Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

 

OK so I spend a lot of my time day dreaming.  Also,  I wanted to post something amusing for a change – or at least something that I find amusing.

 

Here is a list of words and phrases that I think should be used if they aren’t already:

‘Mind deaf’

When you cannot hear your own thoughts because someone is talking too much – usually a child or drunk person.

‘My head was wrecked because he just wouldn’t shut up.  I went completely mind deaf.’

 

‘Dipster’

An accidental older hipster, who doesn’t think they’re a hipster but they totally look like one and are kinda a dick.

‘Did you see him vaping outside the vegan restaurant talking about wind energy?’

‘What a dipster.’

 

‘Trench cunt’

Similar to ‘trench foot’, but obviously with a vagina.  When the area starts to go all weird from being too wet and goes all crinkley like you spent too long in the bath.  Very likely to lead to a urinary tract infection – so make sure you pee!

‘I can’t get comfortable today after all the bangs yesterday – I think I have trench cunt.’

 

‘Bastard’

A person who sits on the outside of the seat on a bus and/or has their bag still up on the seat when the bus is packed.

‘There were loads of bastards on the bus today and I couldn’t get a seat.’

 

‘Interferon’

A person who likes to interfere with whatever you are doing because they seem to think you can’t do anything correctly.

‘He kept coming in and trying to stir my shit when I was in the kitchen.  Fucking interferon.’

 

‘Old fashioned.’

A role play involving the man coming home drunk, shouting at his partner to get back in the kitchen, holding a picture of the Pope and taking his belt off to give her a good auld beating.

‘Ah man, I’m in bits today because I had an old fashioned last night.’

 

‘Deja vag’

The moment when you walk into a situation and notice that multiple of your past partners or people you’ve slept with (also known as the collective  ‘an awkward of exs’) are all around each other and talking.  You don’t know if they know about each other and you don’t like it or what they could be talking about.  You don’t like it one bit.

‘I got total deja vag last night and it feels like I heard the word anal mentioned.  I’m fucking mortified.’

 

‘Blackout bleeeeernds.’

This should just simply replace the normal noun of blackout blinds purely because it makes me laugh.  I burped trying to say blackout blinds before and it came out like this.  Now I can only say ‘blackout bleeeeernds.’

No example needed.

 

‘Prawn’

Use this word to deliberately infuriate a 14-year-old whilst playing chess with him, pretending you are thick, instead of the correct phrase ‘pawn.’

‘So the prawn can only move one space yeah?’

‘IT’S CALLED A PAWN MOTHER YOU FUCKING IDIOT!’

‘And the prawn can only move forward too yeah?’

‘INAUDIBLE ANGRY GIBBERISH.’

 

‘Shakespearing.’

When someone is super locko and going off on a diatribe that nobody either gets or is listening to.  Much like a monologue in Shakespearean plays.

‘He was pretty drunk.  He was all Shakespearing about the Celtic tiger and the crash… I think.’

‘Jambon Jovi.’

A cool name for a jambon.

‘Jammie dodger.’

Someone who won’t have sex with someone when they have their period.

‘I have such a horn on me but the red army has come to visit.’

‘Oh is he a jammie dodger?’

(Insert sad face here)

‘Amusement park’

A person you would ride continuously for the weekend but never again.  Possibly involving pre-emptive purchase of the morning after pill.

‘They’re not really relationship material to be honest.  And that’s not what I was looking for anyway but they are a decent amusement park.’

 

‘Hangover horn’

I’m pretty sure people use this but had to explain this concept to someone recently.  Upon awakening after an excessive night of drinking, filled with fear and a headache, there is a massive rise in vulnerability and libido.   This sometimes results in a worsening of the symptoms of the hangover but is an urge that is very hard to resist.

‘I had the worst hangover horn ever this morning.  After I had that bang I puked.’

 

‘Ghost whispering’

When you hear someone say the exact thing you said as if it was their idea in the first place.

‘That motherfucking prick is passing my idea off as his own about my podcast!  What am I?  The fucking ghost whisperer?’

 

‘Dissing’

When someone messages you that you don’t like and you pretend you got a new phone in the hopes that they’ll get the message.

‘U STILL UP?  WANT TO HAVE SUM FUN?’

‘NEW PHONE.  WHO DIS?’