Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

‘Bukkake is when multiple men love one woman and…’

Hahaha … nah – that’s not how it went down  I apparently did explain it to my chisler before but not like that.  Just so you know it was because it came up on a card in Cards Against Humanity and in the interest of honesty and openness I felt the need to tell him in a no-frills way what that meant.

So how did I get to the point where I don’t get embarrassed by sex talk with the kid?  Cos I feel like this is next level openness that would make a lot of people squirm.  I mean, I feel, it’s really important to be completely transparent with the kid, so that he isn’t scared of anything or awkward or ashamed or anything, and I also wanted to make sure that I never interrupt him or have to deal with the aftermath of said enjoyment.  It’s got to the point where I screamed at him not to go into a certain drawer in my room and he laughed saying ‘are there condoms in there?’ to which I sheepishly lied ‘yes.’

Ok firstly, have you met me?  If you have you know I’m a frigging open book and could potentially talk about sex stuff all day.  Thing is, I remember being traumatised by the conversation that I had about the birds and the bees with my mam.  I must have been like seven or something and had heard a woman give out to her son on some soap because he had got someone pregnant.  I followed my mam around for like two days constantly asking ‘how did he get her pregnant?’ and she fobbed me off as best she could.  But I was intrigued and relentless and finally, she gave up and explained.  SO after the basic facts were explained to me, and it seemed like a massive big deal, with a dropped jaw I asked if it hurt (because it totally sounded like that whichever way she explained it).  To which she replied with a gross little chuckle that still disturbs me ‘no’.  For days I couldn’t look at anyone with a penis.  I wouldn’t want that shit with my kid.

When he was tiny, about five or six, I decided to get it over with.  Sitting in the park I quickly explained the whole thing, thinking it would easier to get it over with sooner (and not make it sound like it fricking hurt).  ‘Any questions?’  I said somewhat apathetically afterwards and he said ‘nope’ and then we went to get ice cream.  I had contemplated if it went badly to just throw that Santa wasn’t real into the mix to throw the focus off the sex part – but it didn’t come to that thank fuck.  From there I made jokes about how he was conceived as the result of a terrible boating accident (it’s an elaborate story involving a bath and shame) but it made everything kind of funny and I could see after a while that the whole sex issue wasn’t a big deal to him.

Two years later and he’s accidentally seen a porn pop up of a lady giving some dude a blowie and because of our close relationship, I was able to wheedle that he had in fact seen it out of him.   Now, I’m not anti-porn my any stretch and it’s a fact of life that he was going to come across it.  I have some issues with certain things but overall it’s just a thing that’s there.  I just really wanted to make sure that he wasn’t mixing up fantasy and reality because this was so young and maybe it would skew his expectations of real life.  Porn wasn’t really a thing for me at all until I had been out riding at least six years so I wondered about the proliferation of porn and how that could have an impact on someone seeing it way before they would ever see another naked person in real life.  ‘It’s so unnatural – why would anyone want to put a willy in a mouth?’ he asked.  My reply was quick and to the point and something along the lines of ‘look it’s what happens sometimes.  You’ll probably want that when you’re older.  There’s nothing really wrong with it but you’re way too young to have seen that.  Also, that really isn’t like real life – people have way more hair on their bits.’  And that was that.

I wanted to remove the awkwardness and shame from the whole thing so that he wouldn’t end up having some kind of weird complex, but I didn’t want him frightened of it either.  I’ve told him it’s natural to be curious but that all this isn’t real life.  I’ve tried to make it as light-hearted as possible so that if he needs me that he’ll ask for my help.  I obviously want him to have his privacy but once the cards are on the table the stigma is removed.  We’re probably freakishly close and open and it might make people uncomfortable but I think it’s healthy enough like?

One tip though when talking to your kid that I would 100% advise is to not bring personal experience into it.  It brings the cringe factor in big time and to be honest it’s TMI even for me.  I remember going to the doctor when I was 16, asking for the morning after pill back when it was a bitch to get, (and also asking and being refused the normal pill but that’s another story) and telling the doctor that the condom split and he said ‘I hate it when that happens.’  And he was old and gross and I didn’t and still don’t want to picture that weird little man having sex.

‘Seriously you need to be careful when you start having sex, OK, Oscar?’ I said.  ‘You’re not at it now are ya?’

‘Don’t worry mam, I won’t get anyone up the duff’ he said smugly.

And then we laughed.  Oh how we laughed.

Am I doing this right?  Fucked if I know.