Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

 

 

A few people, (men obviously) have said to me recently that women never really say what they mean. I didn’t think this was a problem specific to women. I mean I’ve met men that expect you to be able to fucking mind read. I can’t speak for any other woman but my needs are basic – cuddles, orgasms, food, and chats – that’s pretty much it. Still, I suppose I’m a bit indirect.  Still apparently women speak this crazy code that men just can’t understand.  I suppose pleading ignorance makes it easier than actually learning how vaginas work though, eh?  Or just saying we’re crazy is easier than admitting that you’re actually just a lazy shit, ha?

Perhaps this reference chart can help you decipher the mystical female language that yiz are clearly too lazy to work out yisserselves (but I mean I’m only one woman):

WHAT I SAY:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not angry with you

WHAT I SAY:

Is that right, yeah?

WHAT I MEAN:

Go fuck yourself, you’re so wrong

WHAT I SAY:

Are you happy?

WHAT I MEAN:

Am I happy?

WHAT I SAY:

What do you think?

WHAT I MEAN:

Make this decision please

WHAT I SAY:

Meh

WHAT I MEAN:

Don’t push this issue

WHAT I SAY:

[Blows air like a horse from lips]

WHAT I MEAN:

I thought we weren’t pushing                                                                                                        this issue.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m getting narky

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re pissing me off. Stop.

WHAT I SAY:

It doesn’t matter

WHAT I MEAN:

I think if we discussed this                                                                                                                    either we’ll end up fighting or                                                                                                            you can’t really help

WHAT I SAY:

State of ya

WHAT I MEAN:

You’re adorable

WHAT I SAY:

Sorry I missed your call I was in the shower.

WHAT I MEAN:

I was staring at my phone                                                                                                                     wondering why you rang.

WHAT I SAY:

Prick

WHAT I MEAN:

Awwwwwww

WHAT I SAY:

Why bother even saying that?

WHAT I MEAN:

I didn’t ask for your opinion

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I have a tendency to self-                                                                                                                      sabotage things because people                                                                                                          are turds and death awaits us                                                                                                              all anyway

WHAT I SAY:

[…]

WHAT I MEAN:

I like you

WHAT I SAY:

[…..] UGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Yeah, I like ya

WHAT I SAY:

[….] You’re OK, like

WHAT I MEAN:

Ah, I probably                                                                                                                                      have proper feels

WHAT I SAY:

I couldn’t sleep

WHAT I MEAN:

I am a bag of anxiety

WHAT I SAY:

I heard you before

WHAT I MEAN:

Please do not repeat this story                                                                                                             again

WHAT I SAY:

Ah, I don’t want to talk about [insert specific issue]

WHAT I MEAN:

I can only say nice things so I                                                                                                               need to just not talk about it.

WHAT I SAY:

[Shrieking noise]

WHAT I MEAN:

DID YOU JUST TELL ME I WAS                                                                                                            OVERREACTING?!

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t be a sap

WHAT I MEAN:

Cop on like.

WHAT I SAY:

No

WHAT I MEAN:

No

WHAT I SAY:

Yes

WHAT I MEAN:

Yes

WHAT I SAY:

Maybe

WHAT I MEAN:

No, unless you make it really                                                                                                               easy for me or you really want                                                                                                           to do it.

WHAT I SAY:

Go on, teach me something.

WHAT I MEAN:

I LOVE BEING PATRONISED

WHAT I SAY:

I’m crazy

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m just warning you I have                                                                                                                 lots of feelings so you may                                                                                                                   have to reassure me a lot to                                                                                                                 calm me the fuck down.

WHAT I SAY:

I know.

WHAT I MEAN:

Why are you explaining this                                                                                                                again?

WHAT I SAY:

Please stop talking.

WHAT I MEAN:

I can’t hear myself think.

WHAT I SAY:

Are you annoyed with me?

WHAT I MEAN:

I haven’t decided if I’m                                                                                                                           annoyed yet but your reaction                                                                                                             will dictate the outcome.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a catch!

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m not a catch – I was being                                                                                                               sarcastic.

WHAT I SAY:

I’m a bit overwhelmed

WHAT I MEAN:

I’m going to have a breakdown.

WHAT I SAY:

It’s fine.

WHAT I MEAN:

Seriously, it’s all good like.

WHAT I SAY:

BLEURGH

WHAT I MEAN:

Give me a hug or something.

WHAT I SAY:

I’ll be back in a while

WHAT I MEAN:

Going to have a poop.

WHAT I SAY:

My tummy isn’t well.

WHAT I MEAN:

I had the plops.

WHAT I SAY:

[Stares at something I can’t do]

WHAT I MEAN:

Won’t ask for help but will                                                                                                                   stare at it till someone else                                                                                                                   offers.

WHAT I SAY:

Don’t

WHAT I MEAN:

If you touch me again… don’t…just don’t..

WHAT I SAY:

Attention!

WHAT I MEAN:

Pet me!

WHAT I SAY:

OK… (wary face)

WHAT I MEAN:

What are you playing at?  Is                                                                                                                this a trap?

I realise now that I may be like a cat. Yup, I’m a cat. I’m not even a woman so perhaps this isn’t applicable to other women at all then.  Sorry for wasting your time – I guess you’ll never learn how women work now.