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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

‘Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.’ – Red, The Shawshank Redmemption

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He’s such a cool nerd….

When I think about being a kid everything seemed ahead of me and everything was happy and sepia toned and exciting.  Everything was apparently tinged with hope because you could be anything and you probably had a lower threshold for what constituted as exciting.  Then I realise that I am completely blinkered and that my musings on the past are just nostalgia.  OK, sure I thought I could be a vet, or a lawyer, or a writer but I still was cynical enough to know that these were just potentialities and not eventualities.  I had a fairly positive attitude to things, probably from being stupidly innocent, but still maintained a distance even from other kids.  I knew I was overly sensitive and didn’t want to be bothered with other people being stupid.  Put it this way, I liked being alone and made a conscious effort to not have any friends until I was 9.   9, which is the same age as my son is now…

I received a text today from my kid’s dad, who I am still really good friends with, telling me that our child’s faith in humanity is already starting to waiver.  Fair enough, the child was exhausted, but he was properly upset because of how children treat each other.  He was on the verge of tears.  Yes, my child probably inherited my neuroses and is a very sensitive soul but still I hate the fact that he will have to go through all the same crap to get to adulthood and realise that actually people just get worse.  It broke my heart, to be honest, even knowing that my kid is a really clever child who is polite, friendly and nice.  He’s overly analytical already, a thing that both his parents are very much guilty of as well.  I know, you’re probably thinking that every mother is blinded to her own child’s faults but I can tell you honestly now that he is truly an excellent child and at this point my best friend.  If you’ve ever met him, you probably know, what a cool child he is.  It seriously bothers me that he is going to grow up hyper aware of how shit people are and as a result constantly get hurt by people being dicks.  It bothers me that this is a realisation that he has come to already himself. I cannot even give him a talk on how to toughen up because that would be a lie.

I think back to being small and wondering why people are mean and selfish.  Why would anyone ever deliberately hurt anyone?  The older you get the more obvious it becomes.  Even nice people do horrible things.  The things just appear to get worse the older you get.  The thing that really bugs me is that you can’t really do anything about it.  Do you simply stay in and read and ignore everyone because eventually 99% of people will let you down at some point, obviously to varying degrees?  Do you compromise yourself to enter into social situations that will more than likely end up hurting you?  Should you ‘toughen the fuck up’  or be super nice?  Where do either of things ever get you anyway?  Should I promote my child ‘s cynicism already at the expense of living a carefree childhood?

I found out a little while ago that he didn’t want to play a game with the other kids because he thought it was stupid.  He was also giving out about certain children being too domineering, cheating or being rough.  He was asked what impact that had on him emotionally.  He seemed sad but at the same time he was stubborn enough not to compromise himself by taking part in the game, despite the fact that it meant he had nobody to play with.  He told me that he thought the stupid game would ‘collapse in on itself’ as all the violent(-ish) games played in his school did.  I like that he didn’t compromise himself and the way he doesn’t.  But is he missing out because of it?  I love that my child is so self aware that he knows what exactly is going on.  He comes home to me mostly angry with how people do ridiculous things, even when they have no impact on him.  He gets really angry when people are rough with each other or animals (he chose to be a veggie himself when he was 6) or if things aren’t fair.  He protects weaker kids from being picked on and helps other kids with their homework.  He still doesn’t seem to actually have any attachment with any of them.  It’s almost like he’s protecting himself.  He is totes my son.

Anyway the point of this was that I am angry for my kid that people are dicks.  I’m sad he’s noticed it so young and I’m sad that he is going to have to put up with bullshit all his life that he has no control over.  I’m annoyed that I cannot protect him from all of  it, although I can help a bit and I’m sure by the time he’s a teenager he’ll hate me anyway so it’ll be fine.  It just really bugs me that all his hope will probably be gone in the next 5 years.

To finish off, and the thing that I think sums up exactly how I feel about this whole situation came in a text from his dad:

‘He’s gonna be hurt a lot in life I think.’

And it just makes me angry that I cannot prevent it.

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