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Crap adult, OK human.

People Watching P2: Insomnia and Introspection

When I’m not asleep I’m thinking.  When I can’t sleep it’s because I’m thinking.  It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular; it’s just the way my brain works.  So I started making lists in my head about lots of things.  The result was a pointless self indulgent list.  Years of just watching and not feeling like a part of things recently has lead me to break down other people’s behaviour to a level I had only subconsciously thought about People have all sorts of weird tics and patterns; some more obvious than others but they are worth looking at.

So what I’ve attempted to do here in a sleep deprived state with my stupid loud brain is make a list of some of the types of people that you may or may not encounter in your life on a day-to-day basis. These are people I have definitely come across anyway. These categorisations are not mutually exclusive either – people are more complicated than just fitting into one little box – and as much as you might think I’m going to be gender specific with these – I’m not. These apply to everyone. Also, unless you are one or two of these types of people you’re probably alright – some are really negative though

The Pleaser

This is fundamentally a good person, possibly with low confidence and a tendency towards passivity. They really just want to be liked and enjoy the feeling of being helpful or making people happy They may go out of their way for people or be full of surprises. Often this person is overlooked and treated quite badly resulting in Irish Martyr Syndrome later in life. Often confused with The Needy (see below) this person similarly wants to be liked but not to the extent that they are actually desperate to fill a void in their lives.   When dealing with The Pleaser it is important to make sure that you acknowledge what they have done for you or others – just even so that they don’t become bitter.

The Plate Spinner

Closely related to The Flake (see below) The Plate Spinner only pulls their finger out when the rug is pulled out from under them by making a last minute panicked effort to avoid whatever the consequences are. A prime example of this would be a person who previously made no effort with you as a friend or other half, you say you’re done, they promise you the moon and the fucking stars. Typically then they revert to previous behaviour after a short while and the cycle continues. Whether it is the idea of having your cake and eating it, complete indifference or laziness that keeps this person around is completely dependent on the person and what you allow yourself to be sucked into.

The Elitist

This person is better than you, or at least this is what they’ve been brought up to believe. They generally snipe at people, are arrogant, extremely dry and super critical.   They can be very subtle in their approach to this as they may not even be aware of the fact that they come across as a condescending prick. Do you need that much negativity around you?

The Worrier

The worrier is a way at looking at someone who thinks a lot, plans and considers things. They may be hung up on events from the past and want to ensure history does not repeat itself. They aren’t focused on the present – it’s mostly the past and the future – which in itself makes it very hard to move on. They get overwhelmed a lot by the simplest of things and need a lot of time to process thoughts and feelings before deciding what they want. They remember details and are prone to feeling that things are always going to turn out badly.

The Flake

The Flake will never go out of their way for you. IN fact, you should count yourself lucky if they actually turn up. When they grace you with their presence you won’t know what mood you’ll find them. Trying to plan something with them that might be tomorrow is like trying to get wax your own arsehole – painful and pointless.

The Letch

This goes for everyone! The letch cannot look at one person for very long without their eyes constantly darting off to other people. Are they looking for someone better looking to talk to? They’d be a slag if they could but more than likely lack the charisma, what with the drooling and all. These people may be friends with both genders but don’t be confused if you’re their gender of preference – they’re really only interested in the contents of your pants.

The Needler/Gaslighter

This is just a dangerous person. We’ve all had a ‘friend’ or been in a relationship where someone just makes you feel shit but you don’t think it is actually their doing. Somehow this person has found your weaknesses and insecurities. They act like your subconscious at its worst. Highly manipulative and skilled this person wants to keep you around to make them feel better about themselves as a best case scenario. Prone to lying and making you feel like you’re the crazy person they will suck the life out of you in such a subtle way that you won’t even feel it until one day you just wake up out of it. Do they have low or high self esteem? Who gives a flying fuck I say.

The Hardened

This person can be as cold as anything, stoic, dry and possibly quite funny. Whatever has happened, or however they have grown, they have developed a weirdly guarded shell. This can manifest itself in many ways; reluctance to open up, unwillingness to engage with feelings, awkward around physical contact and stubbornness. The funny thing is that when this person actually breaks away from this pattern a myriad of emotions come out (but that’s only if you have the time and patience) and it’s an awesome thing to behold. However, fuck with this person and upset them and you will feel some serious wrath. They can be badasses so Jesus do not rub them up the wrong way – because that’s exactly what they are waiting for. This can like being alone a lot in a land where there is no compromise.

The Sponge

The Sponge is a spectacular ally or enemy depending on how they use their powers. If you are reading this and feel that you are one of these I really hope you use your powers for good.   The sponge, as the name implies, absorbs everything and assimilates it into a preconceived notion of a person. They ask good questions in conversations, listen and uncover seriously private things from people in the space of a few minutes. They now have the choice of what to do with this information which has incredible evil potential.

The Mirror

The Mirror doesn’t know what they are doing. They feel completely out of sync with everyone else and don’t know how to act in public. In social situations they simply do what everyone else does to fit in. Everyone laughs, they laugh. They cannot make head nor tale of human interaction so they coast copying others. In a one on one situation they may be much better but there really generally doesn’t seem to be too much going on with them.

The Bullshitter

The Bullshitter is closely related to The Plate Spinner but their goals are often even more short term. They are so bloody charming that you think, or maybe rather hope, that they are genuine. They are very emotionally clever, possibly even crossed with The Sponge, and can adapt their behaviour and overly zealous compliments to suit the focus of their shirt attention span. Perhaps less genuine than The Plate Spinner they are playing more of a game than being lazy. They’re super hard to identify but if you are showered with compliments early on keep away. Part of me feels that this particular type of person is so filled with shit that they do not have any substance of their own or that this is a facet of the bigger picture – which is that they aer actually The Mess underneath it.

The Needy

The Needy wants to be liked. In fact, that’s a understatement – they NEED to be NEEDED. Going overboard and out of their way for you constantly, knowing very little about you, they border on a stalker. But they hardly know you, yeah? That’s because they have a void to fill and they could do it indiscriminately but nobody has time for that. Whilst The Pleaser enjoys seeing people happy THE NEEDY do it because they want something in return.

The Mess

The Mess is troubled but doesn’t want to talk about it. The Mess wants to get drunk and indulge and do anything but deal with the real issues. They are listless, often bored, traumatized by something and not willing to do anything more than numb themselves.

The Provoker

The Provoker is a funny wanker that says controversial things all the time just to stir shit. They don’t even mean half the vitriol they spout – they just like making people uncomfortable or angry. The worst kind of provoker, however, is one that is a hybrid with The Elitist.

Anyway there are way more types of people than that. I cut the list down loads. It’s definitely not exhaustive (I mean I didn’t include The No Filter, The Emotional Vampire, The Self Entitled, The Man Child, The Talker to name but a few). Also, it’s only my take on them. I’m not saying I’m right. I can see a couple of these that are actually quite apt when it comes to me in fairness.


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