Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Hoes Before Bros 12 ways to have fun acting like a douchebag.


Get your dude to kiss a dude.

Dudes love kissing dudes to get girls off. Make them do it because it’s hot and there is nothing a dude likes better than doing something ‘hot’ to please his lady. But remember it’s only fun if it’s two guys. Girls kissing is fucking disgusting.

IMG_4657Dick Pics

Text a randomer from your phone book or on facebook late in the night. Maybe you’re drunk. Maybe you’re. Maybe you’re horny. Maybe you’re not. About two texts in start calling them sexy. By the third message start leaning towards your angle. Their cock. You must see it. You must see it in all its majestic and shiny glory now. You might not really want to even see it but hey let’s see what they’ll send you… even if they don’t want to you’ll see what you can get them to do. Make sure that the focus of the conversation alternates between how attractive you find them (coercion) and how aroused you are. Then when you send them make sure they know/think you are wanking about them because as we all know someone wanking over you when you’ve only met them once or twice is pretty flattering. And why shouldn’t they be flattered? I mean, how many girls ask dudes so persistently for dick pics. Whatever you do though, don’t entertain any further engagement with them unless it is meeting up with them for a quick drunk mutually unfulfilling ride at three in the morning.


Make sure that if the dude you’re seeing/with/messing with has a legitimate point about anything that you tell them that they are overly emotional. As the more emotional of the two sexes men need to be reminded to keep their feelings under control. They let their balls rule their brains and cannot function when it comes to serious things. So they want to know if you’re seeing other people or what the status of your meeting up is. Tell them they are being crazy because let’s face it – they’re all crazy needy anyway. Also, remind men that they are not as educated as women and that their opinions are actually superfluous to most conversations. You can say it playfully by calling them ‘silly’.

Happy chokey ending for you.

As we all know men love choking. You can see it the way some men push your head down really far on their cock or push your head all over the place with your eyes streaming. This leads me to the conclusion that men must love being choked or suffocated too. So, I suggest, and believe me he’ll love this, that when you are getting eaten out that as you being to arrive that you push your thighs extremely tight and grab his head pushing it in and up and down until you are done. Regardless of whether he can breathe or not he’ll thank you after. To add to the effect, in place of semen, simply smear your lady juice all over his face with your palm. He’ll probably look really grateful. If they don’t tell them to ‘lighten up’.

Make a lady cave

I want a cave. It will be filled with naked posters of men and women, board games, cans and art supplies. Nobody with a penis will enter unless it is to bring in cans or sandwiches. This person must be relatively good looking, younger than me and quiet. I don’t want no cheek in my lady cave.

Canadian Olympian Skiier

Remember that hot Canadian Olympic Skiier that you used to bang? Bring that up all the time. Especially to your current mott. Make sure they know that they were super hot, super fit and super good in the sack. The only things that men really need to be.

Put on weight

It is really unfair how weighted our society is towards the unfair treatment of men and their appearance. I mean, there is so much pressure for men to look good all the time and their sense of self-worth ends up being derived from it. So, as a good ‘lady’ friend make sure to remind your companion when they are starting to let themselves go and imply that you may go elsewhere for sexy times should they not keep up the standard.  But you can get do what you want, that’s grand.

Hair removal

Get your dude to remove all his pubes under the pretence that you will blow him more. Don’t blow him more and when he asks you to do a really half assed job.

Grab asses and balls

Do it like there is no tomorrow. Crowded dance floors are best. If they react badly it’s a ‘joke’, if they’re drunk enough to find it funny you might even get laid. Throw enough shit at a wall and some will stick.


Unprotected sex

After having unprotected sex act shocked when they ejaculate saying that you thought they ‘had it all under control.’ With a rise in male single pregnancies you’d think they’d have copped on to not getting themselves pregnant. Also, make sure to take his condom off like a ninja without him knowing mid sex. You can’t feel anything with condoms like. He should be on the pill like. Sure you’re clean, aren’t ya? Unless they’re a bleeding sluh.

Tell a bloke after you’ve orgasmed and are ready to sleep that ‘it’s normal that guys don’t cum every time?’ Stupid men – not knowing their own bodies.

Make intense eye contact with any good looking bloke that talks to you no matter who is there. Especially if your partner is there. Actually completely ignore your ‘partner’ (they’ll never really be your equal) if someone hot starts talking to you. Maybe even check out their balls. Sure, it keeps everyone in their own places.

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