Fahckmylife's Blog
Crap adult, OK human.

Not bad for 45 minutes! This could’ve been way longer but I guess people annoy me enough as it is!

I know that I’m probably not the most articulate person but there are some words and phrases out there that just shouldn’t exist (let’s push text speak out of the equation completely because that just makes my brain sore). Some are obviously just incorrect but others are just irritating… well to me anyway. Maybe this post will actually give you more ideas as to how to annoy me more than anything but I’m sure you’ll find some of these annoying. Sometimes it’s the laziness of these that makes my skin crawl, whilst others just make me want to put my head into a gas oven. It could be the sounds of the words, their incorrectness, the combination of certain words together or their overall sleaziness. So here it it…. SHUDDER

Phrases (and I have heard all of these said out loud, but even written they are appalling):

‘I am a very sexual being’
Oh seriously?! Is that just a really sleazy way of saying you like having sex?! Why would you ever NEED to say that sentence? It sounds like a 60-year-old saying something to be offensive because they expect that nobody thinks that they are capable of having sex. UGH!!! I know you can have sex I just don’t want to think about it.

‘Making love’
Again is this for real?! This one really makes me feel sick. Sex is sex. You are not creating a fucking emotion. You are excreting juices and doing a series of undignified things. There are no stupid rose petals on the bed or any of that ridiculous jazz (saxa-ma-phone included) and that’s fine. Don’t dress it up as something is isn’t. Even when there is an emotional connection involved in having the ride you are not ‘making love’. Or maybe you do… just don’t say it to me or I’ll vomit.

‘Mainstream’
This implies ‘high’ and ‘low’ brow stuff. When used, for the most part, this implies taste. There are many shit things that nobody watches/reads/listens to. It doesn’t make it good and being condescending or making assumptions about what constitutes ‘mainstream’ (again this depends on context) makes people seem like pretentious twats.

‘Package of cripps’
Please just say packet of crisps. It’s not a bundle of paper tied with string and filled with this mystery snack. They are crisps. They come in a packet. Say it properly. It’s even shorter.

‘Cheer up it may never happen’
Why do people feel the need to ever say this to another human being that they don’t know?! Why?!!! It’s usually builders, average middle age men whose biggest problem is how many pints they’ll have after work. Someday I’m going to answer back and say something about somebody dying completely dead pan at them. Then we’ll see who should cheer the fuck up. Also, if I want to have a cranky face I will. It’s not up to some stupid dickhead to point out to me that my face is offending them or ruining their day. Imagine something terrible had actually happened to you that day and someone said that to you. Obviously it already has happened.

‘It just… y’know.. . it makes you think…’
Sorry… I know that you may be shocked but this sentence makes no sense. This is usually used to the context of a death. If this phrase suddenly made you think about dying you are clearly retarded, unless you are super young. Even the thickest of us are constantly thinking. If it’s about your own mortality you should constantly be thinking about it. You should constantly be thinking about things anyway. Nothing should really make you think specifically about something as big as death.

‘Strong independent woman’
This is like an overstatement. In using both of these adjectives it is implied that this is not ‘normal’. Are ‘normal’ women dependent? Ah Beyoncé, stop making a big deal out of the fact that you are strong and independent whilst simultaneously pushing beauty products that make women feel inferior. You have a nice ass and all but get over yourself. It is good that she reminded me how weak and dependent on people I am. I would’ve clearly forgotten that.

‘On your period’
This conjures up images in my head of a woman sitting on the back of a red dolphin. Why? I don’t know. To be more accurate you could say ‘oozing ‘, ‘dripping’ or simply ‘having’ your period. You don’t sit on because of it. This is an example of improper use of prepositions.

‘You have my heart’
I can’t remember whether this was in a film or what. Nobody has ever said anything as ridiculous to me. If they did they would be punched in the face and then I would vomit into their face and then I would cry.

Words:

‘Moist’
This is one of the most unpopular words in the English language. I dislike it thoroughly. Nothing good is really moist ever. No good can come of this word.

‘LOL’ ‘ROFL’ ‘LMAO’
If you are not literally doing any of these things do not write them down. You are not literally laughing out loud, rolling around the floor laughing (very unbelievable if typing) or laughing your ass off. Imagine saying this out loud and think of how stupid they sound. Also, as a side note if I ever write ‘hahahhahaha’ in a text I was laughing. I wouldn’t write ‘ha’ unless I made a noise. SO there!

‘Air Con’
For a second when I hear this I always think of Nicholas Cage’s finest work ‘Con Air’. Then I realise someone is just being lazy and not finishing the word air conditioning. Then I become sad because I wish it was the film that they were talking about. ‘Can we turn on Con Air?’… SEE

‘Panties’
Used in combination with ‘moist’ or ‘make love’ is just pure vile. Also, it makes me think that all my knickers aren’t sexy enough. Not that ‘panties’ are. In fact, it sounds more like children’s underwear than anything else.

‘Titties’
Similar to ‘panties’ but just makes me think of neon signed strip clubs in 1980s cop action films, where there are lots of tits. It’s a particular kind of breast that I think of too when I hear this word. Perhaps even accompanied by a pair of denim hot pants.

‘Rig-out/gear’
Used mostly in reference to clothing purchased for your Confirmation or some other stupid shit. Makes me nostalgic for LA Gear runners with the lights in the sole, lemon yellow leggings and WAISTCOATS… not!

‘Zany/Wacky’
If you create a word to describe something being really weird it fails to be anything other than a contrived load of bullshit. You are not ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal’. They made these words up to point out how fucking harmless you are.

‘Raunchy/Saucy’
What do these words really mean? They cover such a spectrum. They sound like grannies and Rick Mayall use them in a creepy way. Does it mean something soft core porn related? Or is it even more innocuous than that? Who knows? It’s gross.

‘Feisty’
‘Oh you’ve got a bit of fight in ya feisty?’
‘Go bite the back of my bollox.’