Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I should probably clarify that this is quite personal and maybe self absorbed but still something I think I will share…. Well just cos…..  I was going to write about how I’d like a nemesis but the other night I experienced an inappropriate level of anger and thought I would write about that instead.  I’m not going to get into why exactly or what spurned it on but let’s just say it doesn’t involve any one individual and is symptomatic of a series of events piling up on me.  It got me to thinking that my responses aren’t ever just based on one thing – it’s like every time I experience anything, any feeling, it’s based on every time I’ve recently felt it.  So to get crazy personal (this is cathartic after all) this year has probably been a really weird year for me and even saying weird is probably a bit of an understatement.  In fact, year is probably a bit of an understatement too.  In reality it has probably been more like the last two years.

Two years ago I was completely numb to everything.  I sat at home and studied loads, living with someone I barely spoke to and who had social skills that not even Rainman would have been envious of.  The only way I can actually believe that I had spent the previous three years in the same situation with this person leads me to believe that I must have been drunk most of the time.  When I think back now it just didn’t make sense, considering all the ‘red flags’ that would have appeared to a normal person.   I mean when we actually went out in public together I barely interacted with them and when I did apparently my contempt for them was very thinly masked indeed. I was so unfeeling during this time I was really productive but quite unhappy and never knew why.  I don’t think I even knew that I didn’t like them anymore.

Just cos…

So really a year ago when things ended it wasn’t really a surprise.  I knew it was going to but just not the way that it did and to be honest that hurt.  Not because I wanted them any more but just because of the overall lack of respect and because of the amount of changes that I had made in my already very complicated life to accommodate them.  I mean I wanted to be friends with them but that couldn’t happen and it just made things worse and now if I saw them I’d probably clam up and have a panic attack.  Not because I care about them still, because I don’t, but because of all the shit that they represent.  Anyway to cut a long story short after 30 years of always living with people I moved out on my own and have had to try to deal with everything as much as possible on my own.  I don’t like change.  I don’t like it one bit but when I think about it I pretty much have been on my own for the last two years anyway.

So what have I learned this year?  I could just sigh and say ‘nothing’.  This makes it sound like nothing good happened.  Some good stuff has, but it makes the bad stuff seem worse by comparison, despite the temporary feelings of elation that accompany them.  I have become productive enough again in terms of college and writing (hence this self indulgent blog) and trying to keep myself entertained.  I like my own company more than anyone else’s anyway.  I kinda had a crisis about my identity and pretentious stuff like that but I couldn’t remember who I was.  It wasn’t like being in a relationship stopped those things, but being single has definitely taken its toll on my self esteem and ideas of what defines me as a person.  These are a few of the things that I have learned over the last year, some of which I am still trying to apply to real life:

1. Declutter your life.  Remove things that make you unhappy as much as you can.  This includes people, work or ugly dresses.
2. Keep away from emotional vampires.  You know those people that wear you down and never give anything in return? (I really hope I’m not one of those) The people that offload on you, don’t listen to what you say and then walk away feeling better whilst they’ve sapped all of your energy.  Your purpose on this earth is not to make them feel better about themselves or listen to their crap.  FUCK THEM OUT!
3. Get out of your jammies.  If you stay in your pjs all day as you will become sad.  The same applies to staying in bed.
4. Be very aware that everybody, no matter how nice, is selfish and most people do not do anything in a purely selfless way.  There are hidden motivations for nearly everything that a person does.  Especially if they MIGHT want to have sex with you.
5. Stop giving out about things and doing nothing about your situation.  Try to change it and then moan when it fails.
6. I have to recognise that I cannot fix or change people.  People are who they are.  They do not change and you cannot convince them otherwise unless they want to do it themselves.  This will make you tired.
7. Stop making crazy impulsive decisions… well at least when drinking.
8. Significantly younger men are stupid.  This goes for all younger people really but specifically in a naked way.
9. Do not expect anything from anyone.  If someone wants to do stuff for you or be in your life they will without having to be asked.  They will actively take part in whatever it is that you have going on because they want to of their own accord.
10. Do not offload on people you care about.  It makes them tired.  Everyone has their own shit.  If I have done this to you over the last year I’m really sorry.  In saying that I am lucky to have a good biggish group of close friends so I can talk to a few people about things instead of just one. 
11. Remember people have indirect ways of saying things that you might not want to hear.  Ideally people would just tell you straight what they mean but a lot of people won’t so bear that in mind.
12. Fantasy is not reality.  No matter how close you imagine things will be to your fantasy they never will be.
13. Even if someone says something lovely and nice to you they can change their mind at any point.
14. If you are looking for reasons that something is working, then it isn’t.
15. Do not sit up all night chain smoking and watching porn. 
16. Try to leave the house every day.
17. If you feel negative roll with it – don’t try and suppress it.  Cry if you want to cry.  Smash a glass at a wall.  Urinate in someone’s milk.  Do whatever makes you feel better.
18. Do not drink Buckfast.
19. You cannot delete people out of your iPhone.  That’s just annoying.  If you know how to do this let me know.
20. Shut down your libido as much as possible.  It just gets you into trouble.
21. Expect disappointment… that way everything else is just gravy.
22. If the things you want were easy then they wouldn’t be worth it.  I think college, people and life are hard work and if they are worth it they should be.
23. I have high standards when it comes to people.  Who wants to know shit people?
24. Do not allow people to take advantage.  Speak up for yourself.  Stop being such a submissive dumbass.
25. Do not have an argument by text.  It might not even be an argument.
26. You are not a victim. If you believe that you really will only ever be one.

Despite all this I do feel better than I have in a long time.  I feel awake and ready.  I even mopped my flat today.  Honestly I want to be happy and I think I am getting there as much as I can.  The changes that I have gone through over the last while what with a relationship ending, moving out to an expensive place on my own, college stress and generally just feeling overwhelmed and alone have somewhat subsided.  I have realised what makes me happy and the people that are important to me.  I don’t know how open I am to meeting new people.  In fact, I am not sure I could be bothered with the effort, but needless to say if you are here now then you’re probably OK in my book.  If you’ve been around for me over the last while, and you know who you are, thanks!