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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

How to spot a bundle of red flags dressed up in human skin

bitch

 

People are jerks and I’m a defensive bastard but with good reason.  I wish I’d know sooner that I was a naive dope though.  You know when you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach and you can’t tell if you’re crazy or whether you should go with it or not?  Imagine wasting years with people that were actually just psychologically fucking with you?

I suppose you should look internally here as well… I guess… Like are you blinded to these red flags or are you trying to rehash old wounds from your childhood?  Because it’s madness to think that you can keep doing the same things over and over and for different results to emerge without any change on your part.  Here was me thinking I was relatively strong-willed and capable on my own and then WHOOSH I was a fucking BASKETCASE!  I mean I’m not an expert but I’ve a fair bit of experience with this crap (well two terrible relationships about 18 years apart) and I’ve read up a lot on stuff, and some of the signs that you are wasting your time and are going to be financially, emotionally and mentally worse off for having either a friendship or relationship with people who do these things are there from the start and actually become more obvious as you become more involved and oblivious.

Now, I’m not saying that all of these can’t happen with nice or healthy people, or that people that exhibit a few of the non-malignant behaviours here are dangerous, BUT if a load of these appear stay the fuck away!  I’ve been out of anything like this for a while now SO here are some of the tactics that master manipulators and head fuckers use.

 

1: All their friends are trash.  Their friends are a reflection to an extent of their own belief system – why would you hang out with a load of dopes?  The behaviour of their friends will mirror their own behaviour to an extent.  Also, if they have no strong long term connections with anyone this is a massive red flag (unless they’ve just moved or something).  Or if the majority of their friends seem kinda vulnerable and think that their friend is invincible.

2:  You have found yourself explaining basic human decency to them at some point.  I remember a guy I knew robbing hash that belonged to people we knew and proudly showing it me.  When I told him that wasn’t cool he got angry with me.  Because obviously robbing our ‘friends’ was grand.  Also, this extends to how you shouldn’t have to ask to be treated better.  This is basic fucking cop on but rules don’t apply to headfuckers.

3:  Triangulation is a massive headfuck tactic that instantly rubs me up the wrong way.  This happens when a third person is introduced as an external entity in the relationship.  It could be an ex, a ‘friend’ or a family member.  The headfucker routinely brings them up as a person that doesn’t like you, wants to ride them or in the case of a family member ‘someone who doesn’t approve’.  This creation of drama makes the headfucker feel important and is an attempt to make you feel insecure when really they are projecting their own crap onto you.

4:  They are extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism – no matter how constructive it is or beneficial it would be to the relationship.  This can lead to gaslighting where the headfucker tries to make you think that you are wrong and your memories of definite situations are wrong.  This can actually make you feel crazy after a while and if enough of this happens over a long period of time you can experience PTSD related symptoms even after the relationship is finished.  Try your best to trust your gut about things.

5:  All their ex-partners are crazy or were mean to them.  All of them.  And they were a saint and a victim.  Pull the other one you sad excuse for a human.  We all have some assholes in our past but c’mon – the common denominator here is you like.

6:  Sometimes, out of nowhere, they will let their mask slip down and let you in on something that is actually truly either insane or spiteful that seems to counter everything that they aimed to project to you regarding their personality previously.  For example, someone told me that they found their mother’s vibrator and used it on their girlfriend and was surprised that I thought that that was gross.  Another person told me that they rode someone else’s girlfriend out of spite to prove a point about some stupid dick related thing and then pretended that they never said it to me. Or the real reasons that you and your last ex broke up.  I heard you, I never forget and that spoke volumes about you.

toxictweet

7:  There are a few ways that these assholes can shut conversations down because they simply just don’t want to have them.  One, which I find super frustrating, and have chosen not to engage in ever again, is deflection through ‘word salad’.  It is an attempt to confuse you and push the conversation away in the most annoyingly vapid non-sensical way.  For example, you would ask a simple question and they would reply with a completely unrelated question.  This backward and forwards will result in absolute nonsense with either the hope that you will leave your perfectly logical conversation, shift blame onto you or make you laugh.  It’s part of the whole deflection game and ends up making you want to scream. It’s like they are deliberately trying to misunderstand you.  Minimising and mocking in the same way too where your genuine concerns, which may seem irrational now but given the headfuckery at hand aren’t actually, are diminished and ridiculed.  Be prepared to hear phrases like ‘you’re crazy’ ‘you’re just so jealous and insecure’ and ‘if anything I should be more worried about x’ instead of the normal kind response of talking things through and trying to make them better.

