Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

[Please excuse the amount of selfies in this – I’m trying to demonstrate a point]

When I turned 30 something crazy happened – my twenties had been wrought with insecurities surrounding how I looked, my teens even more so but suddenly I didn’t really care anymore. In fact, when I looked back on my twenties and earlier, from my thirties I wondered why I was bothered at all – I wasn’t half as bad as I was led to believe, or more importantly, had come to believe. In fairness, I didn’t regularly start wearing make-up till I was 25 and had no actual skin routine till I was even older than that. When I look back though, I can see how outside influences had an impact on me when I was gullible and naïve and how I gave other peoples’ opinions much more value than they were worth. And now I dress whatever way I want, covered in tattoos and giving way less of I shit about it… or so I thought…

Firstly I’d like to clarify, in a rough sense, how I actually feel about myself. I do not consider myself physically attractive at all but I don’t consider that that is how you actually measure a person’s worth. I have an endless list of things that I consider serious imperfections and a shrinking list of features that I like (as my bones slowly turn to dust). I am used to my appearance being commented on in a negative way, by both men and women, and I know that most of the time that someone is mildly interested in me has to do with my massive boobs. I am not arrogant despite my millions of selfies and these are not a sign of insecurity either – I just like taking pictures. In saying that, on some days when I’m in a good mood I can look in the mirror and go ‘I’ve seen worse’. I am not saying anywhere here that I think I’m awesome. I’m just saying the way I look at myself and those around me has changed.

It was said in passing to me the other day that I should consider a diet because I will be a bridesmaid in a few months. Actually, the word ‘fat’ was used. I really thought that I was over caring about this but I did. My weight has always fluctuated loads. I spent my late teens and early twenties on diets/starving myself/taking laxatives/exercising excessively but thinking about that that was more to do with attempting to control myself more than my weight (and it has totally had a negative impact on my guts). I have jumped from nine stone to 13 stone and then down to 8. I have had a big child who obviously had an impact on my shape. What bothers me so much about this is that people feel they have the right to throw in unsolicited advice about your weight or appearance. I have never asked anybody if they thought I was fat, yet constantly people told me I was. The other day I was taken aback, mostly because I’m not really even that big – a 12 on the bottom and a 14 on the top – but also because it was just not what I needed. I thought people had moved on from this.   Why do people feel it is so important to be so mean? It’s not cruel to be kind. It’s telling me that my only value is in my appearance.

When someone walks up to you and comments on your appearance they are often trying to assert control or dominance over you. For example, you rarely see men compliment each other physically – but it should happen more. Girls are taught (and don’t yawn because I mention this through my experience which is tinged with a feminist perspective) that their main value is physical attractiveness and that catcalling should be seen as flattering and not intimidation. Seriously though, how much do you care what a complete stranger thinks of your body. And weirdly a lot of the time these compliments and insults come from people who, if we’re going to be mean here, wouldn’t be winning any beauty pageants.  Also, in my experience a lot of the time that guys (particularly some) have slagged me off physically it has been in some effort to control me and the relationship, whilst also masking their own insecurities.

I could sit here all day and list off all the things that I am physically unhappy with but that would be morose and boring and self-indulgent. I have made efforts to change lots of these things but ultimately have moved on from being so self-conscious. I guess I act like I am confident about myself as opposed to actually being that way. I have things to be confident about and that’s what I have always focused on. I know my own strengths and weaknesses. I dress the way I want to make myself comfortable (which unfortunately as described in previous blogs means not having my boobs out most of the time because of the unwanted attention that they often attract) and put on make up to make myself feel nice – not to impress anyone else. I ignore what I don’t like about myself and cannot be changed and hope that nobody else will notice it, or worse yet, bring it up. So I guess that was why I was a bit upset about the idea of someone calling me fat. You can slag someone off for how they look, but in reality, you are not really providing them with information that they aren’t already aware of.

I really thought I was over caring about it. I mean I’ve done naked photo shoots (tasteful obviously) and have no issues removing my clothes in general. When I was younger I would never have thought I’d have the proverbial balls to do that. They were never meant in a vain way – or to provoke some kind of sexual response in people. They were always about me reclaiming how I felt about myself and for a while I felt OK about myself. But every now and then there is a little crappy reminder that I really am not anything to look at and I just have to pull myself up onto my intellectual high horse and tell myself that that is society’s loss not mine. So for the most part I don’t care. I have detached myself from caring but at the same time I still feel that there is pressure on me to be something that I can’t and will always be reminded of it.

I also would like to point out that I do not dislike people who are pretty or attractive, or think that they are lacking in some other aspect of their lives. Power to them. They have no control over it really… Unless they spend hours looking after themselves in ways I couldn’t be bothered with. If they however act like they are simply entitled to things because of it or act like they know they are the shizzle, based on the arbitrary game of luck of pulling genes out of the old gene pool, well then they can go fuck themselves.

However, essentially, what I am trying to say here is that people should really think before they talk. There is no reason to say something negative to someone about their appearance. And if you think someone needs to hear it then you have to question why you have to say it, don’t ya? And also, if you see taking more selfies it’s not me being vain, it’s me changing my hair or make up, not looking for validation but simply thinking I took a good photo this time.

I know I’m not hot like but you don’t need to remind me because there are more important things than that, yeah?

Get your dude to kiss a dude.

Dudes love kissing dudes to get girls off. Make them do it because it’s hot and there is nothing a dude likes better than doing something ‘hot’ to please his lady. But remember it’s only fun if it’s two guys. Girls kissing is fucking disgusting.

