Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

50 Reasons Why (I knew it wasn’t going to work out)


We’ve all reached points when suddenly we know that a date or early stage relationship isn’t going to work.  Sometimes it makes sense, like seeing some red flags, and other times it can be a strange arbitrary thing – like not liking her eyeliner or laugh.  I’m not saying I’m cool or above criticism but here are a few of the things that I have encountered that have made me reconsider seeing said person ever again.  Most of these are from my 30’s too, a time when I’m way less likely to waste time and spot signals that lead to bad places, but some of them are just stupid things that I couldn’t get over.  I am a fickle creature.  I know, I’m SUCH a catch!

I’m a dick, I get it.

They told me I was a good ‘draw-er’.

During sexy times, they continuously pinched the backs of my knees.

They said ‘but it’s normal for girls not to orgasm most of the time’ and seemed to use it as an excuse not to try.

He kept talking about his J1.

Told me that women need to be ’emotionally connected to the person’ to have sex with them.

They couldn’t pronounce ‘daiquiri’ and for some reason, ‘da-queer-ee’ really bugged me.

On a first date when I went to the bathroom they screamed ‘please come back’ at me and everyone looked.

They asked me if I wanted to go for a jog in the morning.

They seemed annoyed that I wasn’t a real red head.

They told me that my face was asymmetrical.

When they got a horrible haircut.

When they told me I had a horrible haircut – but my hair was nice.

They asked me if I’d been in prison.

They said ‘guys can finger girls, but girls can’t wank dudes.’  Tell that to my sore vag,           dude.

All their last girlfriends were ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’.

Accused me of posting pictures of them on the internet while they slept.

Repeated use of the phrase ‘I am a man’ or ‘I am nice.’

They said: ‘People kept saying she was retarded – she wasn’t – it’s just the education             system in America is really bad.’

I saw socks and sandals.

They asked me to let them piss on me.

She wouldn’t stop talking about her ex.

They told me they hated falafel like it would mortally wound me.

Criticised my parenting.

They wouldn’t let me talk.

Showed up for food with no money and didn’t tell me till we were paying so I had to pay for them as well.  I don’t mind paying for my own shit, don’t get me wrong – but I wouldn’t show up with no money.

Got angry when I said I was considering piercing my septum.

They were too sensitive about me making requests for stuff in the bedroom and took everything as a criticism.

Said sex once a week would be enough.

They mentioned marriage.

Clearly did not listen to a word I said.

They made too much of a point saying that looks aren’t everything.

After an ‘accident’ kept asking me to let them know if there was ‘any news.’

Thought that we pee out our vaginas.  They were in their late 30’s.

I realised I didn’t like the smell of their sweat

They shouted ‘how many orgasms did you have?’ at me in a cafe.  I’d had none.

They asked if we were exclusive after 3 dates.

They bought me flowers from a petrol station.

Thought Mrs Brown’s Boys was funny.

Explained women to me.

I realised they looked like Bryan Adams.

They insulted me all night, talked over me, told me to ‘shut up’ and then tried to kiss me in a fridge in Centra while I was trying to grab chocolate milk.

They never asked me any questions about me.

When I returned to the house after 12 hours they were in the exact same position as when I had left them.  This happened every day.

They were forceful about getting nudes.

When they told me I had lovely blue eyes.  They’re green.

Got angry because I didn’t reply straight away.

They opened a wallet stuffed with cash deliberately slowly in front of me.

They laughed about giving an ex an STI.

‘Should you be eating that?’

Pretended they knew what a clitoris was – cos they clearly didn’t.

Other things that could be added to this list include messaging me a minimum of 20 times an hour, ringing me in the middle of the night AND scratching right inside their butthole in front of me (and smelling their hand).  Get ta fuck like.

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