Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I have been thinking the last while about what I enjoy and what makes me happy in order to maintain some type of positivity.  Bucket lists are lame, there’s no denying that really BUT there are a load of things that I would like to do before I die.  LOADS of them and if I die before doing them, depending on how quickly I die (and knowing my luck it will be a really slow painful death) I will be pretty pissed off if I don’t do these things. At least they theoretically give me something to look forward to, or some ambition and drive. So here are some of the things that I would like to do.  Some are quite odd though so don’t judge me.

Stop smoking

Even though I love it this cannot continue.  Enough said.

Get something fictional published.

Well this is done or will be.  Unless I read that email wrong or they change their minds.  Which could happen.  Even still just having one thing published isn’t really enough.  I want more!!!  I want to live a proper Bohemian lifestyle, which excuses bad behaviour, chain smoking and excessive drinking, and get paid for it.

Laugh so much that I urinate myself. 

Seriously how funny would something have to be for you to actually do that?  I mean it would probably happen if I was pregnant again (but as that is not going to happen) the likelihood of this occurring is very low.  If you made me do this and were still interested after I pissed my pants I would possibly consider marrying you.

Do a cover of a proper song but do it well.

I want to do Wicked Game by Chris Isaac (in the style of My Bloody Valentine) and even though I can’t sing one day I will.  I also want to do Fuck and Run by Liz Phair and that may even happen.  There are many covers I want to do.  I even have a fake band in my head called Ladyboner.  Our first album will be called Marla Singer’s Knickers.

Go somewhere outside of Europe

This makes me feel mega lame but I’ve never left Europe (although I have been in a good few European places).  Man I’d love to do that.  I’d love to go to America, Canada, Japan or Russia.  Any of those places. For a few weeks.  I don’t care that much about travelling so I don’t do it that much but the next time I go away I want it to be somewhere mega epic.  That won’t be for ages though.  Someone get me a holiday!!!!

Do a well-choreographed dance spontaneously out of nowhere.

That would just be cool and better when nobody was expecting it.  Even better because I cannot dance and usually make horrible faces.

Not have another child

I love my child but I don’t want another one.  At least I don’t think I do.  I don’t want to be one of those people that says they don’t want another child but end up having one.  I don’t want to backtrack.  That’s not to say that if I had one I wouldn’t like it.  I probably would.  I just don’t want one… especially when the other one is half done at this point.

Learn to rap

I know this is lame.  I secretly do it on my own though.  I guess it’s not a secret anymore now.  Imagine how impressive it would be to be able to rap along with a song or spontaneously come up with lyrics.  Wow…just wow… and if the junkies can do it on Henry Street I’m sure I can too.

Scare someone so much that they urinate themselves

Watch your wardrobes people because I may be hiding in them.  I don’t care if you have a heart condition.

Try to do stand up

This is probably the least likely thing that I will ever try.  Being funny is about delivery and I’m not sure I can deliver.  I can speak in front of large groups of people and be slightly amusing when there are no expectations but I don’t think I would have the proverbial balls to do it.  Terrifying, but if it worked out it could truly be amazing.

Stay in a log cabin

I would like to rough it for a while and catch my food and stuff.  I have no problem killing things and gutting them.  I would like to stay somewhere where there was no electricity in the middle of nowhere and have to wash in a river.  Somehow I think that would be very refreshing being cut off from everything.  I haven’t decided whether I’d like to do this on my own or with someone else but if you think you’d be interested let me know.

Do a really good job at something and get recognised for it

This has yet to happen.  I don’t even know what for because I don’t feel particularly good at anything.  It would just be nice to get a little recognition once in a while.

Win something

I have no control over this but it would be pretty cool.  I never win anything.  It would be a nice surprise.

Get to use a bit of dialogue from a film in an apt real setting:

Like using this part of Fight Club on a plane without it seeming completely contrived:

‘Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you’re taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It’s all right here. Emergency water landing – 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows’

 

And last but not least….

On my deathbed I want to say, no matter what my cause of death is, ‘AVENNNNNGEEEE ME.’ 

Also my funeral will involve a Mexican wave and when my coffin goes behind the curtain to be cremated the music from Countdown will be played.