Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

In a way I was made for a lockdown – I’m chubby so I can last ages even if there is a food shortage, I work from home and really enjoy my own company.  I can keep myself entertained for endless hours without getting bored and can keep myself in some kind of routine and that rarely even involves masturbation.

When this whole lockdown thing was announced, although it escalated quite quickly, I was prepared – I had organised a lovely desk and had made a pretty decent space for myself to work and keep myself occupied, I had a checklist of things to do that I could fill my time with and I promised myself and others that we would stay in contact.  I wanted this time to be productive.  I wanted to write my own work again.  I wanted to start and actually finish new projects and learn new skills.  The emphasis here is on wanted.

This whole pandemic thing really is uncharted territory.  There is no set path for how this will work out and in my case, and I’m sure many others, I’m kind of stuck in this weird paralysis state worrying about work and how I’ll have to adapt my future plans or the tenuous nature of all non-familial relationships or when I’ll get to spend a whole day with my kid again.  Like I’m not saying I plan very far into the future, but I usually have some idea of where I’d want to go and the way things are now it’s impossible to know where that will bring us.  Some days I feel optimistic and then I’m bombarded with some news that quashes it completely.  And I don’t even want to think about the possibility of anyone dying – I’m not going to even go there.  And I have all this time, this time that I could and should be used wisely, but this is all running in the back of my mind and after an hour of sitting at my laptop I find that I’ve been staring into space more than usual.  So, to compensate for my lack of productivity I stay at the computer for longer, and work harder, and feel guilty for moving away from it, and then I worry that I’m going full-on hermit and can’t really speak to people in person anymore.  Then I have a wank, to momentarily distract myself, but feel shame immediately afterwards, eat some cheese and crackers and end up going through a photo album, whilst actively ignoring and feeling slightly irritated by phonecalls.

Honestly I don’t think anyone should particularly care about my experience of lockdown.  Nobody is on their own in that respect.  I’m still going to write about it anyway because it might make me feel a bit better.

I know that my anxiety about the whole situation is not unique and in a way, I feel guilty for feeling this way when people have worse things going on right now.  And this, in turn, makes me less likely to want to talk to people at all (I feel like I’d be the opposite of super fun to be around right now) which I suppose perpetuates the situation completely.  Instead I have naps in my room intermittently where I have dreams about having a cool pet bat who I feed berries to.  It sleeps in the front pocket of my hoodie and when I call it it lands on my arms like a motherfucking hawk.

It is difficult in some ways, to be productive, or even function properly in these situations.  Despite usually doing well on my own with my books, coffee, laptop, music and choices in film (that nobody else I know wants to watch with me) I’m finding it difficult to motivate myself to do normal everyday things like empty the dishwasher or shave my pits.  I mean, I’ll wear a full face of make-up and a ball gown, but you bet your bottom dollar I’ve been wearing no knickers for two days because I couldn’t be arsed GOING DOWNSTAIRS to put on a wash.

It may feel like there is no point and I have to an extent had to trick myself into thinking tiny goals are the point.  I have come to the conclusion that the goal for however long this may be is to function, or at least try to as best I can.  Productivity is overrated anyway and seriously, why are so many of us so concerned with being productive during a fucking stressful pandemic?!

So before it goes crazy gloomy and dark, here is a list of a few of the things that I have been doing to feel a slight sense of accomplishment and that you could emulate if you wish.

1: Get rid of all that hard skin on your feet.

Scrape all bullshit hard skin from your soles with a razor blade until you have a crazy pile of human skin in your room.  Keep going like you’re grating a load of parmesan. Keep going… That’ll make them lovely and soft… Oh shit now you’re bleeding… Oh fuck…

2: Hide a scary doll around the house to attempt to frighten your housemates.

Make it a game.  For the record, I’ve owned this doll for years but don’t know where it came from.

Hopefully, scare the shit out of them to keep morale up.

I mean this isn’t cruel, is it?  It’s just funny?

3: Spreadsheets are amazing!  I cannot emphasise this enough.

A lot of us are more on a budget these days and when you feel out of control this is the ultimate way to plan every single aspect of your life.  List every item of food, price it on Tesco, create formulas to do the sums.  List everything.

And then ignore said lists when it comes to food shopping and spending.  But it’s cool.  You felt in control for a minute.

4: Attempt to infiltrate 5G groups.

Why wouldn’t you do this?  I’ve been working on this but not getting anywhere.  I mean I’ve been accepted but my posts don’t get approved – so I think my attempts at trolling weren’t subtle enough.  I mean, it’s hard not to laugh at people who think crystals can stop 5G radiation if you put them in their router, while posting on the internet and talking about the lack of birds in their area.

Honestly, I’m not going there to fight.  I’m just going there to laugh.

Also, seriously if you believe 5G is actually a bad thing please just remove yourself from my life because I will attempt to get you to talk about it in public and, not even bully you, just let you talk and do yourself damage.

How can you not laugh at these absolute farts?

5: Buy stocks and shares on Revolut

I’ve added the amount of money that I would normally spend on drinking for two weeks (because I’ve not really been drinking) to my Revolut account and started buying things.  Honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing but did I make a spreadsheet about it?  You bet I did.

Also, one Sunday morning I woke up to this:

This was clearly a glitch, and I couldn’t do anything about it because it was a Sunday and everything is closed, but for a good half hour I thought I was going to live like a total queen.

6: Get really good at contouring.

Contouring is simple.  Just put brown and white all over your face.  You can look as good as me.

To be fair, with all this extra time my eyeliner skills have definitely improved:

7: Cook more and take a picture of everything that you’ve cooked so you can prove that you can cook you just didn’t before.

I never post pictures of food but now I like to document everything I’ve cooked because if you don’t take a picture of what you’ve cooked have you even cooked it?

Add salad to the food to make it hilarious, because salad is hilarious.

8: Sell pictures of your feet to online pervs

You don’t think I shaved all the hard skin off my feet for no reason?  Might as well put them to good use and if some harmless perv wants to pay for pictures of my feet who am I to argue?

9: Artsy stuff

Sometimes I wonder if I should bother and I’ve not been doing it as much as I should, but maaaaaannn artsy stuff relaxes the shit out of me.  At the same time, most of the stuff I draw looks either slightly wrong or like the creation of a demented woman in quarantine.  I’ll get better.  Just give it time.  It’s not like I’m going anywhere.

10: Learn to get better at controlling your dreams so you can always dream about having a cool bat land on your arm like a hawk.

Before I go, solve the riddle: