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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I got 99 problems…

But a bitch ain’t one.

In fact, here are my problems, in no particular order.

1. The lyrics of Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me.

2. The Curiosity Rover singing to itself and being left there. 😢

3. Michael McIntyre

4. Getting enough fiber.

5. The part in Terminator 2 where yer man licks Sarah Connor’s face.

6. The Cork accent.

7. Feeling attractive.

8. U2

9. Not having enough money to do the things I want.

10. Washing spoons in the sink without water splashing my face.

11. The fact my child needs me less and less.

12. Saying ‘no’ to pints.

13. Routine.

14. The housing crisis

15. The amount of effort required to look somewhat human in the morning

16. How shopping trolleys end up in canals.

17. Not seeing the neighbourhood cat for nearly a week at this point.

18. Hornitus

19. The end of Rocky.

20. The noises the majority of women make in porn.

21. Anybody body shaming anyone.

22. People touching, or worse yet holding, their balls in public.

23. Men being thick fuckers.

24. The phrase ‘political correctness gone mad.’

25. Toenail related things.

26. Netflix recommendations

27. Being spoken to in the morning…

28. …let alone ask ‘what do you want to eat later?’, first thing.

29. Strangers interrupting private conversations.

30. People in public playing the sound of videos on their phones.

31. Red pen.

32. How the bees are dying.

33. The way when your bum get itchy it’s always directly right in your bum hole.

34. Overthinking

35. Existential dread

36. Blocking toilets

37. Forceful recommendations

38. Being patronized

39. Women being bitches to each other to win male approval.

40. The Chuckle Brothers

41. Winking.

42. Not being capable of being vegetarian

43. Politicians’ wages

44. Sleep apnea

45. Waiting for couriers

46. The phrase ‘communism only works in theory..’

47. The way in The Human Centipede the Dr got them up a fucking staircase.

48. Banks

49. More than six months in the future.

50. Google maps.

51. People joking about threesomes when they find out I’m bisexual.

52. Men saying they prefer women having a ‘natural look’ but having no clue about make up.

53. Saxophones

54. Sleep deprivation

55. Inability to focus on things that don’t interest me.

56. Whether cats have fucking elbows.

57. The term ‘bitches be crazy’.

58. Having sex in the shower.

59. People getting on the bus before people get off.

60. When people get to the top of a queue and aren’t ready to order or pay.

61. Being an employee.

62. Jack Black.

63. My womb

64. People saying you’re ‘offended’ but you just called them out and think they’re a dickhead.

65. On the rare instance that I’m in a church… stopping myself from saying prayers in a vampire voice

66. Public transport without headphones

67. Inspirational quotes on Facebook.

68. Minions

69. The idea of getting figs into fig rolls.

70. Non-magical mushrooms

71. Non discreet perving

72. Not having enough ‘alone time’

73. Wiping my bum with gel nail extensions on.

74. Voicemails.

75. Holding in yawns when people talk.

76. Birds.

77. Saying ‘thank you’ to ATMs.

78. That Jim Henson is dead.

79. Jordan Peterson

80. Eating 5 a day.

81. Writer’s block.

82. Phone calls.

83. Changing duvet covers.

84. Mambo no 5

85. People traveling to poor countries to ‘find themselves’

86. Ska punk

87. ‘Air quotes’

88. Stopping biting babies.

89. The phrase ‘I don’t care’.

90. Unsolicited advice.

91. Estate agents and property management companies.

92. People showing off their money.

93. Doorbells.

94. One word messages.

95. Meanies

96. The fear the day after karaoke.

97. People saying ‘cripps’ instead of ‘crisps’

98. The word ‘moist’

99. Boob sweat.

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