Dick Pics

Text a randomer from your phone book or on facebook late in the night. Maybe you’re drunk. Maybe you’re. Maybe you’re horny. Maybe you’re not. About two texts in start calling them sexy. By the third message start leaning towards your angle. Their cock. You must see it. You must see it in all its majestic and shiny glory now. You might not really want to even see it but hey let’s see what they’ll send you… even if they don’t want to you’ll see what you can get them to do. Make sure that the focus of the conversation alternates between how attractive you find them (coercion) and how aroused you are. Then when you send them make sure they know/think you are wanking about them because as we all know someone wanking over you when you’ve only met them once or twice is pretty flattering. And why shouldn’t they be flattered? I mean, how many girls ask dudes so persistently for dick pics. Whatever you do though, don’t entertain any further engagement with them unless it is meeting up with them for a quick drunk mutually unfulfilling ride at three in the morning.

Emotional

Make sure that if the dude you’re seeing/with/messing with has a legitimate point about anything that you tell them that they are overly emotional. As the more emotional of the two sexes men need to be reminded to keep their feelings under control. They let their balls rule their brains and cannot function when it comes to serious things. So they want to know if you’re seeing other people or what the status of your meeting up is. Tell them they are being crazy because let’s face it – they’re all crazy needy anyway. Also, remind men that they are not as educated as women and that their opinions are actually superfluous to most conversations. You can say it playfully by calling them ‘silly’.

Happy chokey ending for you.

As we all know men love choking. You can see it the way some men push your head down really far on their cock or push your head all over the place with your eyes streaming. This leads me to the conclusion that men must love being choked or suffocated too. So, I suggest, and believe me he’ll love this, that when you are getting eaten out that as you being to arrive that you push your thighs extremely tight and grab his head pushing it in and up and down until you are done. Regardless of whether he can breathe or not he’ll thank you after. To add to the effect, in place of semen, simply smear your lady juice all over his face with your palm. He’ll probably look really grateful. If they don’t tell them to ‘lighten up’.

Make a lady cave

I want a cave. It will be filled with naked posters of men and women, board games, cans and art supplies. Nobody with a penis will enter unless it is to bring in cans or sandwiches. This person must be relatively good looking, younger than me and quiet. I don’t want no cheek in my lady cave.

Canadian Olympian Skiier

Remember that hot Canadian Olympic Skiier that you used to bang? Bring that up all the time. Especially to your current mott. Make sure they know that they were super hot, super fit and super good in the sack. The only things that men really need to be.

Put on weight

It is really unfair how weighted our society is towards the unfair treatment of men and their appearance. I mean, there is so much pressure for men to look good all the time and their sense of self-worth ends up being derived from it. So, as a good ‘lady’ friend make sure to remind your companion when they are starting to let themselves go and imply that you may go elsewhere for sexy times should they not keep up the standard.  But you can get do what you want, that’s grand.

Hair removal

Get your dude to remove all his pubes under the pretence that you will blow him more. Don’t blow him more and when he asks you to do a really half assed job.

Grab asses and balls

Do it like there is no tomorrow. Crowded dance floors are best. If they react badly it’s a ‘joke’, if they’re drunk enough to find it funny you might even get laid. Throw enough shit at a wall and some will stick.

Unprotected sex

After having unprotected sex act shocked when they ejaculate saying that you thought they ‘had it all under control.’ With a rise in male single pregnancies you’d think they’d have copped on to not getting themselves pregnant. Also, make sure to take his condom off like a ninja without him knowing mid sex. You can’t feel anything with condoms like. He should be on the pill like. Sure you’re clean, aren’t ya? Unless they’re a bleeding sluh.

Tell a bloke after you’ve orgasmed and are ready to sleep that ‘it’s normal that guys don’t cum every time?’ Stupid men – not knowing their own bodies.

Make intense eye contact with any good looking bloke that talks to you no matter who is there. Especially if your partner is there. Actually completely ignore your ‘partner’ (they’ll never really be your equal) if someone hot starts talking to you. Maybe even check out their balls. Sure, it keeps everyone in their own places.

Buy slippers.

Just do it. Not just one pair. Buy multiples. You need to be comfortable inside where you will be a lot of the time when you are not physically ‘adulting’. Use phrases like ‘but they are so comfy’ and even consider buying a spare set just in case you can’t reach the original. Dressing gowns are optional also. Do not, and I repeat, do not buy or consider purchasing crocs. You haven’t given up that much yet.

Keep your rapping skillz ‘secret’.

I don’t think my rapping career is going to start any time soon and nobody needs to see or hear it.

Aim for your bed.

Try your best to fall asleep in your bed. You are no longer a child sleeping over in your mate’s hiding from your parents in a puddle of puke. You’ll just hurt your back or have a bad night’s sleep. Also, do not fall asleep on the sofa. You aren’t ancient.

Stop drinking Buckfast.

Or at least cut down. You’re old now so you probably need the caffeine. Actually fuck that. Drink more Buckfast.

Laugh at marriage.

Lots of people around you are probably getting married. Don’t let this have any impact on you, even if people look at you like you’re totally sad for not being married with silly pity eyes. I mean you don’t care that they’ve found someone willing to spend the rest of their life with them, right? And you’re not bitter, right? You’re happy for them. Of course you are. Remind yourself that whilst you’re not anti-marriage that the idea of being with the same person for the rest of your life is a bit claustrophobic. You’re a robot who couldn’t possibly love anyone enough to marry them. End of.

Don’t fall in love.

Love people, sure. Fall in love? Ah jaysus. Whole different ball game. If you haven’t by this stage you’re incapable and it’s too distracting from your own stubborn ways. Compromise? For someone else? Fuck off. Feelings? Don’t make me laugh. Engage physically and kick them out.

