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Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

How to Save Yourself Time and Energy

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Transitioning from an extended puberty into adulthood is scary.  All of a sudden you realise that you have way less time than you used to.  Here are some tips on how you can make more time for yourself to keep in touch with your ‘younger’ self, and free you up to sit on the sofa watching Game of Thrones wondering how you’ve wasted your life before you become a bitter old bastard.

Do not read the comment sections on anything – be it political, celebrity news or youtube videos.

Just. Don’t.  If you want to end up spending your afternoon cross because of the brazen and ridiculous opinions of uneducated fools (not in the academic sense, but in the sense that people want to have opinions on everything but lack the actual knowledge, critical awareness or experience to back it up) and being sad about the state of humanity avoid them at all costs.  Make yourself a little bubble with tea and cake.  You’ll feel better and spend your thoughts on much better things.  People pick on each other on the internet all the time for horrendous things, brandishing their opinions as fact and discounted peoples’ lived experience, for things that they would never say to their face – this is partially why I deactivated my personal Facebook page and I think it’s made me feel better and more productive.  Also, don’t waste your time posting constant pictures of you and your other half trying to convince everyone you’re happy – you’re not – it’s obvious in your overcompensation.

Don’t answer private numbers.

Seriously, what good has ever come from answering a private number?  It’s either a survey, a bank or something even more ominous.  Just don’t.  And to save yourself time as well, put your number on private so that nobody will answer your calls either.  Win, win!

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Pretend you are stupid.  

This works particularly well when you are a girl.  If you know me I guess you know my feminist tendencies but I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what I do or say at this point that lots of people with penises think that I’m stupid, or at least not as clever as they are.  To this I give a derisive snort because I know the truth, but sadly, I’ve come to stop fighting it and let them explain things to me.  So in order to save time I just stay quiet instead of drawing out a conversation that could have simply been avoided. Essentially it would save me time if people didn’t feel the need to explain things to me that I already knew but I’m well aware that people make assumptions, even subconsciously, based on gender and if you point that out you’re the bad person.  I’m too old for this shit.  Practice a blank look on your face, tilt your head slightly sideways and giggle pretending that only now do you understand the concept of GDP.  Not only will you have an easier life but men will consider you less threatening – which is what we all want, amirite?

Multitask

If there is a task that you can do on the toilet when you know you’ll take a while – do it. Personally I favour ringing my parents or brushing my teeth on the toilet.  Saves heaps of time.  Don’t stop there – drink in the shower, write on the bus, keep shower gel in your belly button in the bath, pluck your eyebrows while you sleep.

Get less sleep.

What do you need sleep for anyway really?  You’ll just be tormented with nightmares about your faded hopes and dreams.  Sleep is a waste of time when you could be sitting into space thinking about the overwhelming amount of stuff that you need to do just to maintain your miserable existence in the first place.  And, on the plus side, if you’re only half awake doing things you don’t want to in the first place, it doesn’t feel like you’re really there.

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Be brave.

In my experience men are always tormenting women, particularly women on their own trying to walk from A to B.  Yes, they are scary and yes, we shouldn’t have to deal with it but a rule of thumb I follow (and I admit that it may not work for everyone but it has for me this far and is very situationally based) is to always assume the worst and be brave.  So when you’re scared and they give you shit, or try to intimidate you, dependent on the situation, stand your ground and be a cheeky fucker, whilst holding your keys between your fingers in your pockets.  The times I’ve looked scared are the times that they’ve persevered more, whereas the times when I’ve stared them square in the eye and made a joke of what they’ve said have served me better.  This includes gangs of men pinning me to a railing and attempting to prevent me from moving, but when I didn’t and just asked them how many of them were impotent, they laughed and let me go.  Clearly, I’m not saying this will work for everyone or every situation but it is something to bare in mind. If someone catcalls you, shout back when you’re sure you’re safe.  If someone grabs your arse punch them.  It’s shit we have to put up with this stuff but we do.  Don’t drag it out more than you need to.

One night stands.

One night stands are a great way of having mediocre sex without emotional attachment. You can save even more time by handing them their pants once it’s done and then you can continue with your day as you intended without having to worry about taking up your time with ‘breakfast’ or ‘waiting for them to wake up’ or stupid ‘I’ll call you’ conversations.  You don’t need ambiguity or to invest in anything.  Just scratch an itch!

 

 

Sleep in your gym clothes.

This only works if you go to the gym in the morning but sometimes your PJs are very similar to work out clothing.  Nobody really cares what they look like in the gym so I find it useful to sleep in what I’ll be sweating in the next day.  Saves you on washing and time!

 

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Stop explaining yourself to gobshites.

This took me ages to work out but some people literally don’t care how you feel or what they’ve done no matter how well constructed your argument is.  Don’t waste your breath.  You can’t force people to understand and if not empathise, sympathise.  Some people just don’t have it in them.  You’re only going to waste time and energy, on someone or something that think makes you feel like you’re overreacting.  Then, you’ll just spiral into thinking that you’re the bad person.  So learn to just walk away and go home and have an angry wank.

If you’re unhappy and you can change it, do it.

Moaning isn’t going to change anything.  It’s one thing to voice concerns, or sound something off someone, or on occasion have a bit of a meltdown but consistent moaning about something that is in your power to change isn’t going to do fuck all.  If you are stuck in a job you dislike, change it or at least try.  If you can’t, try to make it bearable by coming up with ways to pass the time.  I say this with pretty bad anxiety bubbling away under the surface most of the time and I know it’s not always easy, but I’ve found myself often making excuses to stay in situations that weren’t making me be the best version of myself.  I know things aren’t as clearcut all the time and everyone is different but if something is bothering you, instead of letting it take over, try to approach it from a different angle.  I’ve made some serious changes in the past few weeks and more are coming – it’s scary, and it’s uncertain, but I know that they will improve my life even slightly and possibly make me a better person to be around.  In a nutshell, I want to change things, so I don’t have to spend hours wondering why I’m stuck in situations when I can.

Avoid doing the dishes.

Use paper cups and plates or eat from a tin or packaging.  Put everything in the bin.  And before you say anything about the environment – it’s already fucked and most likely in our lifetime – so I will save time washing dishes and try and do something more constructive with my day.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

You’d think this would be obvious, right?  Not to most people.  Not at all.  Most of the time being honest and just coming out with stuff just stops a situation getting needlessly dragged out or getting fucked beyond all recognition.  Think of all the hassle you’d save yourself rather than pretending you’re happy with everything.  It might be hard but a difficult honest conversation is worth a lot more than months of wondering a bewilderment or fighting.

Curse

I don’t care how crude or crass it is but cursing minimises the amount of words that you have to use.  I don’t care if it comes across as unintelligent – it just saves time.  And also, apparently you’re more trustworthy.

 

Peace out motherfuckers.

 

ALSO BUY MY GODDAMN BOOK HERE:

 

 

 

 

 

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