Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I know nobody reads this anymore, but in fairness I haven’t been writing. So don’t feel the need to actually bother with another of my self indulgent lists.

I just want to preface this by saying that we all have quirks. Even the most dull vacuous person has quirks, even if they are dull and irritating as well. The stupidest thing I could say here would be ‘that everyone is weird in their own way’ but we all know that’s a load of bollox. If everybody was weird then wouldn’t everyone be the same? That’d be shit. Although there are a lot of cardboard cut outs in the real world masquerading as actual human beings, conforming so strictly to the predefined conventional blueprints of predictability and normality, there are still a lot of people out there who are interesting and unique with similar quirks. This list is of some of the things that I do (some consistently and others more sporadic) that I would like to find out if other people do.

*DISCLAIMER: They may be more character flaws than anything.*

Anyway… Deep breath

I say ‘thank you’ to animate objects ATMs, toasters, ticket machines.

I just can’t help myself.

CASH OUT: Cheers!

TOAST POPS: Thanks a million!

TICKET MACHINE: Go raibh maith agat!

High five or shake hands with people the morning after as they leave my house.

Arrrggghhh. The awkward part after the morning after.   You need to poop (see number 6 and 16), want to read or have a shower… It doesn’t matter. They’re leaving. You don’t want to talk about anything so when you say goodbye you do either of the above cringey things to avoid making direct eye contact. It makes everything so unbearable that everyone seems confused and actually hastens the exit…. (This has only happened once or twice but still it make s me feel like vomiting even though it worked in my favour)

Count in my head constantly.

Waiting for a bus, listening to someone talk shite, in work… I’m either counting my steps or the seconds till I’m done. Literally, not figuratively… Like fucking Rainman.

Laugh at awkward moments

Don’t take me to a funeral or anything. I won’t be able for it. You’ll find me down the back looking solemnly at the ground but that’s because I am nearly always on the brink of laughter. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not a complete asshole. This is because of nerves – not malice. Still try explaining that to any of the recently bereaved.

Suddenly develop Tourette’s in the rare instance that I actually fancy someone.

Again this doesn’t happen very often. During a normal conversation with such a person words such as ‘penis’, ‘geebag’, ‘cleavage’ and ‘jam rag’ have all been uttered at random much to my dismay. Whatever little filter I have between my brain and my mouth just goes out the window.

Getting excited about talking about poop.

I talk about poop a lot but in a proud way. I approach it from a very scientific if slightly graphic way. I don’t know why people get so upset!

Tap my arse randomly when walking.

I have been told it looks like I am actually checking to see if it is still there.

Pick places that I would sleep if I were homeless.

Make pie charts, Venn diagrams and graphs for no reason.

Who doesn’t love all of these? Left handed people in a room, friends’ birthdays, TV shows… I can do it all.

Create a scenario on the top deck of a bus where I pick who, if the continuation of the human race depended on it, I would procreate with.

This is more of a game really, isn’t it? Depending on the calibre of passengers and the length of the journey I can have created scenarios that would put George R. R. Martin to shame.

Make hideous faces when dancing. Even more so when I try not to make said hideous faces.

They may look like I’m pooping even when I’m trying my best. I was even told by a teacher in a pole dancing class before that she ‘could tell by my face that I was trying very hard’ which obviously meant I looked fantastic.

Blank people because I’m not sure if they’ll blank me.

Think Black Books. Still better than that horrible feeling of not being noticed when you say ‘hi’ like a fool and you hope nobody saw you.

Completely freak out during mass (in my youth) waiting for the bit where you all shake hands offering each other a ‘sign of peace’.

There were always weird people near me when this happened. People that used to pick their noses/holes right before.

Utter an audible ‘Yeeeesss!’ when I get my keys in the door the right way around on my first try.

It’s the little things.

Attempt to control all bodily functions with my mind. See number 6.

I can control them ALL! Except sometimes when I sneeze.

Hold my breath running upstairs and then wonder why I’m out of breath.

Like that’s just stupid.

I want to burst all the spots.

Seriously if I want to burst your spot it’s a sign of affection, or as near to it as you’ll get.

Attract conversation from random odd people.

One night it was a homeless man who I talked to for over half an hour. I’m pretty sure he admitted something crazy to me but I can’t tell as it was late in the evening. Another day it was a man wanting to lift ‘the gypsy curse’ off me. Another time a woman told me my present and future (and was actually right). A homeless man once asked me ‘home much I cost’. Another simply asked me what shoe size I was before strolling off. The list is endless. I must be doing something or this is just very unfortunate.

Anyway there is my list of things I’ve noticed that I do that not everybody might. I know how self indulgent and trivial it must seem but for me recognising things that I do has made me actually examine myself that little bit more. And knowing yourself a bit more can’t be a bad thing, right?  I think it’s a good thing for people to look at what makes them different from everyone else and remind yourself that you could be worse.