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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Caroline’s guide to not seem like a mess this Xmas

Let’s face it, you’re a bit of a train wreck at the best of times, well either that or you seem to have a cold black stone where your heart should normally be, but you hold your shit together pretty well considering most of the time. However, Christmas is coming and we all know that means alternating between being locked and having the fear – two of the most delicate and emotional states of being. Whatever it is that fucks with you this time of year you need to protect yourself and project at least a half decent image of the more together you – because let’s face it, you’re a shite human being and you’re going to be plastered.

So here’s how:

  1. Before drinking change your Facebook status privacy to ‘just me’. Nobody wants to see ‘fjsisneiejs’ at 4.50am, a crazy long YouTube party or any of your thoughts on the year when you’re locked. You won’t even want to and it’ll make your fear worse.
  2. Ask for approval in your settings before being tagged in photos or things like this will happen:
  3. Delete toxic people’s numbers out of your phone so you can’t drink dial them or ring them when you have the fear.
  4. Bring a toothbrush everywhere.
  5. Don’t pay for drugs. Just don’t. Buy someone a drink or some shit.
  6. Don’t ride people you know already or work with. In other words, don’t shit where you eat. Ride a randomer on the sly or go on Tinder. Nobody will know your biz ness then.
  7. Dress well all the time. Treat every day like you’re going to get the ride, even if you don’t want to.
  8. Arrive late and hopefully sober to things.
  9. Remember to eat you fucking fool.
  10. Laugh all the time. Fake laugh. Shake your head and laugh till the mess of your life fades into obscurity.
  11. Move the bin beside the head of your bed.
  12. Listen to EDM 24/7 – no sad shit.
  13. Stay away from vodka and southern comfort – you know what they do to you!
  14. Hide money on yourself in your bra so you can always get home.
  15. Pack knickers
  16. When you find yourself getting too thoughtful go into the toilet and watch 5 minutes of parody porn to laugh and sober up slightly.
  17. Save your sadness for when you’re on your own watching The Green Mile in your filthy pjs.
  18. Buy yourself a present if you’re not expecting gifts from anyone like a sex toy or more drink.
  19. Surround yourself with people that are fun and who you think might like you but you’re not sure. Then you won’t have serious conversations.
  20. Ask your child for extra cuddles to make up for the general lack of affection in your life. Scare them slightly.
  21. Get drunk really early on New Year’s Eve, turn your phone off and fall asleep in your pants covered in crackers at 9pm.
  22. Buy a good supply of hangovers cures and craft a fake human to hold out of pillows with a hand drawn face for when you have the fear.
  23. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror drunk when you’re fixing your make up telling yourself ‘you’re a mess’ till you find it hysterical.
  24. Puff, puff, pass – you don’t want to take a whitey.
  25. Never dance. You’re shit.
  26. Write down three things you want to change for the new year, crumple the page up, set it on fire and laugh.
  27. Get a go pro and attach it to yourself on nights out to do something creative with your nights out. Leave it a few weeks before reviewing the footage though.
  28. Start toasts with ‘here’s to being a fucking mess!’
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