Use the word ‘sensible’ regularly.

‘Sorry I’d love to take some pills but I have to be sensible’….

‘I can’t have a seventh pint… I’ve an interview in the morning…. I am sensible’

‘These sensible shoes are so comfortable.’

‘It was very sensible of you to vomit in the shower instead of on the floor.’

‘Let’s use a condom – I’m feeling sensible.’

Pay your rent and bills.

This seems obvious but you’d be surprised with the amount of people who are unable to pay their rent. Not because they are actually poor or anything. But more because they just can’t prioritise or rather, prioritise fun. This is something you work out when you move out first but I’ve come across it lots. Being an adult isn’t fun really. We’d all like to lie hung over in a bed of joint crumbs covered in our own gick but not if it means you’ll be homeless.

Work on your judgey face.

Being an adult requires a new level of judgementalism. Make sure your face says the words so you don’t have to because let’s face it – you shouldn’t have to tell people how to ‘adult’. It’s funny because you’re actually probably being very reasonable and people will tell you that you’re being irrational. You’re not. You’re awesome and realistic and an adult. Get a superfluous rolling-pin and hair rollers to complete the look.

Use the word ‘exclusive’ reluctantly.

When seeing people it’s important to be at your most stubborn. Firstly, you don’t want to actually really get very attached to someone and secondly, you only really need temporary relief from ‘adulting’. Keep your eye on the prize. So don’t just see one person. When questioned on whether a situation is exclusive laugh in a maniacal fashion. Then tell them they are stupid which sounds like an answer but isn’t. Then continue.   Even if exclusivity is ‘forced’ upon you, laugh when all evidence points to the contrary and remind said person that they are lucky to have even entertained you this long. The key here is to say one thing whilst clearly doing another so as to confuse people. Then you can have all the genitalia that you want at your disposal whilst deciding who you may or may not keep.

Get a cat.

At least one. The more the merrier. The cat piss smell will cover the stench of your dead hopes and dreams. You can dress them in outfits that you would dress your real neglected children in. YOU TOO CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS.

Get even more sickened by those around you that are happy and having fun.

Make sure to ruin all family outings, or friends meeting up. Cry. Start fights. Moan. Never compromise. This will cut down your friends and you can have more quality alone time masturbating at home. Which secretly is what we all want really. Again slippers and dressing gowns optional.

Meet friends for lunch.

Meet up with friends for an early lunch and listen to them talk about ‘adulting’. Realise that whilst you are doing an okay job by only drinking three nights a week and reducing your weekly drug intake that they are doing it better. Maybe they’ve even mentioned ‘mortgages’ or ‘planning a baby’. So whilst you’re simultaneously happy for them being so ‘together’, jealous (because they own a gaff) and disgusted (talk of babies) drink lots of wine and later cry about how your highest aspiration is to have/not have another abortion. That’ll learn them for being productive.

Sleep less.

What the fuck are you doing sleeping past 9? You need to be out adulting. Being an adult. Or inside being an adult. That oven won’t scrub itself.

Don’t get bored.

If you get bored you may revert to things like socialising, drinking for fun (not to drown your sorrows) and meeting new people (and as we all know new people are the enemy). Keep your brain moving by reading The Daily Mail to keep you angry (and slowly over time make you angry with everyone) and watching Jeremy Kyle (which will make you happy you started working after years of being unemployed because now you can point the finger).

Sit on your sofa in your pants covered in crackers watching Game of Thrones.

Grow a lawn so you can shout at kids to get off it.

Hurley stick in hand wearing a dressing gown is optional but really adds to the effect.

Embrace your cynical side.

Remember everyone is a self-serving asshole. Don’t rely on anyone but yourself. Spend a lot of time in isolation (it’s OK to crack open cans and drink like you are 20 on your own in this instance. Drinking alone to excess is modern adulting). Scoff at happy and revel in your own vitriol.

Stop using text speak.

I’m sorry but you can’t be an adult and spell like you spilled alphabet spaghetti on the ground. Nobody will take you seriously and it makes you look seriously stupid.

Recognise your faults.

And that’s it. Use phrases like ‘well this is what I’m like so deal with it’ rather than change. Fuck change. Resist it at all costs. You’re getting old. Why should you change now?

Have an existential crisis.

So have this crisis, realise that you’re getting old and then go sleep with someone younger than you. I’d like to say that half your age plus seven is a golden rule to follow but rules were made to be broken. Do it. Remind yourself you’re cool, move on and continue ‘adulting’.

Stop saying that you’re ‘creative’.

You’re not creative. You’re a twat without a job. Seriously what was the last creative thing you ever did? Something from three years ago doesn’t count. Your writing skills might be ok but seriously cop the fuck on.

PEACE OUT!   (*drops microphone on floor like an angry prick and walks off)

When I’m not asleep I’m thinking.  When I can’t sleep it’s because I’m thinking.  It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular; it’s just the way my brain works.  So I started making lists in my head about lots of things.  The result was a pointless self indulgent list.  Years of just watching and not feeling like a part of things recently has lead me to break down other people’s behaviour to a level I had only subconsciously thought about People have all sorts of weird tics and patterns; some more obvious than others but they are worth looking at.

