Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

I don’t know if anyone else feels like this but I really hate change.  Passionately.  Virtually all change. I  know it’s probably not the most popular thing to hate as I’m young enough and  theoretically supposed to embrace adventure and excitement.  It’s not really my thing though.  I like a routine, as boring as that sounds, with very few surprises because anything I don’t expect can completely throw my entire day.  Whether you know me well or not, my productivity CANNOT under any circumstances be disrupted (when I choose to be).  I was wondering if this makes me like Rainman or something?  I mean it’s probably not obvious when I freak out about change but is this a normal thing?  I have been thinking about this for the last few weeks and have come to a few conclusions about why it is that I hate change so much.

I think change is awful because it makes you feel like you have no control over your own life.  This is true.  None of us really do after a point.  Still it doesn’t help the fact that I like definable parameters of expectations.  I don’t like the unknown – be it different packaging on my usual brand of toilet roll or starting a new job.  I like having a fairly accurate idea of what is going to happen.  This is not a joke when I say I am way more comfortable with EVERYTHING when I know what is going to happen (or at least think I do).  When I don’t I feel kind of helpless and whilst I often have no choice but to go with the changes I have a very hard time transitioning.  Unexpected things will always happen but I prefer to think things through and can’t always be spontaneous.  I end up making rash decisions and then second guess myself.  I like to know the score or at least have time to mull things over.

Obviously I have to get over this.  I suppose I have to a point and considering that everything is constantly changing there is nothing that can be done about it.  I mean I don’t have to like it but I’ll still adapt.  I mean I know in the next few months that I will more than likely have to move.  This fills me with dread as it’s about the 20^th time I’ve moved and an undeniably stressful situation.  Who will I live with?  Where will take a cat?  Should I live with strangers when I have a kid?  Let alone moving ALL of my stuff.  It makes me feel ill but I know I’ll do it. I kind of get this weird paralysis when I think about the daunting task of getting ready to move into action.  It seems like procrastination but it’s not.  It’s fear of the unknown. The thing is that I know that moving to somewhere where I pay half the amount of rent that I do now would make sense and benefit me but I really don’t want to deal with the hassle.  I don’t want to meet new people and I definitely don’t want to share a small enclosed space with strangers.  I think I would nearly live in poverty than make this much needed change.  Which really makes no sense.

I suppose being pregnant was unexpected and scary.  Scary because I knew that everything would change instantly and it did.  Nothing was ever the same again.  It worked out fine with no regrets but the fear that it could’ve been completely different, in a negative way, was always a risk.  He could’ve been an asshole when he born.  I could’ve died giving birth.  There could have been other complications involving me acquiring a fourth hole.  The list with such a big life changing event is endless.  It is still scary because I don’t know how he’s going to turn out or what is on the cards for him in the future.  It’s all a gamble but gambling is not something I like to do.  Surrendering control of something as important as the direction of your life is not something that I am easy with.  I would rather play it safe.

One of the other changes, a constant reminder of the temporary nature of EVRYTHING, is the fact that our bodies change all the time.  I’ve put a picture of younger me in this blog because I’m stupidly self indulgent but also because I have obviously physically changed over the years.  Now not only am I developing crows feet but I also have two grey pubic hairs.  Every day you change a little.  So does that mean in 5 years time I will be a completely different person, physically, mentally and emotionally?  Come to think of it, how many of the cells (if any) that were in my body when I was born are still there?  Why is nothing concrete, stable and permanent?  And what should I do about my grey pubes?  CAN WE RELY ON ANYTHING?!