Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

What’s this you say?  Planning you say?  Not impulsively making rash decisions and lying in a pile of crackers in your pants on the bedrooms floor crying because you didn’t consider the consequences, you say?  Not sending incoherent angry drunk texts, you say? Not deliberately self sabotaging things or out trying to get a ride, you say?  You haven’t vomited in ages, you say? You’re not even really angry or scared, you say?  Learning from your mistakes, you say?  Is this actually Caroline?  What has happened?

Wellity wellity wellity….

The times they have changed haven’t they?  But I’m still a high functioning mess, perhaps because I only have one other person (the chisler) to focus on and I’ve done a bit of ‘soul searching’ (fucking ridiculous phrase).  And you know what?  I’ve had a eureka moment because in those awkward little moments of silence I’ve started to accept the way things are, the way I am and the way that I have a certain amount of power to change things. Yes, I’m still a mess and a moody bitch, but that isn’t my defining characteristic.  I’ve had so many engaging conversations over the last few weeks with amazing people and differing perspectives that I just had to share my thoughts on them and how these epiphanies could help me reshape my worldview for the better.

I’m still a sarcastic fucker though and that will never change.

These are the things that I’ve been pondering for the last few weeks, sober and provided me with some clarity as I reassemble my thoughts on things and move my life in a bit more of a solid direction on my own.  I’m still working on these though because it’s hard to shake patterns of a lifetime.

These are my new rules and realisations for life.

1. You are not obligated to be fun, interesting or happy at any given time if you don’t feel it. You do not owe anyone anything.  Being positive doesn’t fix everything – it ignores stuff. Sometimes you have to be super low to build yourself back up.  So be around people who are OK with this or on your own.
2. If you keep doing the same shit over and over again – the same thing will happen – you big dope.
3. Don’t sleep late. Get out of the bed you lazy bum.
4. If people are shitty to other people they will be shitty to you.  People don’t change that much so watching people is a good way to gauge them.  In other words, if he’s robbing other people’s hash, he probably robbing yours or drinking your cans while you sleep.
5. Share when you can and pay it forward not to get anything in return BUT (and this is my issue) remember who constantly has their hand out and never returns the favour even when you need it.
6. People are mostly selfish.  I do believe that people there are some people who are rotten to the core, some who are lovely and some who are just OK.  Most people are just OK but sometimes good people do bad shit and bad people do good shit.
7. There is no such thing as karma.  Get rid of that stupid idea.  If people are dicks eventually it will catch up on them because they’ll fuck with the wrong person – not because the universe has a way of fucking realigning itself.  Jesus, that’s just silly!
8. When you really want something sit down and think about why.  Don’t just blindly run into a situation where you’re deliberately ignoring your gut or red flags for the sake of whatever it is you thought you wanted.
9. Tell people you love them regularly.  Tell them why they are important to you.
10. If bad shit happens, it’s not always a reflection on you.  Also, if the same bad shit continues to happen, have a look at why and if there is anything you can do to stop it repeating.
11. Mistakes are for learning.  It’s not been a waste if you view it that way.
12. You can’t fix people, no matter what you do for them.  Help and be honest and open all you want but you need to protect yourself sometimes.
13. You deserve to be treated with respect.  After a point things people have said and done cannot be taken back.  Forgive all you want but don’t forget.
14. If someone is regularly an asshole when they are intoxicated, they are the problem, not the substances that they are using.
15. Some people are open to change, some people can’t.
16. It doesn’t matter whether someone hurts you or purpose or by accident, if it keeps happening and they don’t learn.  It’s also not your fault for eventually reacting badly and washing your hands of it.
17. If something is impairing your judgement – like alcohol, food, or a person – remove them from the equation, even temporarily.  See how you get on with it in your life and make better decisions.
18. Keep toxic situations and relationships at arms length if they cannot be avoided.
19. You don’t have to stick to a decision that isn’t working just because you feel like you’re a failure.
20. Think more long to medium term than short term.
21. Let go of anger – if you think about something from the past that makes you angry you clearly haven’t dealt with it properly.
22. Don’t try to explain things to people who don’t want to listen.  Communication is a two way thing.  If someone isn’t sorry or willing to learn move on and stop trying to explain empathy to someone who doesn’t have it or care.
23. Do not rely on anyone more than you have to.  They will let you down every time and anyway, everyone has their own stuff going on.
24. You probably are attractive to someone somewhere.  As long as you smell OK, you’re probably not as unattractive as you feel.
25. People show you who they are, they don’t tell you.  Have you ever heard an actual nice person say that they are nice?
26. Stop making excuses for not doing things that you know would benefit you.
27. If a conversation is taking on a dark or negative tone, move to a new or different location and change subject.
28. Protect yourself and remember boundaries.  Even if they may seem like things you don’t want to stop in the moment.  There’s a reason your past self set these things up for you – so no, don’t invite that dude back to your house with a load of people when you have work in the morning – this won’t end well.  Also, don’t spend a whole night moaning at people or confessing private stuff unless you totally trust them.
29. If you are scared of something you might need to try it out.  I’ve done this recently and it worked out OK.  I was nervous and took control of the situation.  Now I am not scared any more.  Clearly, I don’t mean bungee jump or anal, but you know something that you are scared of but wished you could master.
30. The world is a shitty scary place, but I’ve decided that instead of trying to change that fact, which will always be a fact, that I should change how I react and have attempted to build myself up to prevent it from having a massive impact on me.

Now, I still do a lot of stupid things, and I probably always will.  I appreciate any of the friendship and support that I’ve experienced over the course of my life.  I just want everyone to know it’s a two-way street and I’m not saying I’m a guru or anything (just had a packet of crisps for breakfast) but I’m here a lot of the time if anyone ever needs me.

Now onwards, until I get cranky next week and write a completely contradictory blog.