So what I’ve attempted to do here in a sleep deprived state with my stupid loud brain is make a list of some of the types of people that you may or may not encounter in your life on a day-to-day basis. These are people I have definitely come across anyway. These categorisations are not mutually exclusive either – people are more complicated than just fitting into one little box – and as much as you might think I’m going to be gender specific with these – I’m not. These apply to everyone. Also, unless you are one or two of these types of people you’re probably alright – some are really negative though

The Pleaser

This is fundamentally a good person, possibly with low confidence and a tendency towards passivity. They really just want to be liked and enjoy the feeling of being helpful or making people happy They may go out of their way for people or be full of surprises. Often this person is overlooked and treated quite badly resulting in Irish Martyr Syndrome later in life. Often confused with The Needy (see below) this person similarly wants to be liked but not to the extent that they are actually desperate to fill a void in their lives.   When dealing with The Pleaser it is important to make sure that you acknowledge what they have done for you or others – just even so that they don’t become bitter.

The Plate Spinner

Closely related to The Flake (see below) The Plate Spinner only pulls their finger out when the rug is pulled out from under them by making a last minute panicked effort to avoid whatever the consequences are. A prime example of this would be a person who previously made no effort with you as a friend or other half, you say you’re done, they promise you the moon and the fucking stars. Typically then they revert to previous behaviour after a short while and the cycle continues. Whether it is the idea of having your cake and eating it, complete indifference or laziness that keeps this person around is completely dependent on the person and what you allow yourself to be sucked into.

The Elitist

This person is better than you, or at least this is what they’ve been brought up to believe. They generally snipe at people, are arrogant, extremely dry and super critical.   They can be very subtle in their approach to this as they may not even be aware of the fact that they come across as a condescending prick. Do you need that much negativity around you?

The Worrier

The worrier is a way at looking at someone who thinks a lot, plans and considers things. They may be hung up on events from the past and want to ensure history does not repeat itself. They aren’t focused on the present – it’s mostly the past and the future – which in itself makes it very hard to move on. They get overwhelmed a lot by the simplest of things and need a lot of time to process thoughts and feelings before deciding what they want. They remember details and are prone to feeling that things are always going to turn out badly.

The Flake

The Flake will never go out of their way for you. IN fact, you should count yourself lucky if they actually turn up. When they grace you with their presence you won’t know what mood you’ll find them. Trying to plan something with them that might be tomorrow is like trying to get wax your own arsehole – painful and pointless.

The Letch

This goes for everyone! The letch cannot look at one person for very long without their eyes constantly darting off to other people. Are they looking for someone better looking to talk to? They’d be a slag if they could but more than likely lack the charisma, what with the drooling and all. These people may be friends with both genders but don’t be confused if you’re their gender of preference – they’re really only interested in the contents of your pants.

The Needler/Gaslighter

This is just a dangerous person. We’ve all had a ‘friend’ or been in a relationship where someone just makes you feel shit but you don’t think it is actually their doing. Somehow this person has found your weaknesses and insecurities. They act like your subconscious at its worst. Highly manipulative and skilled this person wants to keep you around to make them feel better about themselves as a best case scenario. Prone to lying and making you feel like you’re the crazy person they will suck the life out of you in such a subtle way that you won’t even feel it until one day you just wake up out of it. Do they have low or high self esteem? Who gives a flying fuck I say.

The Hardened

This person can be as cold as anything, stoic, dry and possibly quite funny. Whatever has happened, or however they have grown, they have developed a weirdly guarded shell. This can manifest itself in many ways; reluctance to open up, unwillingness to engage with feelings, awkward around physical contact and stubbornness. The funny thing is that when this person actually breaks away from this pattern a myriad of emotions come out (but that’s only if you have the time and patience) and it’s an awesome thing to behold. However, fuck with this person and upset them and you will feel some serious wrath. They can be badasses so Jesus do not rub them up the wrong way – because that’s exactly what they are waiting for. This can like being alone a lot in a land where there is no compromise.

The Sponge

The Sponge is a spectacular ally or enemy depending on how they use their powers. If you are reading this and feel that you are one of these I really hope you use your powers for good.   The sponge, as the name implies, absorbs everything and assimilates it into a preconceived notion of a person. They ask good questions in conversations, listen and uncover seriously private things from people in the space of a few minutes. They now have the choice of what to do with this information which has incredible evil potential.

The Mirror

The Mirror doesn’t know what they are doing. They feel completely out of sync with everyone else and don’t know how to act in public. In social situations they simply do what everyone else does to fit in. Everyone laughs, they laugh. They cannot make head nor tale of human interaction so they coast copying others. In a one on one situation they may be much better but there really generally doesn’t seem to be too much going on with them.

The Bullshitter

The Bullshitter is closely related to The Plate Spinner but their goals are often even more short term. They are so bloody charming that you think, or maybe rather hope, that they are genuine. They are very emotionally clever, possibly even crossed with The Sponge, and can adapt their behaviour and overly zealous compliments to suit the focus of their shirt attention span. Perhaps less genuine than The Plate Spinner they are playing more of a game than being lazy. They’re super hard to identify but if you are showered with compliments early on keep away. Part of me feels that this particular type of person is so filled with shit that they do not have any substance of their own or that this is a facet of the bigger picture – which is that they aer actually The Mess underneath it.

The Needy

The Needy wants to be liked. In fact, that’s a understatement – they NEED to be NEEDED. Going overboard and out of their way for you constantly, knowing very little about you, they border on a stalker. But they hardly know you, yeah? That’s because they have a void to fill and they could do it indiscriminately but nobody has time for that. Whilst The Pleaser enjoys seeing people happy THE NEEDY do it because they want something in return.

The Mess

The Mess is troubled but doesn’t want to talk about it. The Mess wants to get drunk and indulge and do anything but deal with the real issues. They are listless, often bored, traumatized by something and not willing to do anything more than numb themselves.

