Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Watch your language.

A picture of my boot on grass…. well just because….Image


An incident from the last few years:

Soft.  Fuzzy.  Warm.  Electricity running through every capillary.  Dark orange lighting.  Music.  Muted speaking.

‘We should get breakfast in the morning’ he garbles at her.

Her mouth is moving but she doesn’t know what she’s saying.  She knows that she’s swaying.  She can’t take it back now.  She feels amazing and terrified at the same time.

‘Like….stuff…me…confusion’ she rants.  Is she using any verbs?  She doesn’t know.

She feels like she’s watching herself now.  She’s not making any sense.

He stares back at her blankly and blinks.  It lasts for ages.

She can see him mouth words and she knows that she should be hurt but instead she starts to dance. Maybe normally she would be but she can’t feel it now. She doesn’t know what else to do.  She feels so numb.  A weird sense of heightened numbness.


I could literally (and I mean literally, not figuratively) write for hours about this but have decided to pick a few areas that I consider key and annoying when considering interaction and the language that we use. Words are such odd things.  A distinctive sound used to describe a thing that is relatively recognisable as the same thing by a multitude of people.  I mean, obviously this open to interpretation and everyone has their own little slant on their meanings but overall the English language is pretty universally understandable.  Strange as well that they are such powerful things and things that you cling to. Words are such transient temporary things.  They change their minds just like fickle people.  They change to mean new things or cease to mean what they used to completely.

Take for example my prime example of the misappropriation of the use of the word ‘rape’.  This is my key example for the misuse of a word.  There really is only one meaning to the word – non-consensual sex – that’s it!  The tax man did not rape you.  You aren’t raped by Microsoft with the price of the new Xbox.  Downloading is not raping the music industry.  You have not actually been raped by someone using your Facebook to say that you shit yourself.  Very rarely have I heard it used in a proper sexual/violent terms, but I’m sure it has been, probably even by people I like.  Either way the only real context for the word ‘rape’ is an actual rape, a violent crime and each of these newly coined terms are fully aware of the existence of the real meaning of the word.  I assume that it is only used for shock value, or to demonstrate how horrible each of these things are, but to conflate a Facebook issue to being assaulted denigrates the entire issue of rape full stop.  It bothers me so much that people are unwilling to question or use the phrase without thinking the implications of what they are saying through.  At least I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt here and assume that they haven’t thought the use of the word through properly.  Maybe they have and that is a thought which scares me.  Anyway, if you are one of those people that hasn’t thought it through consider this; 1 in 4 women have been through this and Jebus knows how many men.  Consider the fact that they may not want to talk about it, that you may not be aware of what has happened to them and then consider them listening to you talking about how you were ‘raped’ in your local with the new prices of pints.  Imagine you were them.  Would you use the word then?

You know that stupid phrase ‘sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me’?  Well that is just pure crap.  As an overly analytical person I can sit awake all night considering the implications of phrasing on one single text.  Words are powerful as fuck (such a wordsmith me).  The start of this blog kind of describes a snippet of an incident that happened a while ago.  I have very little memory of that night other than I was promised breakfast. I never got it but that was fine.  I mean why did I remember that?  Out of the whole night why did I remember that?  The rest of the night was a bit of a blur for a number of reasons, non-sobriety being one of them.  Why did those words stick? You know the way that one sentence, no matter how irrelevant somebody says might stick with you for the rest of your life.  Somebody could tell you they love you every day for ten years (ha…not really unless you count Oscar) and you’d still remember this other sentence about someone offering to get you breakfast.  Choose your words carefully my friends, particularly with me, I’m like a sponge for remembering stuff.  I will remember anything shit you’ve ever said to me and store it up in my brain for use in a fight 12 years later.  Sometimes, it’s good stuff too and they are the horrible things I cling to and remember when things turn to shit.

Even when language is very straight forward and unambiguous it can still change.  Once words are said they can stop meaning what they were originally intended to mean.  The second a sentence is said it can stop having its original meaning.  Minds can change.  Context and situations can alter.  That’s why promises are all bollox.  People say things they don’t mean all the time, or sugar coat language making it lose the nuance that gives it the full impact of its meaning.  I hate words when I think about this.  I hate it when words don’t match up with people’s actions too.  So which do you trust?  Well, technically you can’t trust either but if you had to go with one I’d always go with actions, no matter how strong the words are.  Also because these words can be transmitted in several different ways, like  email, text, Facebook , phone, letters and fax something is diluted.   I would never say things out loud that I say in texts.  Is it safer?  I can be more open in written words than I can using  my voice.  Does that actually make it more honest?  Is my interaction physically  more awkward because of it?  I’m much more eloquent and way less ‘common’ writing anyway so does it give me more of a voice?  I still think certain things should be hard to say, and saying them through, for example text, doesn’t quite cut it and makes the whole thing even  more reductive than it already is. 

Anyway I only give myself 45 minutes each time to write this blog so I had better wrap up.  Essentially I think words are meaningless in the context of anything other than in the moment.  Language and words change.  I hate that there are no real fixed meanings to anything anybody ever says.  People and language change all the time.  Meanings change.  Actions can change too but are a better gauge of how to read people.   Stupid things people have said or promises that they have made stick in your head.  Talking often makes you go around in circles, particularly with no actual interaction.  Is this ironic considering how much I like writing?  I have no idea.  The whole thing is just a frustrating ball of frustration.  In the words of Depeche Mode ‘words are meaningless and forgettable’ and I think unless someone ever shows me what they mean I won’t actually know.



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