If my CV was honest

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To whom it may concern,

I’m only applying for this job in the hopes that you turn me down because I just want to tell people that I have been looking for ‘gainful employment’. I would much rather gouge my own eyes out than work for you, but, if you decide I have ‘what it takes’ I can promise you that I will work moderately hard for the first few months until I inevitably get bored and leave. I won’t thank you for minimum wage and obviously resent being micromanaged to the point that you won’t want to talk to me anymore.

I have terrible communication skills due to actually being a nervous introvert who unfortunately gets pegged as an extrovert all the time. I am incapable of small talk. Don’t worry though, I won’t ride anyone in the office either, or if I do you’ll never find out.

I think my greatest accomplishment is actually preventing others around me from being productive. You want to have races on the wheeled chairs or see who can put the most pegs on their face – I am your woman.

Please find my CV attached.

Fuck you,

Caroline Egan

DOB: I’m probably too old for this job.

The 5th address I’ve had in 4 years, fuck everything, Dublin.

Stupidemailaddressfromcollege@hotmail.com

Technical Skills

I am proficient in editing, correcting grammar and syntax.

I am a regular user of online resources such as WordPress, Facebook, Twitter, Quora and Instagram – but really I just spend ages refreshing Facebook pages and snooping people.

I have a proven track record in meeting deadlines – no matter how tight.

Conflict resolution – between intoxicated people.

Have learned strong digital marketing skills with Facebook, Adwords etc.

Video and audio production and editing.

Decent memory for song lyrics from the specific period 1995 – 2000

I have a strong academic background.

Taking selfies that make me look attractive.

I have a certificate in photography.

Looking after adult children.

Appearing busy by moving around but actually just have a really short

attention span.

Solid research skills.

Pooing quietly.

Making lists.

Real life puzzles: I can McGyver the shit out of anything.

Personal Skills

I have a strong network of contacts in arts, culture and music.

Believable fake listening.

I have a very strong insider knowledge of Dublin through personal

experience.

Shutting down emotionally like a robot.

Flexibility and straight forward, honest communication.

Pretending I don’t have mental health issues.

I am willing and open to create content about subjects that I am

unfamiliar with.

Going out the night before and STILL going into work.

I have the creativity to explore different angles with topics that

others have covered before in a different way.

Not exploding.

Running away from problems.

Pretending that I’m thick so I don’t have to do things.

EDUCATION

Trinity College, Dublin

PhD in English Literature,

[dropped out like a loser]

DIT Aungier Street, Dublin

MA in Media Studies, 2.1

IT Tallaght, Dublin

BA in Audio Visual Communications, 1.1

(pure fluke because I wrote a good thesis)

Rathmines Senior College

Certificate in Journalism, PR and Communications

Essentially, I have spent 12 years in college accumulating

useless skills.

Whilst, I am moderately clever this relies highly

on my memory more than my actual capabilities and

allowed me to procrastinate

and not mature fully as an adult.

EMPLOYMENT

I will not list the 20+ jobs that I have also had over the

years as I seem unfocused and distracted. I have always

worked but I get very bored and change profession often.

I promise to do the same for you in the future.

Freelance Journalist

I lie at home writing articles chain smoking.

This job enabled me to stay in my PJs for as long as possible

and masturbate whenever I want.

English Tutor, Dublin

2012 -2014

During this period I tutored students in Post-colonial Theory,

Popular Literature and Non-Realist Fiction.

I was completely out of my depth here.

Head Film Columnist for University Times

2013 -2014

‘Flick Support’ was the name, that I came up with,

of a column in the UT paper that offered both editorial

and longer feature articles that I was primarily responsible

for on a monthly basis.

This was unpaid, for experience, so it’s not real.

TV and Video Production Lecturer

2007-2008

I was given completely free reign with designing a

course in TV and Video Production with a group of

ten students. I set them coursework, created a lesson plan

with easy-to-follow notes and corrected their end of year projects.

I just stayed one step ahead of the students. Literally one step.

Online Reviewer for sites.

2006-2010

During this period I volunteered writing reviews of albums

and films as allocated by my editors. I attended allocated

screenings chosen for me to review, wrote feature length

reviews on my own personal choices of films and from time

to time reviewed albums.

More free stuff. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Volunteer Presenter and Researcher

2005-2006

Directly after college I decided I would pursue experience

in the media so I initially worked for a station that

mainly dealt with local issues – think Joe Duffy.

Information was sourced primarily from press releases sent to

the station. It was my job to develop these into segments for

various shows, present them and read the news. I was

given the job of head researcher and presenter for

The Magazine Show, where I did the same but also sourced

completely different topics interviewed people live regarding

issues in Dublin.

Left because I was not getting the credit for doing 95% of the work

and because it was like the Joe Duffy show.

PERSONAL INTERESTS AND ACHIEVEMENTS

In 1995, I won first place in the annual competition for

making tiny car sounds in Ballyfermot. My personal interests

include playing hide and seek, thumb wrestling, writing erotic fiction,

drawing dicks on people when they are asleep and Scrabble.

I have been writing since I was tiny – you think I’d be good at it by now.

I’ve kept a child alive for a good few years, does that count as

an achievement? I’ve also managed to keep a super serial

secret about one of my friends for years – even though I’m

dying to tell everyone ALL THE TIME!

2000: First place creative writing award in Rathmines Senior College.

2014: Best kissing award.

REFERENCES:

Available on demand because I need to give my friends pretend to be my old boss.

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