. I think if they were genuine arrests on reality TV you can probably find some information online but I doubt actual evidence would be made public, particularly during a trial and stuff.


What’s your longest ‘dry spell’ been?

OK, this might sound like a mega conceited answer but I have never had a ‘dry spell’ that I didn’t deliberately decide to do in order to focus on other things. I’m not sure how long that was to be honest, like maybe a month or something. I’m not saying I’m cool or anything, but I like to have fun. Personally, I can’t let stuff like that build up.


What are your new year resolutions for 2018?

I don’t do these but generally, I am going to:

Trust my gut instinct about things more.

Be more focused on improving myself.

Be kinder but more assertive.

Be more motivated.
What have you learned in the last year about yourself?

That my time is precious and not to waste it on fools.

Walk away from drama

Also, be wary as fuck of people – so I’m way more guarded than I used to be.


Life advice for women?

Do kegels like your life depended on it.




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