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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I AM NOT A GROWN UP

“Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.”

Dylan Moran (Monster)

 internet

I am not a proper grown up. Nothing about me has adult stamped on it, other than the child, who acts more like my friend than anything. Not that I think that any of the markers of adulthood are really the only markers of success; house, significant other, planned parenthood or career, but I think it bothers me that it has only become apparent to me that at 32 I should have some kind of plan. I don’t even care when I see some people look at me with some kind of pity because I haven’t really achieved anything that constitutes success in their eyes. The thing is that I haven’t cared until this point, content floating around, not living past the moment and very rarely thinking about anything other than the short term.

The way it stands I have no plan. I just act like I’m a student with zero responsibilities. I mean I have Pokemon tattoos for fuck sake and I don’t even regret them because they’re awesome. If I were to come up with a plan I suppose it would focus on career type stuff – generating some kind of stability for myself, the chisler and the cat. Then I’d have to consider what I would like to do, what my talents are and how to achieve this. I draw a blank then – you can’t make a life for yourself from cider and Buckfast, or fighting with people on the internet or writing a crappy self-indulgent blog. I reckon if the child wasn’t a factor I wouldn’t be in the country – in fact, I probably would have left 5 years ago – but that in itself isn’t something that I think of as holding me back. With or without Oscar I’d probably still be a messer, with a skittish brain, unable to focus on something for more than an hour at a time, hung over eating tuna from a tin in bed.

I suppose motivation with creative endeavours is a massive factor. Even Hunter S. Thompson was motivated enough to write and he was shitfaced all the time. I’d love to do something that was as close as possible to something that I just naturally do. Then again, am I actually good enough to do any of these things? Like would someone actually pay to hear or read my musings on racism, waxing and one night stands? Would anybody actually want to work with me writing creepy stories for kids or make fake documentaries? Every time I see a writing or creative type job that even vaguely interests me part of it seems soul crushing, but it would still be better than the lack of direction I have now and I know because there are a million people applying for them I probably won’t stand out enough to get it. Even if I got a decent job that was pleasant enough to work in I constantly wonder whether I am responsible enough to keep it. I guess that’s why I have procrastinated by being an eternal student so at least I have an excuse for not having a house or career (despite the fact that I did have a house when I was 23).

That’s not to say I have regrets. I mean I honestly am happy that I am not working somewhere where I am miserable, stuck with a person I hate with a mortgage I can’t afford. I’m picky like that. I honestly love the boho lifestyle and the fact that I don’t have a 9 to 5 but a bit of me is a bit disappointed that I’m not a lot more stable and sorted by now. Like that I would have an anchor into the real world or something. I think that really centres on the career element. 12 years of college should get me something y’know? But as with any of these ‘markers’ of success I’m not just going to take the first thing that presents itself to me. My standards are probably too high to be attainable but at this point I don’t want to compromise on anything. I don’t know what I want but I know what I definitely don’t want. I’m happy now but don’t want to be doing the same shit in ten years, because quite frankly, I’d be a bit sad then, with three more cats and possibly a full blown alcoholic.

How do you form a plan? How do you get a job with a series of qualifications that are so fucking abstract that they have little practical application to real life? Seriously, I have no idea what I’d be good at even that would be in some way rewarding. It’s not even about money – it’s about being responsible, which is not my forte. I like to run away from anything that requires more than minimal effort because I think I’d be ashamed if I actually was faced with the reality of my lack of potential.

 

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