Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Something really weird happened the other day, possibly because it was nearly my birthday or some song triggered something in my head that made everything realign. I’m not going to say I’m ‘cured’ of self-doubt and my mental problems, but now all of sudden, they’re manageable. I mean I’m still messy – I mean I could spend less time on the interwebs, could eat better and exercise more and probably drink a bit less – but nobody’s perfect, wha? Whatever the fuck happened anyway it was like a massive weight lifted off me and I realised that I have developed some serious skillz when it comes to improving myself and that I’m going to continue to do it. I gave myself a little pat on the back for coming so far. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of myself exactly but my confidence is improving on a daily basis and my head is way less full of fuck.

A year ago I was half the person I am now (not physically though, somehow I’ve lost weight without actually trying). I was completely ground down, completely stressed out, drinking an insane amount, in a bad relationship with the life literally being sucked out of me. I had no motivation, very little self-esteem left, no focus, regular panic attacks and was actually reaching a serious low in my life. I won’t even get into the specifics because it was really bad and I withdrew from most of the people I knew and became a bit of a recluse. This wasn’t purely down to the crappy relationship (but it was a big part of it) because I think I was in denial about other previous issues that I didn’t want to face.

So what happened? How did I become this beaming ray of positivity that you see before you? How did I change myself back into a bad ass? How did I make the anxiety subside? Also, how did I start managing and regulating my feelings – bearing in mind that I’m highly sensitive, empathetic and anxious? Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect, and hopefully, this doesn’t seem like a massive self-indulgent and congratulatory post but maybe, just maybe, some of this might help someone else. Here’s a list of some of the things that I did that have cleared my head up. In fairness, this whole process took me about eight months, but I’m better than I have been in a long time.

Asked for help

This is not something I could’ve done before and considering I don’t really trust many people it was pretty hard. Even out of some weird kinda pride thing I wouldn’t generally ask people for any kind of help, or maybe because I thought I didn’t have any support open to me, or maybe I thought nobody gave a shit. But I did. I asked two people and went to therapy (at a cheap rate). And it all helped and the people that helped are greatly appreciated.  I stopped moping and moaning, used the talks for the heavy shit and stopped internalising some pretty bad stuff.

Rebuilt confidence/ Self-esteem

Initially, I couldn’t name one thing that I liked about myself when asked but now I’m starting to be able to see good things. I stopped comparing myself to other people full stop. I stopped looking at other people to tell me how much worth I have. You ever hear the phrase along the lines of ‘don’t place your happiness in anyone else’s hands’ – well, it’s true because people are dopes and it’s pretty much my mantra now. If you look to other people to tell you who you are or aren’t or what worth you have, you have no control over your own narrative and identity. I mean, obviously if people tell you that you’re shit every day it’s going to have an impact on you, so you need to control the narrative by telling your story and cutting the negativity loose.  Cut the fuckers out!

While I know I can’t control everything I am aware that there are things within my control. A massive source of my confidence comes particularly from my independence and ability to solve problems on my own. There is some strange satisfaction in my completion of tasks and taking charge of my own life again completely, and that makes it harder for new people to get in because if I’m honest there’s not a whole bunch anyone can give me that I can’t give myself. That’s not to say I don’t want to let people in eventually but it will be a cold day in fucking hell before I rely on another human being ever again. In saying that, my main focus was platonic relationships and making those connections stronger, and I do have lots of lovely people around me now.

Numbed myself

This was super important in the aftermath of everything and seems very extreme, but you know what? My feelings are super extreme. Most people would say that going on copious amounts of dates (this might be a funny blog in itself) to fill up your time and stop yourself being bored is a bad thing. I disagree. I went out and had fun, met new people, did all the bold things, I travelled the country, met up with friends with good connections, did everything that I wanted when I wanted, drank, kissed, attempted flirting (I still don’t think I can) and danced like a fucker. I did all of this until I grew tired of it, having had enough and was bored of dates and men being dopes and decided to just take my good stories with me and refocus my attention elsewhere. I was messy, there’s no denying it but it was fun, although not sustainable and I had some great fun. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or something to fill up all the empty space – I was trying to literally just have fun until I knew I had to cop on. I genuinely smiled and laughed and started to think about how I couldn’t be as shit as I thought I was.

