Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Friendship is a weird thing.  You can be intensely close with someone for a few months and then end up nearly hating them.  You could literally spend everyday living in someone’s pocket- the two of you so happy just hanging out together – and then it changes.  Something in the dynamic bends slightly and it is never the same again.  Perhaps you drift apart.  Perhaps you have an argument.  Perhaps they become a person who can just wedge themselves into your life again whenever they feel like it and then disappear again.  Perhaps you’re OK with that.  Or, if you’re anything like me you cut them off like the toxic limb that you’ve recognised them as.  It just took you ages to realise.

Inherently people are all selfish, whether they know it or not.  This is my mantra.  Expect to be disappointed, at some point, by everyone that you hold near and dear.  The level of the disappointment, however, is relative to how much of an actual prick they are.  Now, I’m not saying that everyone I am friends with has really pissed me off.  What I am saying is that I am in a constant state of cat like readiness waiting for everyone to do it.  If we’re still friends you may have annoyed me but the good outweighs the bad.  When the bad outweighs the good, however, it is time to remove you from the equation of my life.  Usually these people get three strikes, but again this depends on the severity of their actions and the level of feeling that I have for them.  Essentially if we’re friends a few years it would take a lot more for me to get annoyed with you than it would with someone that I’m just friends with for three months.

The people that I have cut off before all had something in common.  The ‘friendships’ were really toxic.  There is a weird dynamic in these friendships.  One person is generally dominant.  Or at least attempts to be.  You know that friend that would subtly put you down all the time?  The one that made you feel tired and insignificant around them?  Who would make sure to slag you off about sensitive things in front of other people?  Sure you could argue that they suffered from low self-esteem and a variety of insecurities but why do they have to take you down to their level?  I mean a lot of the time you were there to listen to their obsessiveness over what you would normally consider insignificant.  They sapped your energy perhaps and then walked away.  They were so completely self-absorbed that they never considered what you might need or want.  Thing is that these people are so good at doing this that they mightn’t even realise that is what they are doing.  You’re so engrossed in this apparent friendship as well that you actually start to believe all the things that they put in your head about yourself.

It is easier to cut all ties with someone you were going out with than with a friend.  I personally tend to favour the ‘slowly phasing you out of my life’ way, which involves not replying to texts immediately (I never ignore people) and responding with a series of non-committal statements.  If pushed I will elaborate on why.  People don’t always get it though.  I explained very plainly before to someone why I didn’t want to be their friend anymore and when I got a text saying: ‘OK I can see that you are very angry’ I screamed in a rage that would have woken the dead.  I was all like ‘how am I the crazy one in this?’ in my head. ‘Don’t turn this around on me you geebag.’

Friendships, as with all relationships,  are, or at least should be,  a two way thing.  At some point you have to ask yourself what you get out of being friends with someone.  Now that’s not saying that everyone needs to be useful but should you need them to be do you think they would be?  Say for example, you had gone through a horrible break up or someone close to you died, would this person be reliable?  I’m not even talking about someone physically giving you things or doing you favours but you need to know if this person would make themselves available to comfort you or have the chats without any hidden motivations.  As I have discussed before many people have hidden motivations and place those ahead of anybody else’s needs.  Think of when you’ve been upset, how they’ve dealt with, how much time or not that they’ve given you and whether you can trust them.  Many time I have found people to actually only ask about you and bad things that have happened just to take enjoyment out of your pain and use it against you at some point in the future.  I’ve had embarrassing facts revealed about me in public and glasses broken on my faces because of secrets that I have told to the wrong people believing I could trust them.

And now to end on a positive note:

I like lists so here is a list of the qualities that I believe make good friends and I hope I do all of them.

1 Keeping in touch with you.  This doesn’t mean talking everyday but it does mean responding to texts in a timely manner and instigating conversations.

2 Offering to help you out or spend time with you with having to be asked.  This is a very important one.

3 The ability to keep secrets or at least be selective in who they tell them to.

4 Having your back.  This is one of my most important ones.  If someone starts a fight, either physical or verbal with you, you need to know that the person who is with you will at least stop it or join in with you.  Also, I expect my friends to stick up for me if someone slags me off behind my back. 

5 Be able to have long conversations without alcohol.

6 They ask you to honestly tell them how you are.

7 They don’t just wait for their turn to speak.  You can actually see that they are listening to you.

8 They make you laugh.  This is quite important but not as important as the loyalty things.  Most of my friends are very funny. 

9 Their actions match their behaviour.  This is more of an observational thing.  If you see a person constantly doing one thing and saying another I think that it makes them look weak.  I do not want weak friends.

10 They share things with you that reminded them of you.  ‘Oh look I saw this and I thought you would love it…’

11 You can agree to disagree.  I like fighting or debating.  We don’t have to agree.  That’s why we’re different people.

12 Being supportive.  This means in work, college and personal choices.  Nobody will ever really tell you that your other half is a dick – they’ll wait till you break up and then it’ll all come out then.  A good friend will be waiting for that to happen.

13 They share with you.  Super closed off people, whilst a favourite challenge of mine, can be difficult. Difficult is not bad though.  I have many friends who were/are very hard to crack but I pride myself on getting through to people because I’m super honest and open.  I guess when people finally share with you it is a good way to gauge a friendship.  The ones who hold back are often keepers.

14 They have to like music.  When I say they have to like music they have to like albums and bands as well – not just shit on the radio and individual songs by one hit wonders.

15 They have to have interests.  People with no interests are boring.  They will stay the same and you will change.

16 They have to be a little odd.  I don’t like boring people.  Variety is the spice of life and all that.

17 They get upset when you are upset.  Empathy.  A beautiful thing.

18 They will try their best to be available for you or at least you know where you can get them most of the time if you need them.

19 You don’t feel that they are being all judgemental with you.

20 They let you vent.

PS… Rena you exceed this to a level of being a mind reader 🙂