Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Despite my actual cheery countenance I am actually a deeply resentful, angry and bored person.  I realised recently that my fixations on things that bother me probably only serve to deflect my own critical self analysis, which if I actually took the time to do, would  probably send  me spiralling into a state of comatose depression.  So my catharsis is essentially venting about singularly insignificant things that indicate that humanity is going down the jacks.  It really is though. 

The real problem that I have noticed myself, and maybe some of you have too, is the stupid equation that I’ve mentioned above.  We have limited time, that we fill up with crap that we shouldn’t have to do, we’re told that there is some big pay in life and then we are only left with disappointment.  This isn’t only coming at life as a critique of capitalism, although that is a massive aspect that can’t be ignored, but also from the people that we include in our lives.  Think of all the time that we have.  A full 24 hours a day.  Now, I know I’m different in the sense that I have actively attempted to filter out crap that I don’t want to do but probably should, and that the majority of what I do these days are nearly all things I enjoy (study, hang out with my dwindling number of friends, write, drink, read…) but I still have to do a lot of shit to pay rent so I can sit in my knickers chain smoking drinking wine while writing a story.  Even with the way I have worked out all the time that I have I still have to do washing, deal with banks and get the bus.  I’m not even talking about the blank time here – you know that time you should be doing stuff but you end up watching Jeremy Kyle or staring into space.  It’s a sad day when you get home from working hard all day and you experience in an inappropriate level of excitement about putting on your pjs and going onto Facebook.  You have to ask yourself if this is seriously the height of fucking enlightenment?

There is no way around disappointment.  There is no pay off for the all the mediocrity that we endure.  I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT CORONATION STREET!  If we satisfy ourselves with stupid little things like this then maybe we could maintain some kind of emotional balance but where’s the fun in that?  We’re supposed to constantly try and better ourselves.  That’s supposed to make us happy too, right?  What if you never get any recognition for all the effort?  What was the point then?  So in trying to better ourselves or improve our lives, intelligence and relationships are we setting ourselves up for disappointment?  Most definitely.  Without question.  But what’s the alternative?  Have a few stimulating moments dotted throughout the mediocrity?  In terms of writing, and being creative (or at least attempting to be) I’d much rather be depressed and frustrated than oblivious and content with the banal.  Even these moments of complete enjoyment, stimulation or just plain fun are bitter sweet though.  They never last.  Is the memory of it enough to keep you pushing on through the crap?  Even when I am genuinely happy I have to ruin it by ruminating over all the details of it and can never just accept it as it is at face value.  It’s like it confuses me because I am waiting for something shit to happen. 

I’m going to be super pretentious here and demonstrate how I feel with an extract of the Smashing Pumpkins’ song Hummer:

Shame my tongue
Fat with promise all along
But when I woke up from that sleep
I was happier than I’d ever been

When you decide
That your life is a prize
Renew and revive
It’s alright honey
It’s alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away

Ughhhh I just made myself feel ill but the lyrics of that song are fantastic and anyway that’s what I’m listening to now so I thought that I would just work it in somehow.

Perhaps, I get really annoyed but I am a creature of impulse.  More often than not I make bad decisions because of this impulsive streak.  I’ve found it has waned over the years though with commitments such as a child and the like.  I suppose if I didn’t have those I’d be dead in a ditch somewhere years ago…. But how bright that light would’ve burned, eh?  I’d be the stuff of legend.  I don’t like being restrained by anything or anyone and I am generally pissed off when I can’t do what I want.  I don’t like compromising but I have done, mainly for other people, and that has not worked in my favour. We are told to compromise but as people are intrisically selfish when we compromise we’re just leaving ourselves open to be fucked over, or for lack of a better word disappointed.  We are told though that waiting shit out, waiting for that pay off, will work out for us. But what if you spend your ehole life doing that?

You know that marshmallow experiments with the kids being told they’d get more marshmallows if they waited 5 minutes (google the shit out of it if you don’t it’s really interesting)?  Apparently the children that waited did better in life.  That explains a lot about me then, but anytime I’ve waited and worked hard there has been no pay off.  LIVE IN THE NOW!!!

That’s not to say take what you can get.  That’s also not to say don’t work hard.  Really I don’t know what this whole entry is saying.  I’m talking myself around in circles.  It took me half an hour to write this so just roll with it.  I think what I’m trying to say is that if you want to be happy live a boring life,  if you want to be critically aware you’re gonna have a bad time and if you can work it so that you have less boring shit to deal with, or use your time more efficiently, maybe the good stuff will seem better.  I really don’t know what the point of this was actually.  Apparently this is a thing I do for ‘fun’, yet I’ve succeeded in not only making myself confused but even angrier.  I’m going to eat loads of jellybeans now..