8:  Promoting insecurity.  This can take the form of subtle or outright negging (backhanded compliments that include an insult), alluding to negatively to someone’s physical appearance (you never fucking do this ever), comparing you to other people, putting down your accomplishments and just generally being an overly critical asshole.  Validation junkies like myself want positive messages from close people and these bastards can smell it a mile off, dangling it like a carrot in front of your face, making you work harder while they put no fucking effort whatsoever into anything other than trying to make you feel like shit.

9:  In the early stages they are overly flattering.  Like overly flattering.  Like the proper kind of flattering that you specifically love.  Like how did they work out what compliments you actually like?!

10:  Alluding to things like babies and marriage as some kind of potential future reward.  JOKES ON YOU YOU FUCKING SAP!  I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

11:  When you watch them in social situations they have a hard time empathising (or get annoyed with strong outbursts of emotion).  This might be an indication of a few other things that aren’t actually malignant but as part of a bigger puzzle piece, they make sense.  For example, they might also constantly respond with generic responses or laugh and sometimes it is clearly inappropriate because either they weren’t listening or don’t actually care.

12:  They don’t listen.  Like ever or they keep doing things that you don’t like repeatedly that either physically hurt you or your feelings.

redflagachievements

 

13:  They deliberately try to isolate you from other friends and family.  This is fucking serious.  This will escalate to more serious fuckery.  They’ll slag your friends off and give out why you spend so much time with them instead of at home.  They want you all to yourself and to be honest it’s only a matter of time before they start beating the shit out of you.  It’ll be subtle at first and then suddenly you’re trapped and all alone with no support network completely disassociating from whatever traumatic events have taken place and you have no idea what normal is anymore.

14:  They keep moving the goalposts of expected behaviour and what constitutes success or being a good human despite the fact that they are pretty hypocritical.

15:  They are super nice to you in public and show off about all the nice things ‘that they do for you’.  Way nicer than they are in private.  Or they may provoke you into an emotional response in public at an event in order to paint themselves the victim again.  For example, I had a boyfriend who spent an entire day at a wedding slagging me off in a pretty cruel way when nobody was looking (he was super drunk telling me I was ugly and fat and that he was trapped and so unhappy with me), his mother basically told me to leave him when he went for a smoke and when I left the wedding venue (it was not in Dublin) and went home without telling anyone the headfucker used the entire experience to paint himself as the victim and me as an abusive cunt – a smear campaign had already begun secretly behind my back anyway.  By that stage, I was just so tired that I didn’t even respond to his texts about how some hot chick was cracking on to him.  I just didn’t care anymore.

16:  Inability to have a conversation that they are not directing.  They don’t let others talk or talk over them or continue pushing a conversation that nobody is interested in having.  Read the room dude – I know this might make you stupid and we all get it wrong sometimes – but consistently this would be a problem for me to deal with and I think indicative of a bigger set of hidden problems.

17:  No follow through on promises.  The promises are just words.  Show me you mean them.  You get three fucking chances max now.  I don’t want to be let down or left dangling.  Actions speak louder than words by far here fucker.

18:  They have kids that they don’t see or support.  Or they have older kids that don’t talk to them.  I don’t give a fuck what the reasoning for this is it’s a massive nope factor.