LOOK AT ME HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGERS AND MAKING THEM LAUGH!

LOOK AT ME NOT GIVING A FUCK DANCING!

LOOK AT ME TRAVELLING ACROSS THE COUNTRY HUNGOVER TO FRIENDS!

LOOK AT ME NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT FEELING HAPPY!

Maybe it was a case of fake it until you make though, eh? Making myself this tired because I super went out loads shut down all my feelings – which for me is excellent – there was just one problem with this (and it still is a bit of an issue) and that is that they’re still shut off. I mean, this is great for being productive (maybe not so much creative though) as I got some clarity. It was like I disconnected an overloaded plugboard, but in the process, I disconnected everything. I stopped caring about the majority of things. So now, I’ve got this crazy wall up around me for the first time in a long time but maybe this is how a ‘normal’ person feels all the time.

Became more assertive

I’m not thick. I know when someone is taking the piss out of me. I can read a room. I can tell what people are feeling. I’m decent at reading people. You’d think I’d be super manipulative with this but I’m not – I use my powers for good, not evil. Disconnecting my feelings made me a bit more objective. I’ve kinda had to become a bit more selfish though. I like looking after people but now I won’t do it if they’re actually harming me or cherry-picking facts to support how I’m shit. You can’t fill a black hole with niceties, no matter how hard you try. So, I’ve told people to fuck off and played, as diplomatically as I can, to my strengths. I learned to say shit out loud when it bothered me pretty much straight away. I’ve cut out crap and I’ve told people when they’ve pissed me off rather than seething silently. I’ve taken opportunities when I’ve seen them and been as direct as I can to get what I think would benefit me. I’ve walked away from stupid arguments and not given it a second thought. Fuck it, I’ve looked after other people’s needs for way too long – time to do what betters my situation.

I am now a robot with no feels.

Spent time alone and became more positive

After having all the fun I spent a lot of time on my own. Even when I was ‘having fun’ there were still lengthy time periods that I had on my own that I didn’t before. Initially, I was at a loss what to do, watching Netflix for ages and dwelling on shit I didn’t want to, but then I suddenly became more proactive. I remembered that I love my own company. I started writing more, reading more, drawing, walking and refused to let the past determine my future. I made lists of people and things that I am grateful for and started making an effort with my appearance again. I made playlists of music to make me happier and slowly but surely let go of things. I could do whatever I wanted now and there is no reason to ever be bored. I thought about what scared me and decided whether to avoid it or force myself into it. I filled up all the space with things that I wanted to do and had enough free time to empty my clusterfuck of a head. I remembered who I was and what makes me me. I considered options in my life and made some headway with my impulsive actions. I focused on several things I’d like to change and thought about how I could do this for me and Oscar. Now, it’s hard for me to stay still for a day and my head is full of ideas and positive things to do.

I’m not saying that any of these things will work for anyone else and I’m definitely not saying I’m 100% now or anything or that I won’t fecking relapse. I mean there are things I’m scared of such as anything 6 months in the future or moving again or my proper feelings coming back. I’m still somewhat concerned, although to a much lesser extent, of what people think of me BUT I haven’t cried in weeks and I have a lot to be grateful for. I’m coming back to myself resilient as fuck and I’m not staying lodged in the bullshit of the past. Lesson learned like and I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I’ll still drink too much and swear too much but in the grand scheme of things I’ve improved, and will continue to do so, so much that I’m nearly a different person than I was last year.  Maybe the magic mushrooms have something to do with it too actually… but maybe that’s for another day.