The Provoker

The Provoker is a funny wanker that says controversial things all the time just to stir shit. They don’t even mean half the vitriol they spout – they just like making people uncomfortable or angry. The worst kind of provoker, however, is one that is a hybrid with The Elitist.

Anyway there are way more types of people than that. I cut the list down loads. It’s definitely not exhaustive (I mean I didn’t include The No Filter, The Emotional Vampire, The Self Entitled, The Man Child, The Talker to name but a few). Also, it’s only my take on them. I’m not saying I’m right. I can see a couple of these that are actually quite apt when it comes to me in fairness.

STUPID BRAIN SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!

I’m not really sure if I’m a good person but I’d like to think I am.   Maybe everybody has different criteria as to what makes you ‘good’ and maybe mine are different but it seems to me that lots of people simply don’t understand the basics of being decent. I’m not saying I’m awesome – definitely not – but I think I try to consider the implications of my actions on other people. There are plenty of things that are immoral that I do, or have done, like shoplifting, which do not directly hurt an individual or group. I have a code for my own behaviour, but unfortunately because it seems like common sense I would think that everybody else would operate with something similar and that leads to disappointment as people are generally selfish fools.

So what’s my moral code eh?

Mean what you say.

98% of the time I mean what I say. I generally don’t lie or exaggerate or say manipulative things to get what I want. Do not repeat said lie. The more you say it the more real it becomes to the other person. If someone asks me something I don’t want to answer I change the subject. If you want an honest opinion about something I’ll say exactly what I think and probably won’t sugar coat it though.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Just don’t. Why would you do that? Especially if it hasn’t been provoked. Don’t through about flippant comments or suggestions to appease people – especially if you know that they are stupid things to say that you have no intention of fulfilling. I think this particularly annoys me because like the one above I am pretty clear about everything and stick to my words and promises.

Only slag people if you can take a slagging.

Even then be very careful with what you slag people about.

Avoid confrontation.

Just do. Don’t get sucked into drama and try your best not to raise your voice. Be careful and diplomatic with your language. Don’t let yourself be obviously angry. In saying that don’t be a doormat either.

Don’t shit where you eat.

If you’re going to do things (or people, heh) and it could come back to bite you in the ass, even though you technically did nothing wrong, at least do it in a way that is completely removed from your day-to-day life. Personally I think it’s a bad idea to bang people from work or who have been your friends for ages. Be careful who you tell things to and remember there are consequences for your actions.

Have empathy

Don’t shout at people or treat them like shit.   Despite my general cynical approach to people I am really patient and always give people another chance – perhaps to my detriment. Think about the possibility that what you are doing might hurt someone. I mean sometimes these things are unavoidable and unfortunate but you can deal with it delicately if you consider others. That’s not to say that you put others before yourself, which is a thing I’m only catching on to recently, but a little thoughtfulness goes a long way.

Don’t do things to get praise

Every day I do little tiny things for people that they would never recognise. I don’t want the praise. I want to be nice. It could be helping an old person with their shopping, giving up my seat on the bus or cleaning someone else’s mess. You shouldn’t do these things to get recognition – you should do them because they are the right thing to do. In saying that, it is nice to be appreciated but that shouldn’t be your goal. So maybe if you see someone doing nice things or being awesome you should tell them.

Try not to be completely self absorbed.

Do not just talk about yourself. Ask questions. Listen. Do not plod over the same narrative, over and over again. If you do you’ll notice people roll their eyes the second you open your mouth. So I talk fuck all about the things that are really bothering me because who wants to listen to that shit?

Be honest

Even if it’s harsh be honest. It’s better in the long run.

Be your own person

Do not compromise who you are to endure the company of someone who doesn’t get that you are already awesome. I’ve bitten my tongue long enough and let things go on when I was completely uncomfortable with the situation. All ended up biting me in the ass and then I felt like a fool that should’ve stood up for myself more. People have less respect for the malleable anyway so don’t lose sight of who you are and want you want.

Be clear.

If you’re clear about what you want and you see that your wishes are not being respected then you know it’s not your problem and you can deal with it whatever way you see fit.

Be polite.

Manners cost nothing, ye cunts.

Know you can always be better.

Stay humble. Because arrogant fuckers are annoying.

There. That’s it. I ran out of time.

Being self-aware sounds like it’d be awesome when you say it out loud. You’d think that recognising things in your head, behavioural patterns and your own tics and motivations with a highly articulate inner monologue would be the ideal way to live and sort out your life… But I’ve been thinking about it….

And meh….

I often wonder what it would be like to plough through life like a belligerent pig blissfully unaware of my motivations and the effects of my actions on other people. To just burst through everything to get what I want and never establish connections between cause and effect, reality and fantasy and I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt entitled to something that I wasn’t. It must be bliss, although perhaps somewhat confusing when things don’t go your way, to just only have to think about the immediate things that you think you need. It must be liberating to free yourself from the shackles of empathy, sympathy and selflessness and never question why you’re such an asshole. Then again, if you have no self-awareness I’d hazard a guess and say that the majority of your friendships are superficial and you’ve pissed lots of people off. Thing is because you might actually be verging on delusion you won’t doubt yourself, and as we all know self-doubt translates as lack of confidence which translates as weak.

A little over a year ago I went to a psychiatrist. What I found out from this whole experience was not what I had expected. He tried to make me meditate (heh), have confidence in the fact that other people have treated me badly but that it isn’t any indication of my worth and take magic medicine. These were all expected. The thing that I took from everything was that I am self- aware… reinforced by the fact that the doctor actually said the sentence ‘you are actually ridiculously self- aware’ and then asked me if he could use some of my thoughts to apply to his own life (I was worried that he was making all these notes because I was a case study of something unusual – not the case).  Anyway I didn’t go for long because I’m a cocky bitch and thought I had gleaned everything from it that I could.

So I thought about how I’m self-aware and traced my behavioural patterns and thought about how I weighed up situations, look at options and what key things help me make my decisions. I mean, I know exactly what I want, or more to the point what I don’t want (much bigger list) and constantly think about how what I do has an impact on others. Thing is, that even recognising these doesn’t mean you can change them. Some things are force of habit and to detach yourself from stupid things you’ve been doing your whole life is no easy task. Also the constant weighing up of situations makes me wary and possibly come across as doubting myself when I’m simply trying to make the best choice for everyone that I can.

I considered the whole self-awareness thing as well in terms of language. In my experience clever people will always be a bit more troubled or unhappy. The fact that you can articulate what you want and what you need or even your feelings (purely in your head) is even more frustrating when they are unachievable. You know exactly what you want, you have an idea of how to get it, you know why you want it but whether you can actually do it is completely another thing. The fact that you can articulate all these things only compounds the feelings of failure should you even get very far. Language seems to restrict your thoughts in the sense that you are no longer operating in a purely instinctual short term – which depending on your outlook is a good or a bad thing. I mean, I’d love to be an accidental prick and still think I was great. I’d love not have to consider other people, or factors and could make more impulsive (only when sober) faster decisions rather than ponder things, letting them percolate in my brain and causing some kind of weird decision paralysis. And in the long run, no matter what you do, no matter how nice you try to be you’re still going to be piss people off.

So are you aware or not? Here’s a list of things that blissfully unaware people do.

1. Say insulting things by accident.
2. Demand and/or boss people.
3. Not understand the concept of personal space.
4. Not understand the needs or wants of others.
5. Have a sense of entitlement
6. Spoilt brat syndrome
7. Completely unaware when people do nice things for them – unappreciative and probably rude.
8. Rude and bad mannered
9. Possibly angry a lot, based on poor decision making, based on selfishness and may start friction.
10. They don’t choose their battles – either by accident or on purpose they have lots of battles.

So again I wonder whether I’d be better off switching off my brain and not bothering with social etiquette and just look after myself, a completely impulsive arsehole or whether I’m better off using the grey matter that I have in setting unattainable goals that will make me miserable?

A little over a year ago I found a massive lump in my tit when I was in the shower shaving. It was beyond me how it had gone unrecognised considering its size so the shock that I experienced was super intense. The thought that I may possibly lose one, let alone have to undergo any kind of treatment for the dreaded ‘c’ immediately scared the shit out of me. Up to this point that I had thought of my funbags as nothing more than a hindrance but now I was faced with the fact that they might not always be there.

I have always had a weird and possibly troubled relationship with my tits. They started growing when I was about 8, very suddenly and very painfully, until by the time I was 9 that I actually could wear a bra. By the time I was 11 I was a C cup but tried ridiculously hard to hide my new shape. In an all girl school people frequently pointed out when I was wearing a bra, or that I had tits, and on more than one occasion girls pulled my top up against my will to check them out. To poke and prod and examine what they had yet to develop as if they were everybody else’s property more than even my own.

You’d think having large tits developed at an early age would be in some way beneficial. That if nothing else it would get you noticed. I suppose it did but when mixed with hormonal teenage boys with a general lack of empathy and the ultimate goal of purely seeing/touching them and my own naivety it was rarely the kind of genuine attention that was actually required. Even when I was young I was already distinctly pegged in a sexual way… simply because I had large boobs. They were my only attribute to many people and when you hear back that some guy (a total minger by the way with a supposed right to an opinion on my appearance) has said ‘nice tits, shame about the face’ you can’t help but nearly wish you could remove them with a belt sander.

So I suppose it took a semi-serious situation for me to think about how my tits were important to me. Part of my femininity. Part of me. Possibly being taken away.   And despite all the crap that goes with them and the fact that I knew that I was only a wobbling mass of cleavage to some people the thought of having them removed or cut terrified me. Would I still be me without them? Would I still be a girl if it came to it? What the fuck else would anybody ever like about me?

I am sure that most people have some kind of preference of aesthetic of boobs. I mean we all have preferences. Now I like tits as much as the next person but as of yet I’ve yet to come across any that I thought were ugly. That’s why I find somebody saying ‘nice tits’ as if it’s a seriously high quality compliment ridiculously stupid. Even assuming that this is based purely on size (which I think in my case it is) you might as well tell me that I have eyes. Yes, I have tits. Yes, they are big (I think that they are an F cup now because I lost weight). Yes, the bounce. That’s what big tits do. It’s really not a compliment. It simply shows that you think nothing more of me. Considering that this is something that has always come up, and to a point has made me feel like it is my only redeeming feature, I advise people to seriously think about whether it is a compliment at all. All girls know their tits. Most tits are nice. This is a fact. Your endorsement of them means nothing. In fact, it means you see nothing else.

It took me a while to realise that my tits appeared to be public property. They were a constant topic of conversations that people had in front of me, both male and female. You could see people staring at them, should I decide to show them off a bit, (something that I rarely do now because it makes me uncomfortable) nudge their friends to look and then expect me to just be OK with it. I’ve been (along with probably most other girls) groped and poked because people believe they are entitled to them. Entitled to comment on them. Entitled to touch them. A guy that pursued me for a while told me that he apparently knew I was out on the pull when he met me (at 11am no less) because I had a low cut top on. Yes, obviously I go on the pull at 11 in the morning and a low cut top is a guarantee of that. Go fuck yourself. Seriously. How I dress is no indication of anything like that. Just because you think ‘sex’ when I have my boobs out don’t project your horniness onto me. In saying that, I cannot wear certain things, no matter how much I like them, because of the way that strangers treat me. It’s a shame. If I want to have my tits out I should be able to.