19:  They rarely apologise and accept blame.  Instead, they project and try to fob it off on you or someone else.  Or if they apologise they say the very toxic sentence of ‘I’m sorry IF I OFFENDED YOU’ or something similar without owning the specific behaviour.

tinypenis

20:  Brags that ‘X’ wants to sleep with them.  Why do you need to say that?  I know it’s mentioned above but it’s incredibly weird.  We all have people that would ride us.  AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL PRIVILEGED NOW?!!! (say it in a derp voice)

21:  How they treat other people they are apparently close with is indicative of how they will treat you.  If they speak badly of their ‘friends’, steal from them or do other nasty things to them, they will to you too.

22:  When something positive happens to you they piss all over it.  I remember getting the funding for my previous book and the headfucker said ‘now all you have to do is write it’ without asking if I’d written any.  I’d had 95% of it done then, said so and he was sickened.  He had to be virtually forced to go to my book launch and never once said ‘well done’ or anything.  When he initially got around to reading it he never said one positive thing – just pointed out spelling mistakes.  I think I kinda need a bit of cheerleading.

23: Disappears out of touch for ages.  Like literally days and then calls you ‘needy’ when you ask where they were.  IF ANYONE EVER CALLS YOU NEEDY TELL THEM TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR HOLE!

24:  Their friends and family have no interest in getting to know you beyond a superficial level.

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25:  If they cheat on you, you find out – they don’t tell you.  And it’s never ever their fault. Cos sometimes shit happens and you can just get over it if they have the balls to say it to you.

26:  They were with someone when you started seeing them.

27:  You feel drained around them and you doubt yourself a lot.

28:  You are scared to bring up issues that bother you because you feel they will ‘flip the table and end the relationship’.

29:  They don’t respect your boundaries and privacy (and they are mad secretive).  They keep pushing it.  They actually seem to enjoy pushing your button and seeing how much they can get away with.

30:  You were better than everyone in their life. Now you aren’t and you’re being compared with your eventual replacement.

marriage

31:  They act like an expert on things without knowing all the facts – like if they are a man they make statements like ‘all women need to be emotionally attached to have sex’ (LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH) or ‘all women are interested in is money’, when we know they love large penises and lots of foreplay too.

32:  They answer for other people or you AND their answers are often wrong.

33:  Every now and then they do something nice, but it is preformative and possibly public, but expect praise.  Even if you’ve done the exact thing 20 times before.

34:  They slag you off for things they initially praised you for.

35:  They are childish and for the most part lack any real responsibility in their lives.  (MAN BABY)

36:  They don’t use your name.  They call you ‘babe’ or a generic name. Cos they have lots of girls and don’t want to mix names up.

37:  They have some major addictions that dominate their schedule.  Be it porn, riding, gambling, boozing or drugs – if you can’t give or take it – it’s potentially a big problem.  These clearly aren’t always obvious from the onset – particularly the porn one – but if a thing is more important than a person – that’s a paddlin’.

38:  One of their parents was a perpetual cheater.  Now I know monogamy isn’t for everyone and that’s cool but nobody should pawn off their insecurities, do what they want and keep you in the dark.  I think it’s the lying part of cheating that is the worst and if one parent did it a shitload it is quite likely that that behaviour will be carried with them.

39:  They won’t communicate clearly with you.  Everything is met with resistance.

shave

40:  People notice you are wrecked all the time and some of your friends fuck off permanently.

41:  They expect you to pay for things for them without asking.

42:  Your friends don’t like them.

43:  They have no hobbies or interests.  You can’t be their lifeline when they are lost.  That’s too much.

44:  The whole situation is intense very quickly.

45:  They communicate with you constantly by text or call or any other type of controlling behaviour.

shrinkformen

Just to clarify this is applicable to both men and women!  I didn’t look at that site above so I don’t know if it’s good or not but the meme rings true with me.

46:  They are visibly jealous of you being happy or any accomplishments.

47:  A lot of the time when they talk it could be accompanied by a tiny violin.

48:  They patronise you.

49:  They wear pointy shoes.

50:  They don’t like music.

Get out while you can!

 

 

 

 

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