Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

It bothers me that I have loads of fears, both rational and irrational, that hold me back.  They may not even be fears as such but these could take the form of things I simply will not do.  While I know that not doing some of these things prevents me from leading a ‘richer life’ (scoff) I have no intention of changing them. I know I’ll probably never get over them, mostly because I’m too lazy to try. Also I didn’t put up pictures of these things because I hate them so much.

Here are a few of the things that I won’t do or am scared of:

1 Eyeballs:

The touching of eyes freaks the crap out of me.  I’m supposed to wear glasses but I constantly lose them but no way would I put in contacts.  The idea of touching what seems like a fragile, easily scraped and grossly textured organ makes me want to vomit.  Aside from not putting contacts in there are other drawbacks to this phobia.  For one, I can’t put eye drops in.  Another is that I can’t take shit out of people’s eyes.  A good friend of mine got an insect stuck in her eye before and was screaming in agony at the side of a busy road for me to help her.  Know what I did?  I ran away crying hysterically.  I left my best friend in pain at the side of the road shouting like some feral beast.  If I wasn’t scared of eyes I could have been of some use to her and looking back now at that strangely comic but upsetting image of her (she looked a bit like Rain Man) I wish I had been able to help her.

2 Pooping:

I don’t like people knowing that I’m going to have a dump in my own house, let alone in a public toilet.  I’d rather hold it in for days.  I know that it is a very unhealthy thing to do but I can’t make myself do it.  Take, for example, a festival where the toilets are manky, I would rather take Immodium for a whole week than use the filth ridden facilities.  The result is often uncomfortable to say the least, with minimal silent farts to relieve the building pressure.  Honestly there are three toilets that I  can use; my own and two of my friend’s.  I can’t even use the jacks in my parent’s house because my Dad always makes a big deal out of it.  My biggest fears include finding that there is no toilet roll, that someone is hanging around outside waiting to use it after me or that the toilet becomes blocked with the amount of tissue that I use so nobody can hear what I’m doing.  Total neuroses overload.

3 Birds

I think owls are pretty cool but I still wouldn’t touch one.  Honestly from pigeons to ostriches I’m terrified of all of them.  They have beady eyes and scrapey looking claws and because they have no facial expressions you can’t tell what they’d do.  Will they get tangled in your hair?  Will they pick out your eyes with their beaks or talons?  Will they shriek at you?  There’s something really untrustworthy about birds.  Bastards.

4 Water:

Ok this does not mean that I do not wash.  Obviously I do.  I can’t swim though and I never want to learn.  If I drown I want to embrace my impending death.  Not only does this mean that I can avoid looking like a bag of shit in an ill-fitting swimsuit but it also means that I wouldn’t fight drowning.  When I was ten I nearly drowned (or so I thought at the time) when I came off a water slide at a very high speed and skimmed out to the deep end.  I sank and didn’t move until my mam swam out and got me.  In fairness if I’d died then (and yes I do have a flair for the dramatic) it would’ve been a lot more peaceful than fighting in a hopeless situation.  The chances of me drowning are slim anyway – I hate the sea with the unseen things brushing against your legs and I only ever sit in swimming pools in the shallow end.  I can’t even put my head underwater in the bath.

5 Mushrooms:

They’re just gross.  I can’t eat them or anything that has touched them.  The underneath of them is disgusting looking. It’s a fucking fungus.

6 Airports:

Now I like flying and everything but I hate everything up until that point.  I have waiting in lines, taking off your shoes, beeping going through security, getting patted down because the underwiring in your bra went off and standing behind some fucking unprepared moron who had ages to sort everything out.   Oh you want my passport?  Oh I can’t have liquids in my bag?!  Seriously, other people stress me out to a ridiculous point.  Why am I, who has organised everything meticulously and arrived two hours early, stuck behind some fool who has clearly never read a single sign in the airport before.  The gobshite who walks through the metal detector with their keys in their pockets.   I hate dealing with the ineptitude of others.  It makes me angsty.

7 The Transition between Life and Death:

Ok so this is a bit heavier than the others.  This sometimes keeps me awake at night.  I don’t even know if it’s even a fear as opposed to a fixation but it is something that has alternated between terrifying and intriguing me.  I remember when I was about seven that I came to terms with the concept of mortality and sat awake for three days contemplating the implications of death:

I will not always be here.

What will it feel like?

Do I just become nothingness?

Will everything just turn black?

The thing that really bugged me and still does is the fact that there is no way to get a quantifiable concrete answer to what it will feel like.  Obviously there is nobody to get a definite answer from.  I don’t like not knowing what lies ahead.

The nearest answer I can get to what I imagine it feels like happened to me during the night a few years ago.  My body was falling asleep until my mind suddenly recognised what was happening.  Instead of doing that weird jumpy twitch fall thing you do when this happens nothing came.  My body kept going asleep while my mind tried to control it.  It was fucking terrifying.  I felt like I was being sucked down a drain hole, like my mind and body were becoming completely detached.

8 Pulling the Curtains on a Really Dark Night

What if a face appeared when you were pulling the curtains?  Seriously what the fuck would you do?

I embrace these.  They won’t change.  I won’t change.  I hate that all these things exist but screw it.  If they didn’t I’d just find something else to give out about.