In fairness, I don’t hate them. I hate the way they are treated. I hate the way everyone seems to feel to have a right to have an opinion on them. Realistic ally they are big sacks of fat. They seem more trouble than they are worth but they have helped shape me into a bit of a badass. I seem to attract people that are overtly interested in tits and in my experience the majority of these people are assholes. So I have plenty of experience in dealing with assholes and take less shit. It took a while to get there though and by my early twenties I was so pissed off with them that I started saving to get a breast reduction. It was only when I realised that they remove the nipple and move it, reducing if not permanently destroying sensitivity, that I decided against it.

I was terrified if the lump was the worst case scenario that I wouldn’t be me any more. That I wouldn’t be able to cuddle my child in a super comforting way, rest my arms between them to get warm or try on a corset. That my shape would be all wrong. That I wouldn’t be able to keep as much money in my bra any more or let anyone see me naked ever again. That I’d be less symmetrical than ever and that I wouldn’t be a woman.

I have never been so happy to hear the words ‘It’s just a big cyst’.

See the problem with my tits was never my tits. It was the way people reacted to them. The way people think that your appearance, particularly when it makes them think if sex, is the easiest and/or only way to define you. I am more than my tits. I don’t sit around discussing cocks, walk up to people and grab their crotches (well this one time….) or judge a guy on the merit of his penis. I might think about them but I think people are more than their bits. We are all more than that.

People are mostly predictable. I’ve come to realise that over the last 32 years of watching them. Well that and reading a lot about mental health, psychology and stupid gender based self- help books (seriously just to make myself angry). When I was about five I remember deliberately deciding that I couldn’t be bothered with making friends. People seemed too complicated and mean. So I just watched them, which in hindsight probably was a bit creepy (I didn’t hurt animals or anything like). It wasn’t that I was sad or depressed or eager to make friends. Nothing like that at all. I just didn’t see the point in attempting to interact with other people, or at least keep it to the minimum.  I saw even at a tiny age that there were hierarchies, dominant and no-so dominate characters, rule breakers and cool motherfuckers (even at five) that did whatever they wanted but didn’t seem to try. I saw all of these as an observer – not a casual one either – because I was intrigued. It was like watching fish in a bowl.

So I reckon I’ve made myself seem like a total sociopath now…..

OK, maybe now I have friends but I learned a lot from those few years. I watch, I assess and I weigh up situations, even when I’m not involved in them. It could be a gut feeling about meeting someone for the first time, or watching a couple on the verge of an argument or listening to some old people in conversation about something completely inane. I like looking at micro expressions, body language, tone, nuance, content and form. I like to guess but usually have accumulated a lot of information to back my theories up.   I like it when I notice that somebody’s body language doesn’t match up with what they’re saying. I like it when I know somebody is lying (even if it’s to me which is super smug I guess but still). Sometimes, when I’m really on the ball, I can predict the outcomes of what I’m watching perfectly – which isn’t half as cocky as it sounds if it’s a fact. Which it is.

So what have I noticed? Well, I’ve no massive nuggets of information to divulge but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

People are all inherently selfish.

In more tangible terms I’ve noticed several little things over the years that are tell-tale ways to gauge your position in some scenarios. Unless you’re dealing with a proper sociopath.   Then you have serious problems.

Here are a few of them:

Irritability over insignificant things.

This can signify a number of things. Particularly when it’s another half. I’ve found people generally try to start fights over stupid things when they want a way out or, if there is another serious underlying issue.

There will always be some cool motherfucker.

The cool motherfucker is possibly the most powerful person in any dynamic. They don’t try very hard, none of their ‘fun’ is contrived and they are probably relatively quiet whilst still approachable. They are rarely visibly nasty and are obviously more secure than anyone that tries to dominate a conversation.

What is not being said is more important than what is said.

Words fall out of peoples’ mouths like scuttery poop. And you can cling onto them despite the fact that all evidence points to the contrary of your belief. If you read between the lines the inability of someone to give you a direct answer also speaks volumes. Nuance is also important but that depends on the eloquence of the person. Also certain words and phrases (which for my own benefit I shall not reveal) set off alarm bells in my head, much like rape jokes.

People project onto each other all the time.

People are just what they are. There aren’t as many layers as people would have you believe. You can try to read a situation sometimes and end up so confused. I always find the easiest thing to do is just accept the situation as is. If someone starts being an asshole for no reason it’s because of them pushing something from themselves onto you. It’s not your issue.

Overcompensating is headwrecking.

Please stop.  We’re not 14 anymore like. You don’t need to talk all the time so we won’t forget you’re alive. Everything is not dramatic and emotional. You do not need to be the centre of the universe to enjoy being alive. You do not need constant validation to be a real person. You do not need that one person you’ve been pining after the last four years. No one person is that important, or more to the point, should ever be so important that their absence (or their rejection of you) from your life makes you feel you have no purpose. You need to not give a fuck anymore.

Everyone is repelled by desperation.

An extension of number 5 this is completely true. If someone is constantly seeking validation, forcing themselves into your presence whilst also being overly familiar it can get quite suffocatey. It’s not your job to fix other people and most people won’t – especially if you stink of neediness.   You don’t want to complete someone. That’s gross.

People constantly test your boundaries.

I do this an awful lot. I do this on everyone and I’ve known when people have done it to me. This is where people try to nudge you in their way of thinking about something – some more subtle than others. It could be a sex thing or it could be a dare but whether you do it or not, or even how you react, helps form a person’s perception of you. It also defines the power dynamic of a relationship or friendship. I do not respond well to any attempt to subvert me in this fashion – it’s about control and dominance. You could be fucked if you do the wrong thing at the wrong time. So be careful. And as I said I do this all the time so if you’re reading this I’ve probably done it with you.

You can appear really open whilst actually being very guarded.

It’s all about how people present themselves. You could talk to someone for hours about absolutely nothing, have a great time, think you got to know them… but did you? Did you actually garner any information about them at all? It’s amazingly easy to seem really open and friendly, which in fairness could be the case, whilst not opening up even the tiniest bit. Again, I think I do this (though it’s possibly more of defence mechanism more than anything) but more often than not the people that do this are kind of dangerous and stockpile information. They probably found out all your deep dark secrets when you were drunk.

You will see other people weighing up situations as well and they will think that you don’t know what they are doing.

You can smell your own. Thing is I think people watching can give you this kind of elitist smug feeling. I know other people do this. I can see them. They are smug because they think nobody can see. Nobody can be that controlled that you won’t pick up on it. I don’t feel that smug. I just feel like an observer most of the time and the rest of the time I do it to try and adapt comfortably into a situation or avoid nastiness.

It is easy to manipulate people.

Again, not to seem like a sociopath but you can make people do things.  This can range from emotional blackmail to a few seemingly casual phrases or words inserted into a conversation at an optimum time to looking like your having more fun than you are.   Not that I do… or if I do they aren’t bad things. All it takes is planting a seed. I see it happen all the time. Now that’s real power, eh? AM I DOING IT NOW? AM I?! Huh?!

Sometimes I wonder whether what I do has isolated me from the human experience. I wonder if I am emotionally stunted because I detach myself from things so much and watch and analyse.  I mean I am happier inside my head than out of it, most of the time.  Do I actually really feel the things I feel or am I just affecting what I think ‘normal’ human behaviour should be? Am I Data from Star Trek? Are any of my experiences involving interaction actually genuine? Either way though I am so deeply entrenched in this I can’t really and don’t really want to change. There are way too many good points to people watching and as a result, befriending less assholes, than to change now. However, in the wrong hands with enough malice and intellect people watching can be a powerful and dangerous skill.

“Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.”

Dylan Moran (Monster)

I am not a proper grown up. Nothing about me has adult stamped on it, other than the child, who acts more like my friend than anything. Not that I think that any of the markers of adulthood are really the only markers of success; house, significant other, planned parenthood or career, but I think it bothers me that it has only become apparent to me that at 32 I should have some kind of plan. I don’t even care when I see some people look at me with some kind of pity because I haven’t really achieved anything that constitutes success in their eyes. The thing is that I haven’t cared until this point, content floating around, not living past the moment and very rarely thinking about anything other than the short term.

The way it stands I have no plan. I just act like I’m a student with zero responsibilities. I mean I have Pokemon tattoos for fuck sake and I don’t even regret them because they’re awesome. If I were to come up with a plan I suppose it would focus on career type stuff – generating some kind of stability for myself, the chisler and the cat. Then I’d have to consider what I would like to do, what my talents are and how to achieve this. I draw a blank then – you can’t make a life for yourself from cider and Buckfast, or fighting with people on the internet or writing a crappy self-indulgent blog. I reckon if the child wasn’t a factor I wouldn’t be in the country – in fact, I probably would have left 5 years ago – but that in itself isn’t something that I think of as holding me back. With or without Oscar I’d probably still be a messer, with a skittish brain, unable to focus on something for more than an hour at a time, hung over eating tuna from a tin in bed.

I suppose motivation with creative endeavours is a massive factor. Even Hunter S. Thompson was motivated enough to write and he was shitfaced all the time. I’d love to do something that was as close as possible to something that I just naturally do. Then again, am I actually good enough to do any of these things? Like would someone actually pay to hear or read my musings on racism, waxing and one night stands? Would anybody actually want to work with me writing creepy stories for kids or make fake documentaries? Every time I see a writing or creative type job that even vaguely interests me part of it seems soul crushing, but it would still be better than the lack of direction I have now and I know because there are a million people applying for them I probably won’t stand out enough to get it. Even if I got a decent job that was pleasant enough to work in I constantly wonder whether I am responsible enough to keep it. I guess that’s why I have procrastinated by being an eternal student so at least I have an excuse for not having a house or career (despite the fact that I did have a house when I was 23).

That’s not to say I have regrets. I mean I honestly am happy that I am not working somewhere where I am miserable, stuck with a person I hate with a mortgage I can’t afford. I’m picky like that. I honestly love the boho lifestyle and the fact that I don’t have a 9 to 5 but a bit of me is a bit disappointed that I’m not a lot more stable and sorted by now. Like that I would have an anchor into the real world or something. I think that really centres on the career element. 12 years of college should get me something y’know? But as with any of these ‘markers’ of success I’m not just going to take the first thing that presents itself to me. My standards are probably too high to be attainable but at this point I don’t want to compromise on anything. I don’t know what I want but I know what I definitely don’t want. I’m happy now but don’t want to be doing the same shit in ten years, because quite frankly, I’d be a bit sad then, with three more cats and possibly a full blown alcoholic.

How do you form a plan? How do you get a job with a series of qualifications that are so fucking abstract that they have little practical application to real life? Seriously, I have no idea what I’d be good at even that would be in some way rewarding. It’s not even about money – it’s about being responsible, which is not my forte. I like to run away from anything that requires more than minimal effort because I think I’d be ashamed if I actually was faced with the reality of my lack of potential.